Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Get Her Out Of Here

"Come here," Jill mumbled, pulling me into a tight hug.

"I'm so scared," I cried, admitting the truth which I never thought would leave my lips, "I'm so scared Jill."

I felt Jill's fingers run through my hair, so gently, "I know you are but it will get easier, it will get better."

I felt stupid because I'd only just lost Nana and my world was falling apart, I felt ashamed that I hadn't even been able to hold it together for a single hour. It hadn't even been long enough to miss her yet, but my whole heart ached to be with Nana again and I knew it would only get worse.

Everything Nana had ever said to me, crashed through my mind like a wave and then I was left with something in particular. Nana wanted me to be a lot of things; strong, determined, hardworking, successful. But the one thing Nana never wanted me to be was sad. 

In a time like this, I didn't exactly know what I was supposed to do because I knew if I sat and cried, that the tears would never stop flowing. Life wasn't supposed to stop, even if I thought it was, there was another chapter and it wouldn't wait for my breakdown to finish.
I may have felt small and weak right now, but if I looked strong, maybe one day I'd feel strong again. 

"I want to do something," I told Jill pulling away from her, and brushing my hair behind my ears.

Jill was often unsure of what to make of my unpredictability, "Okay, what would you like to do?"

I gulped, not having gotten to that part of my plan yet, I looked around the kitchen, my eyes landing on the kettle, "Tea! Tea. We'll make tea," I told her, my voice still shaky as I tried to regulate myself and calm down. 

Be strong Hunter. Be strong. 

I found myself already searching for a sense of normalcy because the minute I stopped and gave up, I knew it was over. As much as it hurt to think about, Nana was already watching over me and I wouldn't put her to shame. 

"Okay," Jill slowly nodded, following me over to the kettle, "Let's make tea."

I fought hard to keep determined and moving forward, even just opening the cupboard door my mind wanted to travel elsewhere and dissociate into nothingness. 

"Do you want tea Jill?" I asked.

Jill stuttered for a second or two, "I can make it," She offered.

I shook my head, "Do you want tea?"

"Sure," Jill gulped, then grew quiet. 

I bit my lip for a second, it was like trying to work through the worst hangover of your life but this one wasn't going away anytime soon. My heart ached, a pain I couldn't ignore, I felt sick to my stomach and time still hadn't sped up but I couldn't surrender into the darkness because there was so much left for me in the light, but most of all because I had Jill, I had Alexia who'd need me more than ever and Nana would still be watching me walk onto that pitch at the World Cup. 

I'd never known how to be sad and still live. Usually the sadness took over my life and turned me into a shadow of my soul, I didn't seem to feel things in small amounts so I decided I was going to feel nothing at all. 

"Here," I passed the mug to Jill.

Jill still spoke quietly, clearly in shock from everything, "Thankyou liefe."

I sent her a small smile, trying to reassure her that I would be okay. I knew she was confused that my story had changed so quickly, but I'd gathered my thoughts and looked at my previous patterns and this was the only way. 

Numbness. 

Numbness at least until the laughter could flow freely and the smile found its way to my face without feeling strained.