Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

The Werewolf Stories-Part 1: History

Y’all have been waiting for this one (and it’s a two parter) so I’ll jump right in. Let’s talk about:

The Werewolf Stories

Part 1: The History

I’ll be the first to admit, I didn’t know a lot about modern werewolves in literature, but growing up with a brother that aspired to be a cryptozoologist I’ve learned a thing or two about werewolf legends. (And I thought they were kickass. I loved seeing how people dealt with the demons of the day by dreaming up these creatures).

Nevertheless, I did some extensive research (and read sooo many painful werewolf novels) and I’ve discovered the problem that leads to all other werewolf problems:

We’ve made werewolves into pack animals.

Let me start from the beginning.

What is a werewolf?

Well, it’s supposedly when people transform into beings that resemble wolves (known as lycanthropy).

So who are werewolves?

In summary, people with rare “diseases” were considered werewolves, because villagers and townsmen had no idea what was wrong with them. They made this up to explain the unexplainable (much like Vampires, but that’s another chapter).

These people were believed to have become infected from strange occurrences (laying in the moonlight on particular Wednesdays or Fridays, drinking rainwater out of a suspected werewolf footprint, etc) and the way to cure them was to convert them (Christianity and Holy Water as well as Exorcisms (and the occasional surgery that always proved fatal)).

Being a werewolf meant you were cursed (sometimes by witches). It wasn’t fun (because most curses aren’t). There were no real benefits. You were a cold blooded killer every full moon.

How the hell is that poetic, kids?

And were these werewolves hot like all the ones in the stories? Nope.

Did you know that werewolves were characterized (in human form) as having unibrows, curled under finger and toenails, and low set ears? Is that hot? The only thing they had going for them was their “swag” when they walked (but swag is for boys. So let’s be ladies and look for a gentleman with class).

No, I’m sure you didn’t know that, because who researches before they write a story? Obviously not the werewolf writers (that I’ve read. Calm down, this might not apply to everyone. Quit being ready to kill me, I’m not done ranting).

And why are all characters current (or future) leaders of their pack?

Why the hell do they even have a pack?

The reason they were referred to as “werewolves” was because their supposed resemblance to wolves (except werewolves in legends didn’t have tails). And maybe they howled (I never found a clear yes or no). But that’s about it.

But okay, let’s say we want to stick with the idea that they are wolf-like and examine why wolves (as in the real creatures) have packs. Two reasons: mating and hunting.

Well, as far as mating goes, I’m not really sure on how werewolves would go about that…don’t really care. (Come on, they’re only around on full moons anyway. And who wants to mate with someone who looks like that?)

Now for hunting. Wolves need packs to hunt so they have more speed and power. They can chase their helpless prey, wear them down, and pounce. And everyone can be involved.

But…waaaiiit a second. Aren’t werewolves characterized as having super strength, speed, and senses? So doesn’t that effectively remove their need for a pack?  Why, yeess. Yes it does!

They can do it all themselves. So stop with the pack animal thing. (Besides, wolf packs have been known to engage in cannibalism (yeah, they kill the weakest member during times of scarce food (do you want your precious characters doing that?)) and they are constantly traveling. Just think about that next time you write a werewolf story. You can’t go to high school in the same place for more than a few months. By then it’ll be time for them to move on.)

Literature has begun to ruin the kickassness of werewolves. They weren’t even susceptible to silver bullets until books published in the 18th century said so. (Besides it was a book published in the 1980s that depicted them as pack animals).

In the next chapter, I will discuss specific problems in the werewolf genre, but keep in mind, by knowing the history, you can fix nearly 99% of these issues (and if you stop making them pack animals, that moves up to roughly 99.98%).

(Just a little disclaimer, I didn’t use any formula to come up with those percentages. I just made them up, because this is my rant and I’m allowed to.)