The American Assistant (Y/N x Severus Snape)

Chapter 26 - Caution and Comprehension

Hannah continues your physical therapy for the next two weeks. You don't lash out at her again during it - you were a bitch for doing it in the first place. She clears you at the end of January and your return date to work is the beginning of February. You haven't seen Snape - which is good. You've been able to think clearly. You're beginning to have a sort of comprehension around his early life. Though there are some patches, you've grasped the main parts.

Snape, a Slytherin, was surrounded by death eaters from his house. After he lost his best friend, that must be all he had to fall back on - aspiring death eaters beckoning him to join the dark lord. So he did. Then, the prophecy you heard about when Bellatrix Lestrange came to visit Snape at spinners end of their summer comes into play. Somehow, Snape must have heard it and relayed it back to the dark lord. Only when Voldemort decided to target the Potter's did Snape knew he messed up big time. Then, he somehow went to Dumbledore and agreed to spy to try to save them. He spied for months before the Potter's were killed. For a twenty one year old to lie to the darkest wizard of your time makes you nauseous. You were twenty one just over ten years ago - you weren't spying on a leader of a wizard army. You were getting drunk every day and nearly killing yourself on your broom. Then, after Snape failed at protecting the Potter's, he must have promised himself that he would protect his best friends son, for her. Lily Potter changed him for the better - something you've tried to help Snape do. If not for her, Snape very well may have stayed a loyal death eater. You can't help but compare this situation to your father and mother. Your father defected initially for his love for your mother and you, his unborn child. Once he saw Voldemort doing that dark, evil magic, he knew he had to flee the death eaters. This is a very similar situation.

Yet, Snape not only hid it from you, but he lied to you. After you gave him so many chances to tell you. All he had to do was talk to you. You were each other's partners - surely, Snape knew he could confide in you. Gods, you've comforted him many times, and he has comforted you. You've shared your body and mind with the man. Yet, he is like a tightly bound book - you're always careful turning each page. If you go too quickly, you rip it and he slams himself shut. You've never judged him prior to finding out he was first a death eater. Now, you can't help but think him a liar.

The night before you return to your chambers, Snape lies in bed. It's past midnight and he is unable to sleep - which isn't abnormal. This entire month you've been recovering the use of your hip, he has barely slept. He misses you terrible - it is like his lungs lack oxygen. It hurts to even breathe. It feels like Lily all over again - only worse. When she chose her Gryffindor friends over him. When she wouldn't accept his apology after he called her that disgusting slur. When he tried so hard to keep Voldemort from her.

He lies in bed, on top of the covers, only in his boxers. He stares at the ceiling. He hates his room now - he misses yours. The sweet smell of roses and your warm blankets. He even misses the drawer you cleared out for him. Most of all, he misses your bed because you were in it with him. He misses kissing you goodnight and wrapping one arm around you. He misses watching you sleep and your even, calm breaths. He even misses your grumpiness in the morning. Sex wouldn't be the same with anyone else - only you could completely satisfy him sexually. It isn't that he even misses sex with you - he misses the simplicity of your presence. It hurts him. Gods, it torments him.

He raises his left arm, looking at his dark mark in the dim glow of the window light. Tears slowly form in his black abysses. He wishes he never took this mark. Lily would be alive. You wouldn't hate him for what he is - or what he use to be. But, had he never of taken this mark, he would have never of met you. Even if you never look at him again with those eyes of yours he so adores, taking this mark would of have been worth it if meant he got to have you for the time he did. You've showed him what it's like to be loved again. That life doesn't have to be so utterly miserable, even at the height of another wizarding war, even for him who deserves misery.