Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

Teen Pregnancy- Finding Out

Someone wanted me to continue an earlier rant (and I’m too tired to even think up something on my own) so let’s do it.

Let’s talk about: Teen Pregnancy- Finding Out

You wanna know how many stories I’ve read on here (all in the name of research!) where the girl winds up pregnant literally the morning after she has sex? I cannot even begin to tell you how wrong that is.

So I’ll just tell you guys like this:

That is wrong.

Let me hit you with some knowledge (my brother says this all the time and, considering his age and occupation, it’s sad. Very sad.)

It’s suggested that you need to wait at least two weeks after conception to even take a pregnancy test. This is because pregnancy tests measure the level of hCG: a chemical produced during a pregnancy.

Also, it’s suggest that these tests are most accurate if taken in the morning, right after you wake up (I'm not sure why no one ever seems to mention this little factoid).

Yes, there are things such as false positives and false negatives (which I’ve yet to see her on Wattpad).

False positives can come from things such as improper testing (read the directions, kids), lines that evaporate which can be caused when you look at the test after the time suggested (so you read the results incorrectly), fertility treatments (because they sometimes inject you with hCG), chemical pregnancy (which is when the fetus dies, but the hormones are still all crazy), and sometimes even medications or rare medical conditions.

(Okay, you got me. I may have looked up how to fake a positive pregnancy test at some point in my life, but it was brilliant plan that was supposed to be hilarious…but failed…because they are hard as hell to fake).

False negatives can come from things like expired tests, improper testing procedures, testing too soon, diluted urine (do NOT drink lots of water to make yourself go), and some medications.

So there. Boom. They aren’t always accurate.

So when the little MC gets up the morning after she has sex with a boy, she will not be able to take a test and know right then whether or not she's pregnant.

And I guess I get really confused when the young girls (thirteen, fourteen, even fifteen year-olds) go all crazy because they missed their period.

Okay, if they had unprotected sex, I can see a lot of concern, but the thing about menstruating (I swear to God I’m so tired and I’m trying to be so professional about this) is that usually it takes a few years to develop an actual cycle.

Lots of women take birth control not just to prevent pregnancies, but also to help regulate hormones and cycles. Others take it to completely stop having periods at all (but that birth control isn’t as magical as it sounds).

And lots of other things can caused a missed period.

Changes in diet and exercise certainly can, and lots of athletes have conversations with their coaches about birth control to help out. Stress is another major factor as well as eating disorders and pituitary issues.

So a missed period isn’t just about being pregnant.

(Can I get a round of applause for making it through this thing so professionally?)

And there you have it, how it really is for a teenager (or any woman for that matter) to find out whether or not she’s pregnant.

That’s about all I can say.

Except, I’ll tell you this story (because I’ve actually had people complain that I don’t tell as many stories and they apparently think I’m funny (even though I’m not)), so here. Read a story that actually relates to the rant this time (if you want)!

Okay, so as you guys know by now, I took a second job at a grocery store a while back. And as I do at the restaurant, I like to have fun with my coworkers.

Now, if you know me personally, you know that for some reason people just like to confide in me all the time. Literally, complete strangers just spill their guts to me about their life and their problems and all that jazz, and I don’t know why, but I let them.

So whenever people have to buy embarrassing products they come down my checkout. And I don’t mind. It just gets strange when it’s my coworkers, but I’m cool about it.

Anyway, I work with this guy who’s insanely shy but also super nice and our whole relationship is based around him just awkwardly smiling at me and coming down my checkout when he wants to buy his condoms (three-four times a week). And he’s so sweet, but he’s painfully shy, and sometimes I feel really bad about that.

Sometimes I think I’m the only other person he interacts with (without being completely forced) besides his girlfriend and his mom.

So, (because I’m all about having weird/special/unique relationships with everyone) I decided that it would be nice if I just bought all my personal items at his register.

He buys his condoms at my register, I buy my tampons at his. It works. Except, I now have a lifetime supply of tampons (I literally buy a box every time he buys his stuff). But, like I say, I’m all about making people feel comfortable with me.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago he bought tampons instead of condoms (sweet right?) and it caught me off guard. And because I’m a problem solver (actually I don’t know what I was thinking), I bought a cheap box of condoms.

But don’t ask me why I did what I did next. (I’m telling you, I LOVE screwing with people).

But the next time he bought his stuff, I bought a cheap pregnancy test. And he gave me a really odd look when I asked for one (we keep them under the counter) and I simply said “never buy cheap condoms” and he just solemnly nodded like he was genuinely concerned.

I really think we had a breakthrough moment. I feel so close to him now. He smiles at me more and even laughs at my sarcasm now.

And I’ve done two very special things.

I’ve completely confused him about periods (I seriously buy products all the time and I now have so many I could open my own store)

AND

I’ve also convinced him that I knew I was pregnant four days after I bought a box of cheap condoms (which we just established can’t happen). (And no. I’m not pregnant. I have no social life anymore, thanks).

But now I have a box of cheap condoms and a pregnancy test just sitting at my house and I have no idea what to do with them.

I just feel like my dog is judging me and my need for people to be comfortable around me.