Jealous | Tommyinnit angst

53 ➪ What Changed.

"I'm not?" He smiled like I was crazy, then dismissed himself and started walking.

"Hey- Are you sure?" I caught up with him.

"Yeah? What's the issue I had a blast?"

"Alright.." I huffed, he wasn't himself.

"Maybe you're projecting!" Tommy joked, I laughed.

"Oh come on. I thought it would be worse but it wasn't that bad. Just boring, I even made a friend!" I explained my day vaguely.

"Oh really? Who?"

"Psh. You sound surprised, the dudes name is Purpled, he's alright." He giggled as we walked.

It looked like he stopped for a second, completely pausing his whole process. "Oh." He replied under his breath, quickly excusing it. "Cool! I found out Ranboo goes to this school, so I mainly hung out with him." He rambled.

What's up with him, "Really?" I asked, genuinely surprised he went.

"mhm."

"Also why'd you say oh? Did he do something.?" Why am I bringing it up.??

"Nono he didn't do anything- I uh don't even know him.. I just felt a little jealous." He spat, weird.

"Dont be jealous! I'm sure you'll make more friends!" I smiled, ruffling his hair.

Eventually we made it home, Karl's car was still here? We got inside and Tommy instantly went to his room, I was curious to where Karl was.
I knocked on his bedroom door,

"Come in.." It sounded like he had just sobbed his eyes out, what happened?

"Are you alright?" I stepped in slowly, trying not to be loud incase he was sensitive as of now.

"N-no.. I keep thinking about Quackity. I miss hi-him.." Tears rolled down his cheeks, he was just sitting in bed, sobbing.

"Karl- It's.. It's alright I promise.. I know he's gone but he wouldn't want you mourning like this.." I suggested, starting to feel sad.

"mhh.. I guess you're right.. I dont really kn-know what to do now. I'm probably just gonna sleep." He sighed, letting his tears dry as he rolled over.

"Alright.. I'll leave, I hope you feel better." I smiled sadly, walking out and shutting the door silently.

I walked back to my room.

no no no no why is it still there

the blade is there

die
die
die
die
die
die
die
die
no no
die
die
die

you're a pussy if you dont do it now just die
they all want you to you dont help
dead weight
pussy
scaredy cat?

is that what you are.

you're weak if you dont

slit your wrist-

"No.. I can't.." I was snapped back into reality by tears rushing down my face, I hate this feeling.

I don't want to be here but I don't want to leave, there's so much going on. I hate it I'm not weak i'm not i'm not.. I don't want to be weak and I'm not but ugh.

I can't talk to Tommy, that's embarrassing.. He'll know I'm jealous of him. That's embarrassing. I can't talk to Karl and make everything about myself, I told him about my self harm and he didn't do shit.

Did he?

What did he even say..

What are all the awful things i've been told. I can't even remember why I'm sad at this point. So why do I feel so bad?

I want a painless death. Painless for everyone, but that's just a false reality I'll never get.
Everyday is a new problem.
Every single day is a new problem.

I suddenly remembered something. I walked to my backpack, unzipping a slot.

It's the polaroid of Tommy and I..

Our smiles look so genuine here. Why?
Mine isn't genuine.. It reminds me of when it was genuine. The park photos.

I walked over to my closet, pulling out a bag I had hidden. Inside revealed many many old and dusty photos. I really miss this. Tears dropped onto the floor as I stared at photos of me and Phil. We both had a smile on our faces, posing for the photo. God.. There's some of Techno..?

My hands got shaky, remembering how long it's been since I saw him. Where is he?? Where is Techno? Why haven't we bothered looking for him..

It's one of all of us smiling. Me and Tommy in the front, Techno and Phil in the back. Why can't I still be there.

what changed.