Night Changes [N.H]

Chapter 40

I felt Lou looking at me and playing along like she always did when we were with other people. I had already talked to her many times about not telling any of the other crew members, and we wanted to keep it that way. 

"Are you going to bring him to any shows so we can meet him?" Lottie asked.

Geez why are you attacking me.

"I don't know," I said, which was my go-to answer for everything.

"Are you engaged?" She asked, looking at my ring.

"No," I said. "Can I see a set list?" I hadn't seen the set list yet and I was excited to see what songs were on it.

"It's posted on the wall," Lou said, pointing behind me. I walked over to read it.

I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me. I reread the set list a million times, thinking maybe I had just missed it.

"What the fuck?" I asked. "Where is No Control and Stockholm Syndrome?" I turned around in disbelief. "I'm not allowing them to go onstage without those songs."

"They probably have their reasons," Lou said.

"Those reasons are invalid," I said. "I'm going to have a serious talk with whoever picked these songs. They're all from Midnight Memories!"

Here I was again, getting upset over nothing. It was part of my routine by now. Lou came closer to me and pulled me out to the hallway where we were away from everybody else. 

"Alyssa, are you okay?" Lou asked, shutting the door so we were alone. "You seem really high-strung. It's not like you, you're usually so happy and fun to be around."

I stared past her at the far wall and put a hand on my head. I felt my eyes well up with tears. I knew I had been holding my tears back for too long, and it was time to accept them.

"I'm not okay," I admitted, choked up.

"What's bothering you?" She asked. 

I was quiet at first, looking around, anywhere but in her eyes. "This just seems so impossible," I said, and felt the tear roll down my cheek. Lou didn't say anything, she just stared at me, waiting for me to say more. 

"There's no way we can pull it off," I began. "I have barely even been able to leave the hotel room these past few days. I realized that I had never been with him outside of our apartment or a hotel room. I just don't know what's going to happen with this tour, and all the people around, and all I want to is spend time with him and I can't." By now I was full on ugly crying, and it was embarrassing. 

Lou didn't have a response, so she pulled me in for a hug. 

"I'm sick of pretending like it doesn't bother me, because I don't know if I can take it anymore," I said into her shoulder. She rubbed my back. 

"It may be bad now, but just think about how happy you will be when you have your son and become a mother," Lou said. Her advice didn't help, I just began to cry harder. 

"I can't, because I hate to do this to a baby," I sobbed. "Even just being in that room, I realized how many people we're lying to. We're lying to the whole world, and it's getting harder to keep the secret."

"Things won't always be this way," Lou said. "Don't care about what anybody else thinks. This is should be the happiest time of your life."

She made it sound like I was wasting the happiest time of my life worrying, but I had a right to be worried. I twisted my ring. 

"It's not healthy for you or the baby to be this upset," Lou said, pushing me away so she could look at me and push my hair back. "He doesn't mean any of this, it's not your fault. You're doing the best you can given the circumstances. You are so strong and so brave to be in this position."

"I didn't ask to be in this position!" I said, growing more upset. "I don't want to be brave or strong, I just want to be happy."

I could see Lou's broken expression as I threw my face back into her shoulder and continued crying. I had just broken her heart. 

"Alyssa, you need to stop crying. I know it's hard, but-"

"No, you don't know how hard it is!" I said. "I just want to live a normal life with my boyfriend and my son without lying to everybody and having to keep such a big secret. It's ruining me."

I could've just offended Lou as she was trying to help me, but I was so upset, I didn't know what effects the words that I was saying could have. 

"Look at me," she said, grabbing my shoulders, forcing me to look into her eyes again. "You need to stop crying." She spoke sternly this time, as if it was the only way to get her point across. "It's not healthy for you or the baby."

I took a deep breath and put my hand back on my forehead. I felt stupid for being so ignorant, but I just wanted the world to go away. 

"I know that you don't want to, but you need to talk to N-" she paused. "You need to talk to him about it. I know he can't help with the situation, but he is there for you, and he loves you so much."

I shook my head at the floor. I needed to calm down. 

A/N

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If you're liking it so far, please let me know! I'm so excited for you to see what's coming for Niall and Alyssa!

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