Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Real Or Not Real?

"Okay well the book was empty," Mapi now looked to me, exposing me completely.

"Why do you have to be so annoying?" I scowled at her. 

Mapi smiled, wide and bright, just to get on my nerves, "Because I only see you a few times a year so I have to make sure to make those times count."

Alexia sat down at the head of the table, laughing at our little bicker, "Jill when are you leaving for the Netherlands camp?" 

"Just over two weeks," Jill nodded, swallowing her breakfast.

"Same with us," I chimed in.

Alexia suddenly sat up straighter, clearing her throat, "I spoke to Nana's doctor last week and we arranged a hospital near the camp in Spain."

A lump formed in the back of my throat, "So Nana's coming?"

Alexia nodded, "Nana's coming to Spain with us."

I felt the tears well in my eyes, this complete feeling of overwhelming joy drowning me; Jill may have made me human, but Nana made me weak. Not in a bad way, but in regards to Nana I was a tower of cards waiting for that breeze to knock me down. 
Getting up from my seat, I rushed over to Alexia and pulled her into this tight yet shaky hug.

"Oh my god," I sighed, trying to catch back my breath which I'd only just noticed had been stolen, "Oh my god," I repeated.

"You're happy right?" Alexia checked, holding me tight.

I nodded my head on her shoulder, "of course I am, I'm just shocked."

Alexia chuckled, "It's what Nana wants."

I looked over to the other two guests around my table; Jill had a smile on her face, endeared by the interaction and clearly happy Nana would be coming to the World Cup. Mapi looked more emotional, her lips forming a slight frown, finally ignoring her crosswords.

"She wants to see her Putellas girls play together at least one more time," Mapi said quietly, more to herself than anyone else, but we all heard her.

I looked down, feeling winded by the shock of everything; Nana joining us in Spain and also that Nana wouldn't join us in Spain again. 

I'd always been blind to the line between fantasy and reality, I lived in my dreams and nightmares more than real life; my mind just seemed to travel to places other than here. So when I saw the images of Nana holding Alexia's future children and watching me grow up, I always thought they were real; like a picture sent from the future. But now I realized they were all a fantasy, purely just me living in a dream. I needed to return to real life but I found that difficult when I was so heavily reminded of the reasons why I'd wanted to leave before; life hadn't been kind but the dreams always had been. 

"Eh (hey)," Alexia grabbed onto my hand, reading the sudden change in my mind, "Por qué no vas y despiertas a Nana para su desayuno? (Why don't you go and wake Nana up for her breakfast?)"

I nodded, gulping back the nightmare which was life; fantasy or reality? That's what I asked myself and still, I couldn't find the answer. Real or not real? I didn't know. True or false? Was there even a correct answer anymore?

As I walked up the stairs, I tried to shake those questions off because I doubted I'd ever find the key to them, maybe some things weren't worth understanding. I reached Nana's door, taking a deep breath and reminding myself of the news that Nana would join us at the World Cup. Nana would watch Alexia and I play together again, she'd watch the girls she'd cheered on since day one, in our garden, take the stage for our country, though most of all for Nana. 

"I'm coming in Nana," I called, assuming she'd be asleep but just in case she was changing.

I twisted the door knob, quietly stepping into the room and a small smile rose onto my face; Nana looked so at peace asleep. I almost forgot she was sick, Nana looked just like she used to, I couldn't notice the bags under her eyes or how her cheek bones now protruded. It was the Nana I'd always known, the Nana who hadn't been in pain or suffered.

"Nana," I walked towards her bed, "Alexia's cooked breakfast."

There was no response, Nana didn't stir. 

Immediately my heart began to pick up, the desperate clawing at my lungs, choking me, though still I told myself that she was fine. Nana was fine. Nana had to be fine.  

"Nana," I repeated, shaking her shoulder, begging for her to wake.

That's when the first tear fell, like the first raindrop signifying a storm was to come.

My words trembled, they were coarse and desperate, my volume raising, "Nana! Nana wake up!" I pleaded and pleaded with her, screaming and praying to the heavens that she wasn't with them. Nana was meant to be here, with me. Nana had to be here. I kept shaking her shoulders, more and more erratically with every passing second, begging that she'd open her eyes and all would be fine.

The tears were streaming down my face, my vision blurry as my ears rang, stripping me of my senses as I collapsed over her body, "Nana wake up, please wake up," the sobs wracked through my body, "Don't leave me here Nana. Don't leave me."