S.P. One Shots

Beyond Repair |w.v|

Mina has been acting weird lately, like she's distancing herself from me. I thought we'd gotten over everything by now. Although it has only been 3 months, she seemed to do a complete 180. Looking back, it might've just been my foolish optimism at play. Donning rose-tinted glasses and making more of it than it really was.

This catapult back to reality has been jarring for me. I can't attest to how she feels about it, but it's shaken me greatly. Even when we're in bed; chest to chest, nose to nose, I feel alone. Ten thousand miles apart. Even though the only thing separating us are the dark purple silk sheets.

For a week now I haven't known how to interact with her. Walking on eggshells for fear that she might blow. Brining back harsh memories of my childhood which didn't help the situation in any capacity. Yet neither of us had yet to break it off. Most likely holding onto what was and hoping it would improve.

I think I always knew it never would. As they say, faith without works is dead. Neither of us were putting in any effort to fix the predicament we found ourselves in. On my part it was due to fear. I couldn't confidently say I knew that she actually wanted things to get better.

It was as if she was waiting for me to get tired of it and walk away. That's the thing though, I didn't feel as if I could leave her. It's not that she specifically said I couldn't, or even made me feel that way. It was my own personal projection really. I'd been left enough times to know what that does to a person.

I also know of her close relationship with abandonment, as we had this issue at the beginning of our relationship. Nonetheless, I can't say this was a better alternative. Staying somewhere I didn't feel wanted. Actively choosing to stick beside someone that doesn't seen to give a shit whether I even live or die.

Even with that heart-wrenching belief floating around at all times. I still found myself here, right outside our front door. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, to walk away from her. I had partially convinced myself she was just pushing me away out of fear. So I entered the quiet house and took off my shoes.

Momentarily surrounded by an air of tranquility in my solitude. I've always tried to make my home a place where I can really decompress. Whether it be my room, if the environment wasn't the most permitting. So, naturally, I did that here too. "Y/n?" Well there goes my peace. A horrible thing to think but true all the same.

"Hey" I reply casually, "come here for a moment. We need to talk" that was the moment I knew. She really didn't need to say anything else for me to grasp it. My feet carried me over to the couch where I sat as far away from her as possible. I tend to have involuntary responses when under pressure.

I'm not saying I would hit her by any means, I would never do that. Just something told me not to get too close. If she so much as put her hand on my arm to soothe me. I felt I might dramatically burst into tears. "I assume you've felt the tension these past few days" she states, yet makes it sound like a question.

I just stare at her blankly, I don't want to give input. I simply want her to get on with it in all honesty. "Well, I think it's best we go our separate ways. This does no good to either of us, I'm afraid. It's the sensible thing to do-" I just speak up as I've heard enough.

"you're right" I say, "it really is- wait... I'm right? That's... that's an unusual phrase for you, did you just learn it?" She scoffs playfully while I raise my head. "Don't push it, Wilhemina" I warn through gritted teeth. "I'll pack my things and be gone before you get home from work tomorrow" I promise.

I'm not granted a response, not that I expected one anyway. Rising from my seat, I quickly go to what was once our bedroom and grab clothes for the night. Opting to take a shower in the guest bath before retiring to the guest bedroom. It felt like I was a stranger in what was previously well-known territory.

I pulled back the covers and got in, laying my head against the soft silk of the pillow. I thought I might cry, at least feel something resembling sadness. Yet I found myself feeling nothing which felt even worse. After all the love I poured into her, into us. I just felt nothing.

Deep inside I wanted to scream, to kick and throw things, punch something. Despite those burning feelings in my chest, I just laid still against the soft bed. My heart feels cold, as if I'll never love again. Like this is the last straw that broke the camel's back.

As she came up the stairs I heard her footsteps accompanied by the soft thuds of her cane. With each tap my heart was pulled, begging me to talk to her. Attempt to convince her that she was making a mistake giving up on us. Giving up on me. I felt I'd failed her, both as a person and as a partner.

The taps eventually surpassed the room I'd sought a sort of refuge in. The farther they got, the farther my hope to ever feel truly loved again seemed. They soon dispersed, now only echoing in the dark crevices of my mind. A once pure sound, meaningless even, now formed an ominous presence.

I rolled over so I could no longer see the door and brought my arms closer around me. I've already gotten used to sleeping alone as I'd been feeling that way for a while now. Maybe it was the fact that it was now reality, that made me feel queasy. I wanted water, my body craving for it. Even so, I didn't dare escape the solace the bed grants me.

Fighting back the urge to claw at my skin as a punishment for all the possible things I could've done wrong. I sink further into the mattress, seeking the warmth one can only gain from another body. Maybe a weighted blanket... that thought made me chuckle. My smile soon fades as reality rears it's depressing head on me once more.

I sigh as I wrap myself in the covers. Funny they call it a comforter when it's anything but. I close my eyes. Begging for a release from my present torment. Needing the escape of my dreams, or even a lack thereof. Anything to take me away from the harsh truth I've found myself faced with.