The American Assistant (Y/N x Severus Snape)

Chapter 15 - Three Months of Silence

Severus Snape doesn't openly care for people. The only person he ever cared about is gone. So why does he feel so empty? Why is he the one that feels hurt when he was the one who said terrible things to you? Was it the look on your face when he said you disgusted him? Or is it the mere lack of evening tea time and simplicity of completing work together? Perhaps it's both of those things, along with every thing in between, that is causing him this anguish.

The first week was bearable. He was able to avoid your eye contact and only speak work with you. You didn't sit next to him at dinner, and even though he expected that, he still longed for you.

The first month was the worst - gods, he missed your voice. He could enjoy it in class, though it lost a certain spark. He missed your praise of students as you graded their potions and papers. He missed your subtle jabs at students who'd try to take the fast way through their assignments. He missed you light laughs and eye rolls. He missed how you'd touch his arm when he wasn't paying attention to you.

Then he heard it - your melodic, no, your angelic laugh as he was turning into a corridor. He stared at you from behind as you were laughing with Minerva. Your hand was on your stomach and it was a laugh that was well overdue for you. You turned slightly though, and saw him, and immediately stopped. Gods, how he wanted to apologize for his words to you. You didn't deserve them - they were a lie. Your mere presence doesn't disgust him. It makes him feel the opposite, whatever that is. Gods, he missed you.

The second month was numbing. He fell into a routine of accepting your cold shoulder. He caused it, after all. He wouldn't be surprised if you went back to Ilvermorny after term ends. It's better for you, in America, anyway. Safer. The dark lord won't be there. You will be out of his reach. Snape tells himself it's better for him, for you, for it to be this way. Even though it hurts him. Even though it tears him apart.

Then, during a sleepless night, just at the beginning of June, he wandered to the room of requirement. He wanted comfort, comfort only his late best friend could bring. Seeing Lily Potter will have reminded him why he was, as you told him, a monster. Seeing her in the mirror, knowing she's not alive, will console his decision on pushing you away.

But, when he stepped into the mirrors reflection, he didn't see himself with Lily Potter. He didn't see himself joining the order instead of the death eaters. He seen himself with you. It wasn't sexual or fantasizing. You were his friend, and he was yours, and you both were just content. How have the walls he has built for years been torn down so easily by you? Is this what it feels like to feel something other than hatred and disdain for other people? Severus Snape has never thought himself deserving of other emotions. Yet, here you were, offering him kindness and comfort, and he pushed you away and hurt you. Hurt you when you've, no doubt, been hurting all year.

The third month was thought consuming. He pictured you in your chambers, at your desk, grading. He pictured you smiling, because that brought him comfort, but knew you weren't. He hoped you missed him like he's missed you. He begged the gods to somehow keep the dark lord away. If he didn't return, if he truly was destroyed, once and for all, he'd apologize to you. Really, truly apologize. Get on his knees if he had to. He hasn't said sorry to anyone in decades, but for you, he'd beg forgiveness all for your nighttime tea again. He knew you had been frequenting Minerva's office in the evenings for tea. He felt jealous and envy, but was content knowing you weren't wasting away in your room, like he was each evening. And when he and Minerva were alone, he asked how you were, and Minerva said you were alright. She said you weren't as glowing as you had been, but you were alright, so Snape accepted it.

Then, the farce he had tried so hard to keep up, the lie he didn't want to be your friend, it all came crashing down. After Igor had informed Snape that his dark mark was burning and he was planning on fleeing after the third task in the following week, Snape went to his classroom to take inventory of the supplies there - things were missing. He still believed it to be Potter and Snape wished he could get the evidence to get him in trouble. No one is above the rules, especially James Potter's son. Yet, even when you were standing outside of the classroom, angrily pacing, Snape's heart nearly cried out for you. He missed you. He missed you like he missed Lily - perhaps worst - and he wanted to apologize then and there. But, the dark lord intruded on his thoughts. He can't let you close to him - you could die. How could he take another light out of this earth, while he, a monster, stayed on it?

Then you demanded an explanation. Of course you seen Igor's dark mark. Of course you want answers. He beckoned you in the classroom, telling you to your voice low, so if Moody came along he wouldn't know either of you were in here. He needed to check the inventory. And, of course, being the persistent woman you are, you followed him into the potions classroom closet. And in that tiny closet, his resolve was shattered.

When he showed you his dark mark, that mark that haunts him day and night, you merely shook your head and were in complete disbelief. How could you not think him a death eater? You truly had a heart of gold.

Then, he thought a million thoughts in just seconds. He would be able to protect you. He wouldn't allow the dark lord near you. He wouldn't let you die, not because of him, not like his best friend did. You both could be friends with one another. Yet, when you threw your arms around him, in relief he wasn't a death eater, he felt a new feeling. Or, perhaps it was always there. He wanted you - as a friend and something deeper. He wanted to hold you and tell you everything would be alright. That you shouldn't worry about your mothers murderer - if Snape's role in this impending war was played right, he'd get revenge on your mother for you. You wouldn't have to dirty your hands. He'd do it for you without a second thought.

But, who would want him? Surely, not you, you beautiful, godly, pure woman. You wouldn't want a greasy haired, large nosed pariah. You deserve someone who would reflect you, not be your opposite. Then, you grabbed his face, in almost a moment of desperation. You pressed your sweet lips to his and were kissing him. You got onto your knees in front of him, for him. Smiling at him with such...compassion.

The rest was history - you both made sure of that. There would be no more pushing and pulling away from you. There couldn't be. It wasn't possible anymore. Snape wants you to be his friend. Now, something more. Though he is utterly afraid of it, whatever is stirring between the two of you, he won't be a coward. If he can sit in the dark lords presence and lie, he could at least try this.

Snape paces down the third floor corridor, knowing no one will be here. Did he really just shag you in the potions classroom? In the bloody closet? He smirks to himself - he still has it. It's been over a year since his last time, but he sure did he enjoy it. You did too. He could listen to you moan as pushes you over the edge for eternity. He leans agaisnt the wall, thinking about you. What were you doing right now? Did you fall right asleep? Are you thinking a million things, too? Are you changing your mind about him, like any sane person would?

You, on the contrary, did not fall right asleep. You opened and shut your chamber door slowly and sank to the floor agaisnt your door. You grinned wide for a long time. It felt surreal - fucking Severus Snape in that tiny closet. You had thought the man celibate but, Jesus Christ, he couldn't have been. Not the way he just gave it to you. What does this mean for you both? Is the three months of silence finally over? Has Snape finally accepted your hand in friendship? You grin again. You want more now - you want more than friendship. You want him touch you every day, exactly how he did just fifteen minutes ago in the potions closet. You want him to praise you for your sexual acts, whisper in your ear, and kiss you every where possible. You want him to do other things to you, other things you'll have to slowly introduce to him. You don't want to scare him away. Your heart feels full. This feels different from your old boyfriends - it feels raw and intense. Your entire body feels like it is on fire.

You finally rise off the floor, smiling ear to ear, and walk to your bathroom. You turn your shower on and begin to undress for the second time tonight. You stare at yourself in the mirror and caress the crook of your neck where a bright red love mark is. You put your hands on your sink and lean forward, your cheeks rushing with blood. God, you want him again, right now. You shake your craving and step into the shower. What will you say to Snape tomorrow? To Severus? What will he say to you? What if he shuts you out again? God, what if you just gave yourself to him and he goes back to isolating you? You force those thoughts away and bask in the feelings of euphoria still lingering in your body and mind.