Stones Diary: Built for Pressura' 2

Chapter 10.) Amazing Grace

"How was your Christmas?" Elise asked Ava. It was two days later and Ava went in for an emergency session when she began having suicidal thoughts.

"First one without him..." she mumbled, "I thought he would wake up... y'know like what happens in movies?"

Elise nodded.

"It was just wishful thinking," Ava sighed, messing with her sleeve.

"Where is your daughter?"

Ava closed her eyes, "with my parents... I don't know what to do anymore," her eyes welled with tears. "Lucky's supposed to be here and I feel like a bad mom because I'm sad all tha' time."

"You're grieving Ava," Elise reminded, "You just had a baby and your fiancé is still in a coma. That's PPD on top of general depression and anxiety, your emotional state is all over the place right now."

"But I'm a mom!" She cried. "I'm supposed to be able to suck it up and be there for her! I'm tha' only parent she has and I'm being selfish thinking about suicide. That's not fair to her!"

"First of all," Elise removed her glasses, "You were dealing with suicide ideation, which is expected in your situation. Second, nobody on this God-given earth is a perfect parent. But not everyone advertises their doubts or fears. You came to me for help because that is my job and it shows your courage."

"I'm a mom," Ava repeated. "I know better."

"You do," Elise agreed, "and that's why you called me. And that's why you took your daughter to your parents because you need time to feel everything. It is okay to not be okay. Someone you love is hurt and you are overwhelmed and confused. That is okay Ava."

Wiping her face, Ava took a deep breath.

"What are you feeling?" Elise asked.

"I'm angry," she mumbled.

Elise nodded.

"I'm confused... but I'm hurt. I'm disappointed in myself," she admitted.

"Why?"

"I should have made him do something... but I didn't want dat on my conscious and he said he'd handle it... now... now he's... I'm mad."

"Are you mad at Lucky?" Elise queried.

Regretfully, Ava nodded.

"Ok, why are you upset with him? Because he didn't listen?"

Ava nodded again, "but then... I understand why he ignored it but I just wish he hadn't. I'm mad. I'm soooo mad at him for doing dis to me."

"Doing what?"

"For making me fall in love with him just for him to leave. For making me trust him. I'm pissed dat I gave him every part of me but I hate myself for feeling dis way because I love him... I miss him. Everything about him, I miss him but I wanna be angry. I have dat right, right? I can be mad at him?"

Elise nodded.

"But... I don't want to be," her voice softened. "He's every part of me. Every part of our daughter and she looks just like him... how can I be mad at him without hurting her?" She stared at Elise helplessly.

"Can you?" Elise asked.

"I want him back," she closed her eyes as the tears fell. "I want him here so I can hug him. Hold him and then yell at him for being so selfish! For leaving me here to figure it out without him. Dat wasn't tha' plan. I don't have a plan in motion for life without him because I always saw him in my life. Dis isn't fair and I'm so confused! I'm confused!"