Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Trying To Hold On

I clenched my eyes shut, leaning my chin on the top of Hunter's head, almost trying to hide her from the world and the horrors it currently held. I didn't know what to do, maybe I should have taken her out of the room, maybe I should have tried to distract her but I hadn't seen anything like this before. I just hoped whatever I was doing, wouldn't hurt Hunter more than she already was. 

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Hunter's POV

I felt like I'd been shot, my entire body on fire, but the bullet had fallen just shy of my heart so I'd been left to revel in the agony forever, to bleed out until my veins were left dry. 

Jill's arms remained tightly wrapped around me, my only reminder of there still being life in the world, my head was pressed against her chest, my tears soaked up by the fabric of her hoodie. I took note of every single detail, trying to detach myself from the situation at hand, trying to keep myself afloat to fight the true battle which would now face me. 
It wouldn't be a battle, it would be a war larger than any other. 

Thoughts ran through my brain like bullets being fired, all so powerful yet I couldn't remember each one because they came so quickly, hitting me and kicking me down in the sorrows even further. 

I was in shock, complete shock like a shattered frame of glass which hadn't fragmented yet. I barely even knew where I was, I knew Jill was here because I could hear her voice though her words has turned into a whisper like the wind. Jill was always here, Jill had to always be here.

Right now, Jill felt like all I had. Without Jill, I wouldn't see a point.

My mind travelled back to her. Back to Maya. 

I was feeling all those harrowing emotions again, the thoughts that almost ended me and I wasn't sure how I'd get through it this time. I didn't feel strong enough, I didn't feel brave enough; I didn't feel like I was enough. 

I questioned how any of this was fair. How could I live when I feared more people than I truly loved? Everyone I loved seemed to leave one way or another, soon I'd be left with the faces I'd only reunited with in my nightmares, they'd be the only ones willing to keep me company. 

My tears continued to fall, so much so that I forgot how life felt like only an hour ago, when I was lying in bed next to the one I love with a heart of hope and a mind determined to change, determined to get better. But now I'd been battered down by these frantic, desperate cries for Nana to stay, I didn't know a life without Nana. 

I didn't want a life without Nana. 

This was the woman who'd aided my cut knees at age three, clapped for my first ever goal at age four, celebrated my first camp with Barcelona at age five; she'd been there through everything. She'd been the one to welcome me to London when Spain grew cold, she'd been there when I returned to London after Spain became dangerous. Without Nana, I wouldn't be me.
Nana raised me to be strong, to be brave and to be myself. Right now I was doing none of those things but I wasn't sure if I'd still be the same person without Nana here. 

I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact I'd never hear her voice again, she'd never make me laugh again, I'd never have to bend down for her to kiss my cheek again. 

Nana couldn't just be gone. Nana couldn't be gone. 

I was angry, so angry that the world could take her from me. I wanted to get up and break everything, smash it all to pieces and it would still mean nothing compared to what this world had done to me but I didn't have the strength anymore.
I was a fighter, but right now I didn't have the energy to put up a fight against against a force which had destroyed me time and time again, reigning victory of my anguish. 

Suddenly there were the voices of men, making me jump and look up, not ready to protect myself but somehow ready to protect Jill; my instincts always making those voices bad.

But I looked up, through the tears I saw two men in green uniform; paramedics.

The world fell into a silence again, the sound of my sobs being replaced by the deafening ringing in my ears as time fell slow and delayed. 

I shook my head, they'd gotten in wrong. They must have gotten it wrong. Nana hadn't died, Nana couldn't have died. 

I felt my knees shake under the weight of my body, rocking back and forth, as I somehow came to be on my feet, I felt Jill's hand trying to take mine and keep me with her but I pulled my arm away. I staggered towards the bed, my head spinning with each step, still my vision blurred by the tears I couldn't seem to shake. 

"Nana," I said, calling to wake the woman up again hoping I'd just awoken from the nightmare from hell, my voice laces with a desperate pray, "Nana please wake up," I gulped, trying to muster a trembling smile for the lady which would wake; the lady that had to wake. 

Because if Nana didn't wake, I didn't know anything anymore. Nana was the one person who'd raised me, taught me to be myself, showed me how to be good. Without Nana I'd be completely lost and stranded in this life, blinded and deaf without her soul to guide me.