Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

Smut

Sorry I've been gone. I was sick. Then I moved. Then I got busy. That's it. That's all.

Just a side note before we get started, I have a problem.

I'm trying to figure out where in this rant book I said that all my opinions are always right and correct and perfect. Because I, for the life of me, can't find it. If you wanna show me where, I'd be much obliged.

You all realize that you don't have to listen to me, right? You don't have to value my opinions or agree with them or anything. That's the beauty of opinions.

This isn't lost on you guys, right?

Great. Glad we could talk about this. Stop emailing me and calling me a hypocritical bitch. Yes, I know Pretty Little Bones ignores a lot of this shit. Personal choice. I'm not a genius. I don't know everything. Sheesh. Cool. Let's get over it now.

And let's move on to something else I get a lot of emails about: Smut

For some reason I'll probably never understand, people keep sending me emails (and even the occasional PM) asking me how to write smut.

Like I even know what the hell I'm talking about. I've never written smut (I've done sex scenes, but none of the mechanical stuff), before, but if y'all wanna know how, here ya go. Best of luck. (I have this theory people think I'll write something insanely descriptive in here like I usually do, but jokes on you guys! That's not happening.)

So, instead of writing a piece, I actually did a little research for you guys (since I know that it's apparently impossible to go to Google and type "tips for writing smut").

If you don't have any interest in smut, don't read this. I'll have a little story at the bottom if you're interested (nonsmut related). Otherwise ignore this whole rant. We'll all just be over here uncomfortably discussing this (and I'll be displaying a surreal amount of maturity. Go me!)

In the external link you'll find the article I found most helpful and appealing (although I don't agree with everything the writer says, just like you don't have to agree with me, ever!)

And if you don't want to go over there and read all that (and have it in your browser history I don't blame you), I'll hit on the points I found important in all my research.

1.        Don't use purple prose.

That's a fancy way of saying don't go overkill on your description. Don't make everything so ornate and dramatic.

(This is a side note/mini-rant, but "show don't tell" is one of the worst pieces of advice any writer could ever listen to. Just, ignore that for the most part. There's a delicate balance.)

That being said, don't use so many euphemisms. If you're reading smut or writing it, you know what sex entails. Don't be that awkward person that writes about "throbbing members" or "flesh kabobs" or a "tunnel of love" or that really weird, awkward shit. Dick is fine. Just say it. It's not going to kill you.

2.       Don't make them talk like porn stars.

I just don't like dirty talk or whatever. It's just insanely uncomfortable to me, but apparently it turns some people on. That's cool. That's whatever. Just don't make the entire dialogue something straight out of "Debby Does Dallas" (that's a thing right? Like a move? I dunno...you catch my drift, though, right?)

I really liked how this author was so down to Earth about what people actually say, such as speaking to complain about a cramp. Or "get off my hair". Or "what the hell are you doing?"

Sex doesn't have to be (and rarely ever is) perfect. Get over it. Have fun with it. It's going to be okay.

3.       Don't just focus on the physical.

There are so many emotions that go into sex. Focus on them. Don't just worry about the mechanics. The mechanics are basic. Writing the mechanics is like describing how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Sure, pretty much everyone knows the basics, and some people do it differently (I mix the peanut butter and jelly together, but my college roommate put peanut butter on each slice of bread and jelly in the middle (and this isn't a euphemism. I'm seriously talking about PB&J's here)).

But everyone feels different. Some people get really excited just thinking about the sweetness of the jelly, or their mouth starts watering thinking about the creamy taste of peanut butter. Other people just really like the smell of bread. Some people hate how sticky the jelly makes their fingers. (Again, I swear I'm talking about a PB&J. Stop making this weird).

The point: focus on all the senses. What do the characters smell? What do they taste? What do they feel (besides the obvious)? Focus on everything.

4.       Don't forget the foreplay.

This is the one that bothers me. So many people just go from a kiss to hopping in bed with no clothes. But foreplay is so important. It's very, very crucial. Don't ignore it.

Honestly, to me, writing foreplay is probably hotter than writing the actual deed. It's all about the tension (and there is nothing better than sexual tension). It's about the excitement and the anticipation. That's when all the nerves are alive and every touch is a spark and every kiss is a wildfire. 

That's the hottest part. Do not forget this.

5.       Don't have a marathon session.

This is another big problem. Yes, when people want to "make love" they want to "make a night of it". But that doesn't mean taking an actual entire night. Do you know how miserable that would be?

 Typically foreplay is the longest part and the actual act is pretty short. I read the average time is about 5-10 minutes. Anything shorter is unsatisfying and anything longer is uncomfortable. That's why foreplay is so important. 

But let's be honest, I don't necessarily agree with that part of my research. I mean, 5-10 minutes? I suppose that could be the average, but that seems a little short to me. Just know, though, at 30 minutes, you probably got problems. So, maybe just don't mention any explicit time frames. It's best for everyone.

And now that we're all pleasantly uncomfortable, I think I've hit the major topics. Seriously, though. Check out the external link if this is something you want to know more about (and google more tips! Don't be afraid. Writing takes a lot of research).

So boom. There. I just exercised so much control it's not even funny. I'm somewhat proud.

And now it's story time.

My best friend always complains that the walls in his apartment are insanely thin so he can hear his neighbors really well. And his biggest complaint is that he can always hear them having sex because they are really loud.

But apparently, they can hear everything he does too.

Well, a few weeks after he moved in, he was lonely, so he got a dog. And I guess he talks to his dog all the time.

And his neighbors can hear everything he says when he's standing in his kitchen.

But I guess his neighbors didn't realize that that Joe is a dog. Not a person. In fact, they assumed Joe was a child.

So, one day when he had so casually just said "Joe, you're drunk" when his dog was being all crazy and running around, and his neighbor knocked on his door and started yelling about how he shouldn't let his kid drink and that they were going to turn him in for child abuse and all this crazy shit.

And when they realized that Joe is, in fact, a dog, all he could say was "well, don't say those things to children".

I still think it's hilarious. I can only imagine some of the things he would say to Joe and to just imagine someone thought he was talking to a kid. Poor people.