Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

The Lie They'd Want To Believe

And continued to laugh, calling for the blonde to notice me, "Bethy!" I waved my hand in the air.

Beth turned around, her face brightening, "Hunty!" 

"Morning Hunter!" Danielle nodded to me.

"Morning Dan," I greeted the Dutch who'd come to my rescue on the night we never mentioned. 

I walked towards Beth, slinging my kit bag over one shoulder, "How've you been?" The smile never reached my soul, it barely even reached my mind but all that mattered was that it reached my face. It was easy to smile, it was easy to pretend and be convincing, so convincing that I even fooled myself. 

"I've been good," she nodded, bringing me into a quick hug, "How's life as a world champion?"

It didn't feel real, I thought back to that historic day and could barely remember a moment of it. My memories were turning hazy, the past was like one long fever dream, but I couldn't tell her that. "It's amazing," I grinned, following the pair of them into the training center.

Some of the girls were already in the changing room like Kim and Frida, who thought being on time meant you were late. We all sat around in our kits, chatting about the upcoming season, I put in a word here and there, doing anything to engage myself so my mind wouldn't go running. 

I loved to run. I would run up the pitch. I would run away from my mind. I would run away from my problems. And I would run away from the people who were trying to help me with those problems.
But I'd promised not to run from one person, I felt like that promise might be falling apart but I didn't want it to. I really didn't want to run, my heart yearned to stay, my mind however was unsure. 

Soon Wally walked in, jumping behind me and piling me into the tightest hug, I squeezed her back until neither of us could breathe and were choking on our laughter. It was good to be back with Wally, and all of the other girls obviously, but Lia was special to me. She was one of the good ones. The really good ones that come once in a blue moon and you have to treasure.

Leah soon walked in, I ran towards her and threw myself into her already open arms, feeling weightless with my head in the clouds.
The blonde laughed, "someone's in a good mood this morning."

I chuckled, taking a step back and making sure not to stumble, "It's the first day back, of course I'm in a good mood."

Leah just rested a hand on my shoulder, her grin wide, "It's good to see you so excited about the season." 

I gulped, then tried to cover up the fact I'd just gulped by coughing, which I realized made me look even more suspicious. "I'm always excited for the new season."

"I know," Leah's voice was quieter, smile smaller, "I'm just happy that fact hasn't changed."

Hasn't changed since what? That's what I went to ask, but then realized it was really rather obvious. There was a hole in the team, maybe not in the squad, but certainly in our Arsenal family. I couldn't think about that right now, I'd crumble before even stepping a foot onto the pitch. 
The drinks only worked when I wasn't thinking, when I wasn't looking for a reason to cry myself to sleep and push myself over the edge.

This day was to be fun. It had to be. 

I found myself looking for Jill, training began in ten minutes and they'd still yet to arrive. Part of me was nervous to see her, but then I also knew she felt like home. 
I loved the girls. I loved Leah like a sister. I loved Wally like a best friend. But Jill was different. Jill had a place in my heart no one else ever could. She was special in every sense of the word.

So special that she could never know the truth. So special that I wouldn't let her get hurt by the harsh reality. So special that I couldn't let her sucked into the threats and consequences of them.

The door opened, I heard a loud cheer from Katie, rushing to give Viv and Lisa a hug. Jill walked in a few steps behind the couple, her hair tied in a low bun and her eyes searching the room with such a delicate softness.
When her eyes caught in mine, a small smile graced her face as she walked towards me and pulled me into a hug before I'd even gotten the chance to greet her. It wasn't a rushed embrace but it felt needed, it felt like it had been missed. 

"I only saw you yesterday," I quietly chuckled. Even though that fact was true, my arms still tightened around her waist, my head nuzzling further into her chest. Jill was my safe space, my home. 

"I know," She gently pulled away, studying my face, "I still missed you though."

I found it difficult to smile, I wanted to cry in that moment. She looked at me with such love, her words were always kind and soft like a summers day. Jill was so pure, I didn't believe there was a bad or broken bone in her body, it felt like sunshine had been injected into her veins and her mind was calm as the ocean on its most beautiful days. To me she was perfect.
Gently nodding, I held my breath, "I missed you too."

Joe then called us onto the pitch, I felt myself hang back, Jill stayed by my side. It felt like I was watching the world pass me by, noticing how the smiles on the teams' faces shone and the tiniest details like the highlights of their hair or glow to their tanned skin. But then I snapped myself back into reality, my reality, and that was to be okay. I had to pretend.

I had to play the role perfectly, because I glanced up at Jill one last time and imagined the heartbreak on her face if she knew the truth. I imagined Alexia crying down the phone to me and Leah's fear. I wouldn't do that to them. 

So I pulled that smile onto my face, I learnt to forget, I learnt to keep my mind so busy that it had no chance to remember. I learnt to pretend.