Love in the Limelight

Chapter Twenty Six: Secret Meetings

Since Joseph dropped me home I haven't left my room.

I spent my next day off in bed and called in sick for the next two days after. I wasn't eating, drinking, i was barely moving. I didn't dare look at my phone, I couldn't. I had to turn it off and give it to Sam so I wouldn't be tempted. I couldn't stand having to go into work and have people stare at me as I'm sure majority of people had seen it. I didn't want to deal with the questions.

Sam had been in touch with Joseph as he kept asking for me and to talk to me but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He also sent flowers. After our fight I couldn't bring myself to look at him let alone talk to him. I don't hate him but I hate myself for what I did and how i went about it. So I told him I just wanted to go home and we drove back in silence.

But worst of all I couldn't shake the picture of Josephs face when I told him.

It broke my heart.

I couldn't help but replay the conversation over and over again in my mind.

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"You kissed him?" He asked hesitantly, as he passed me back my phone. I could see his face filling more and more with a look i couldnt bare to see. Saddness, confusion, anger. "Yes but he initiated it and I pushed him away immediately i swear." I exclaimed, tears still rolling from my eyes. I was desperately looking at him, hoping he would look just look in my direction. "I just dont know why you didn't tell me any of this" he said, gripping the steering wheel, still looking out the window. "I didn't tell you because I didn't think it was that big of a deal" I continued "yes he kissed me and told me he still loved me but-"

"Woah what? Love? He told you he was still in love with you?" He said as he shot his gaze over to me. Me now realising I hadn't mentioned that part. I didnt really know how else to respond except for with a simple "Yes" as I nervously played with my ring. "Right so 3 days ago, you met up with your ex, in secret, where he kissed you and told you he was still in love with you?" he said, raising his voice a little, he sounded angry. "But you still didn't think to even mention it? Billie, You've never even mentioned him before now and the only reason I found out about him or this secret kiss of yours is cause a photo of you two having said kiss is somehow plastered all over the internet." I hated hearing him call me Billie and not Bils, it was like a punch to my soul.

I didn't know what to say.

I couldn't speak.

My mind went completely blank.

"And just to really add insult to injury, he's Chris fucking Evans!" He exclaimed, as he clenched his fist and hit the door of his car before sinking back into his chair, rubbing his face in frustration. "How am I suppose to compete with that" he Mumbled into his hands quietly.

I could feel both of our hearts break a little at his words.

"J, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I should have, I know that now."

"It just feels off that you kept it from me, like a weird secret"

"It wasn't a secret J. Sam found one of his watches at our old place and I knew he was close by filming so I asked him to meet so I could give it back. It was his granddads watch that he thought he had lost so I couldn't not give it back. I just didn't think it would be this big of a deal"

"You can't be serious Billie! It is a big deal, it's a big deal to me! One second im on cloud 9 with you and now I'm competing with fucking captain america!"

"Competing?"

"Yes!"

"Your not competing with anyone J! Just because he's told me he still likes me-"

"Love, he said love"

"Oh my god J, it dosent matter!" I yelled, I'd had enough. His eyes looked over at me shocked at my sudden change of voice.

"I didn't think it would be a big deal because I don't care what he thinks or says or does. I used to but that was over two years ago, I have moved on. The amount of shit I went through whilst dating him and even after we broke up was more than anyone should have to go through. I was mercilessly bullied, called a fat whore, a bitch, gold digger, smeared by the paparazzi and his so called fans came for me the moment they knew about the two of us. The death threats were constant, my address was leaked online, one person physically came to my house and threw a severed pigs head over my fence. God knows how many people i have restraining orders agaist because i know ive lost count. It took over a years worth of therapy, medication and many thoughts of just ending it to finally be ok again. And to finally allow another guy into my life and thats you. You mean everything to me"

My face red, the tears still falling from my eyes as the memories came flooding back whilst i nlankly started at the dash. Joseph was still looking at me stunned. I turned to him. "And what? you think that just cause he said those things it means he gets to have me? Or that I would even want to?! Jesus christ, it dosent mean you are all of a sudden now competing with him. He could have got down on one knee and handed me the Prettiest ring in the world and it wouldn't matter cause hes not the person I'm in love with!"

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Not only had I fucked up by not telling him, I'd upset him, I'd somehow managed get myself back in the public eye, I'd yelled at him and to top it all off I'd let slip that I love him in the worst and most embarrassing possible way after only less than 24 hours of being boyfriend and girlfriend.

I didn't know what to with myself.

I can't handle dealing with this kind of attention again. I know deep down that Eddie is going to make Joseph the centre of attention for this season and probably make his career sky-rocket. There will be so much attention on him and I've got no idea how much of it.

I'd thought about it a few times as we started becoming close but I tried my best to put it to the back of my mind. I tried to convince myself that it might be different and that going public with our relationship wouldn't be the end of it like it was with Chris. But there was always a feeling in the back of my mind that it could be. How can I go through this all over again? Why would I want to?

Besides whats to say that now joseph even wanted to. I came on way too strong telling him I loved him this quickly and I've potentially scared him off. He could just be reaching out and sending flowers to be nice.

God the thought of loosing him over a stupid mistake made me want to be sick. How could I not have told him? Not telling him made it so much worse than I even could of imagine over just telling him.

Why am I such an idiot...