Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

The Monthly Visitor

This rant is another one of those with a story (at the end this time), so you can skip that part if you want to. But, I like to think it adds comic relief to such a depressing subject.

So, ladies (and gents, if you're brave), let's talk about:

The Monthly Visitor

Okay, so lately I've noticed some people complaining that no girls in stories ever have periods. And, I guess it makes sense, but only if they further the plot somehow.

For example, maybe the girl didn't go out to a party with some of her friends, because she doesn't feel good...then maybe while she's home, eating ice cream and crying, her house gets robbed. So, because she got her period, she didn't go out. Therefore, she was home when her house got robbed. See? Chain of events here.

Or, perhaps a girl constantly has to excuse herself when she's on a date, and the guy thinks it's because it's going horribly. That would create some tension between the two characters. He thinks she doesn't like him, so he gets distant. Then she thinks he doesn't like her because he's so distant. Chain of events.

Or maybe it can be mentioned in passing to explain a certain change in the character. For example, dylanobrien mentioned that her character was only carrying a purse to stash her female items in. How brilliant? Because now, she can carry a purse (which she never does), and girls can totally relate. And everything makes sense! Chain of events!

(Side note. That's from her story Paradise. Check it out. Seriously. Go. Now. Fly.)

So I'm all for female character getting monthly visits...as long as they mean something.

Maybe they explain why she's getting snippy at her parents and subsequently gets grounded and can't go to the big party; or why she's eating everything on the menu when a hot guy takes her on a date and he ends up not being able to afford the bill; or why she cries about dropping her pencil in class and has to go see the counselor.

But, whatever you do, don't just write: "Ugh. I'm on my period. Fuck periods, right girls? So, anyway, my friend Jenny called. Then later we went to a party. Ryan was there (OMFG, he's so HOT)."

(Yeah. I saw that once. It hurt my head.)

And don't go overboard with it. I'd hate to read about girls constantly bitching and griping because they're cramping and it's not fair and boo freaking hoo.

Don't make your character do that.  And trust me, I know it's hard sometimes. Soooo hard. (Especially because secondary dysmenorrhea is a complete bitch and I've literally had days where I couldn't walk).

But really? Please don't let your character be a complete bitch and talk about how guys couldn't handle periods because they'd be such little babies about them. How would anyone know that?

My best friend (a guy) is the reason I NEVER complain to the public how bad I hurt (and sometimes I'm convinced I'm going into labor. For real.)

I figured, if he could get up and shuffle around his hospital room while recovering from a collapsed ribcage and various leg/arm/back injuries, I can get up and put on a nice outfit and go to work like nothing's wrong.

I don't have "bad days" when I have people counting on me. I suck it up.

And there's nothing wrong with bad days, as long as it's not on someone else's time.

So, please don't let your character be the bitch of the year, just because she has her period. (And don't bash guys, saying that they couldn't handle it. Pain depends on the person).

(And don't bitch at me telling me I don't understand some people have awful cramps. I'm one of those people. I have a chronic pain illness. I've had debilitating cramps and yeah, I've sucked it up. I get it.)

Now on to my story that you don't have to read, but might want to for a giggle or something. It's really not important to the rant whatsoever. I just like to laugh at myself.

***

A couple of months ago (actually, it was August 5th...a day forever burned into my mind), my female cousin emailed me this funny article with period jokes and just gross period stuff any girl could relate to.

So I was sitting at my kitchen table, just reading through them, laughing, smiling, and giggling like a little girl, because it was so relatable and so gross at the same time. (Sometimes it's fun to know you're not alone with your emotional turmoil (even if you don't let it show).)

Then suddenly I hear the worst noise E-V-E-R. From right behind me, my best friend's younger brother whispered "Oh my God."

Why? Because he'd been reading over my shoulder for quite some time...

And, where his older brother wasn't sheltered from anything in the least growing up, he'd managed to basically keep his little brother locked in a tower. The kid was 16 at the time and he really just knew the basics (like where babies come from).

Okay, so I, with his brother, raised this kid (so yeah. We failed in this aspect) and he's super shy, and super sweet...and he was horrified. Absolutely horrified. Because I'm basically his only female influence, and all he knows it that on rare occasions Addy doesn't get out of bed unless she totally has to, because she'll fall flat on her face. So then she has to take a bunch of pain pills and go to the doctor. He doesn't know all the little tricks ladies have to stay classy.

And I was so embarrassed. Usually I have a really good sixth sense and can tell when people are behind me, but for some reason I was so absorbed in this article that I didn't even notice.

But he looked mortified. Seriously, I scarred the poor kid for life.

And the most horrible conversation ensued. This is the rundown.

Basically, I asked him why he didn't just stop reading if he thought it was so gross.

He said "It's like watching a car wreck. It's so horrible, but you can't look away."

He then went on to say "I'm pretty sure that's the written equivalent of SAW."

And bless his heart. He even told me, "I'm sorry. I'm trying not to be creeped out, but that's just too weird."

 And I felt compelled to explained that it wasn't exaggerated (while his brother sat idly by, pretending not to be quietly laughing at the gagging sounds the poor, curious kid made).

So now he knows that: seriously, you gotta cross your legs when you sneeze. And it looks like a mummy graveyard in the trashcan for an entire week. Aaannnd I even admitted that pretty much anything can be a major turn on while simultaneously being a turn off. (And that was the minor stuff that I felt wasn't too inappropriate for the internet (can you hear me laughing?))

And I don't think he's ever been more appalled or more sympathetic in his entire life.

Then later he told me "Y'know how we have that thing where we don't talk about that thing? Let's go back to that."

And we have. But I can tell that any time I'm casually holding my waist when no one's looking, silently wishing I was pregnant so I didn't have to deal with everything, he's thinking about all those things he read and cringing. Always cringing.

And that's my humiliating story.

I hope you enjoyed how mortified we were.