Initation 1D

3

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Mya Amalia
APRIL 21ST:

After riding out my panic attack behind school in the dark alleyway, I was exhausted and i still have a full day ahead of me. I force myself to stand up and drag myself out and back into the open. Everyone like i had expected have cleared, and i was the only one left stood back in the entrance staring at the long pathway, gathering all my courage up because i needed to pretend like everything was okay as soon as i stepped into school. I had to cover up and put on a mask, like i do every day. I pull out my phone and check the time . I had only missed one hour of lessons. That's a record for me, Normally panic attacks can last hours on end.

The hallways are empty which is always a good sign, I hate coming into school from a panic attack and the halls been so crowded , just the thought of it makes me head spin. while moping down the hall an announcement tunes over the speakers:

'Will miss Mya Amalia report to the head office, I repeat will Mya Amalia report to the head office.'

My heart instantly sinks because i have never been called to the head office before, apart from one time and i promised myself i would never step foot back in there because of the pain and trauma that room holds for me. What if they punish me for something i cant control. What if they make me leave school, what if they tell my mother and she has to come from work to come get me. And i have to spill all my thoughts and feelings to her, I don't want my mother to panic she already has so much on her plate. The panic starts to pump through my veins and my already worn-out body is been pushed to its limits. Taking a deep breath to try and control my unsteady and out of rhythm breaths while i hurry to the head office. Does this shithole of a place know the trauma it causes me every day? Probably not , all the care about is our grades. I look around, and i realise how run down this school actually is. Maybe everything is the same as me. Dull, rundown and hated. 

--

I knock and wait for a voice telling me to enter, i open the door to reveal Mr Rawcliff sat in a large brown leather chair in a dark charcoal grey suit, his short hair gelled. His hands sat on the desk intertwined together. My eyes dart around the room to reveal Miss Studdle and Aliya sat in the room too. My stomach drops and i want the world to swallow me whole.

"Thank you for actually joining us here Miss Amalia." Mr Rawcliff mocks slightly, He gestures to an empty seat next to Aliya , feeling tired and stressed i take the seat immediately.

"Where have you been?" The head teacher questions.

"I slept in sir." I think on my feet

"I dont think so Mya. Alyia here has told us a different story, She has also told us some other information too." He corrects me with a soft but confrontational tone. I know exactly what Aliya has told school, my eyes dart to her now red face. My eyes begin to tear up and all i can do is just sit there and stare at her face. I hate people knowing that i have anxiety and ptsd. I hate it,i can feel my ears begin to ring and my hands become sweaty and my vision blurs drastically.

"Sir, I'm- so sorry. I was having a panic attack." I manage to stumble out, making myself completely vulnerable. These people could use this to their advantage now, hold it against me. But , im soothed by Alyia reassuring me. My vision begins to clear but my ears are still ringing and my head hurts from all the stress and pressure.

" We are going to help you. We have a Therapist here in school for you. I will book an appointment for you for the next full week. every day, Okay Mya?" I could hear Mr Rawcliff but he seemed so far away. Or i felt so far away. I simply nod while trying to grab the hand that is reaching out for me in the darkness.

FLASHBACK:

Today felt weird. like that feeling you get something bad is going happen. I was in the middle of my 3rd period of the day at school when i got called down to the office , this was obviously the annoying gut feeling ive had all day. When i got into the office . Mr Rawcliff , my father and my mother are all sat in the room. My mother crying hysterically and my father rubbing her back to try and soothe her. "Is everything alright?" I question while trying not to cry myself.

"Please sit Ms Amalia." Mr Rawcliff offers , I don't disobey and sit next to my crying mother. "We have had some terrible news . Um im sorry i dont know how to word this , but your . Hmh you-" Mr Rawcliff tries to explain only making me more anxious but so annoyed too.

"hes done it hasnt he ?" As soon as i realised why the teacher couldn't find the words to explain and why my mother is sobbing her poor poor heart out. I immediately saw red, i was so mad at him why would he do this to us all. I told him if he did it i would never forgive him. But, I loved him and i didnt want him to take his life so early. All Mr Rawcliff could do is just nod and dip his head. "Oh Ben . Why would you do this?" I place my face into my hands and begin to sob. The only thing i had for support is now gone. And he knew that i needed him, but his demons wanted him more.