Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

Bad Writing Advice

 Sorry I’ve been gone. I’ve been busy as hell lately, but here I am. (On a side note, I ran a half-marathon the 31st and finished first for women and third overall. It’s not important, I’m just super proud of myself).

But now, let’s talk about: Bad Writing Advice that is unfortunately popular to give and receive these days.

And keep in mind, these are my opinions. As usual. Don’t get mad if you live by this advice. Sometimes, there’s only parts I dislike.

1. Show don’t tell.

I’ve already talked about this and I’ve already upset some people over it, but you have to admit: when not used in moderation, showing is just as horrible as telling. And I’m probably going to do an entire chapter on this, but here’s what you need to know:

Only showing leads to purple prose which is BAD. I think my animosity for this stems from the fact that I have a strong focus in American Lit and that’s not about endless description (usually).

But have you guys ever read classic literature and had to suffer through three pages of description about a bedroom? Yeah, don’t do that.

It’s cool to describe things by showing, but don’t show so much that you’re wasting my time telling me about this oak desk with three drawers and brass knobs that sits in the corner and has a scratch three and three sixteenth inches from the right edge and chips in the left corner if it has nothing to do with the plot and I never have to see this desk again.

2. Don’t use adjectives and adverbs

I’ve just recently come across a few writing “rules” that say this and I have to disagree. The adverbs thing I understand to an extent. Take this for example:

“I’m so excited!” she said happily.

The happily is implied by the “excited” and the exclamation point. It’s pointless (though I’m extremely guilty of this in first drafts. So really, just be conscious when you’re editing. It won’t kill anyone. It just cuts out unnecessary things).

And the only problem I have with adjectives is when they’re stacked. I say two at a time. Three at the most. Other than that, adjectives are great. Use them.

3. Always, always, always use proper grammar.

The only horrible part about this is that you shouldn’t always use proper grammar. More often than not, yes. But when you’re writing dialogue, hell nah. (See what I did there? I write this book in vernacular, so I used a colloquialism).

Let’s be honest, if you correct someone’s grammar when they talk to you, they get annoyed. So don’t do that to your characters. If they’re teenagers and not linguist, let them make little mistakes: “Me and Billy went to the store yesterday” instead of “Billy and I travelled to the market yesterday.”

Seriously, most English majors are pretentious assholes until they get several PhDs. Then they realize that dialect, vernacular, and regionalism and waaaay more important that sounding like a smartass.

4. Dragging things out gets boring. Make the events happen as quickly as possible.

Sorry, but you’re not going to fall in love and get married in a day…unless it’s Vegas…and you’re drunk. If you’re writing something boring, odds are it doesn’t need to happen or you need to reevaluate your approach to it. But don’t jump in so quickly that the readers don’t have time to connect with anything.

5. Sex sells.

I’ll admit, romance is supposed to be more flowery and poetic. But, morning sex isn’t fun before you brush your teeth, shower sex is dangerous (since the MC seems to only have the flaw of poor coordination),  I can’t walk on the beach without getting sand everywhere (so don’t even get me thinking about fooling around), and screwing in every chapter is just asking for an infection.