Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

Let's Get Physcial(ly Descriptive)

Are we out of busy season yet? As a coach at a small school district, no. But it is a less busy season being track, so I've finally found some time to sit down and write another rant.

I get a lot of questions about how to describe characters physically, since mirror descriptions and all variations of that terrible info dump are highly frowned upon, I'm here to help you with more of my infamously awful advice. Here we go: Let's Get Physical(ly Descriptive)

If I were half as funny as I think I am, this might be a decent rant book. Anyway, we're gonna mix good ideas with bad ideas, so this is bound to get messy.

1. Police Description

This is basically a mirror description, but often times it doesn't take place when a character is standing in front of a mirror. In essence, it's usually the MC, or narrator, describing a character like they're reciting a police report. They always describe eye and hair color and usually height and weight.

While I've heard it said that eye and hair color are not important descriptors and you can even leave them out if you want to, that wouldn't be my advice. Sure, it can definitely work, and if you can pull it off, then more power to you, but I don't see anything wrong with describing a main character's eye and hair color. However, unless it's dramatically important, I wouldn't keep bringing it up. Why?

Because there are only so many natural hair and eye colors for a person to have. Sure, there are various shades, but let's be real—the people relying heavily on hair and eye color as their only descriptions of characters aren't using incredibly vivid, exact color profiles. Ouch. That was mean.

And I definitely wouldn't give an exact height and weight for characters either. Why? Well, because 1. That's kind of creepy and 2. Body type is more important to know than numbers. Trust me, there's a difference between muscle and fat, so giving me numbers doesn't help as just biting the bullet and actually providing a picturesque description. Besides, people typically fluctuate anywhere from 2-5 pounds on any given day, so how are these people getting exact numbers.

2. Too Much Description

Honestly, what your character looks like is not nearly as important as what they do. I'm all for the physically description falling by the wayside in favor of reading about character's actions and reactions. Spend more time developing their personality and their hopes, dreams, fears, and desires and less time on the color of their beautiful blue-gray eyes (because it's always some shade of blue).

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that unless I'm constantly reminded of a certain aspect of the character's physical features, I'm gonna imagine them looking however I damn well want them to look. I'm so bad about reading about the way they interact with others and the way they progress the plot, that I build a physical description of my own for them.

That's why I hate watching movies after reading books—they never look the way I imagined. (It's also why I'm one of those people that believes there are certain names that just fit people and animals. Which is why I name every fucking stray I come across. Oh, he looks like a "Jenson". That squirrel is totally a "Don". Don't you dare run over "Rhett" the rabbit.)

Also remember that providing a really long chunk of text that is simply a description can be overwhelming to readers and many important, key details can easily be looked over and lost in the sea of information. Try to describe your character little by little. You don't have to do it all on the first page or even in the first chapter. You should give yourself time and introduce important things bit by bit. And, as always, if it's not important, don't waste time on it.

3. Pick One or Two Key Elements

This is one of my absolute favorite tips for describing a character: pick one or two small details to focus on. Instead of describing hair color, eye color, height, weight, face shape, eye shape, shoulder width, bra size, shoe size, and everything in between, pick one or two little things and refer to them continuously. Focus on the scar above their left eye or the way one of their canine teeth is rounded softly instead of pointed like their other one. Or focus on the way one ear sticks out slightly more than the other or the way their grin is crooked.

These little details shouldn't (or at least don't need) to be glamorous. Instead they should be real (but legit tip: the more embarrassing or unspectacular it is, the more likely your readers will be to relate or at least appreciate it.

I told you guys I was working on a short story about getting to see my best friend over Christmas and as I've been reading over it, I've noticed there is one detail I've been focusing on over and over and to the people who have read it so far, they think that's what stands out the most. So, to fill you in, back after his first deployment, when he came back to the States and I got to see him, we started this stupid little thing where we tell each other how we look older (and it all started because he had a freaking gray hair in his five o'clock shadow and stupid me just had to point it out).

Don't judge me. He's looked like he was twenty-seven since we were sixteen, but after that first deployment he hit thirty real quick. And he's and I get chattery when I'm nervous and I just had to point it out, because that's just the kind of stupid shit I always do. He's held out at thirty-two over the last few deployments, though, like mostly gray hairs and wrinkles, but stick with me.

This last deployment was incredibly rough and the fact that he came home is a miracle in and of itself, but the one thing that I noticed the most and was apparently hyper focused on were these little wrinkles under his eyes. They were hardly deep and didn't have that permanent gray tone that shadows on our faces often make, but I was mesmerized by them. He has one of those jobs where he can't tell me much about what he sees or does, but I know it's not good stuff and he has this permanent distance in his eyes now, but it was like those little, tiny, barely noticeable creases were my one connection between the man he is when he comes home and the man he is when he ships out.

At first, I thought it was just because I met up with him at one in the morning, he'd been awake for over twenty-four hours, obviously hadn't had much restful sleep in the days prior to that, was tired, hungry, and just wanting to relax. But even after we'd eaten and gotten a couple hours or sleep in, they didn't go away. And the second day when he fell asleep in his chair while waiting for me to get out of the shower, I noticed them again, even though he was so peaceful and rested and relaxed and I just knew they were a part of him now and they'd only get deeper and more noticeable, but it didn't matter. It's not like wrinkles are super hot (or maybe they are, I don't know), but I loved them anyway.

They're just stupid little wrinkles, but I couldn't stop looking at them. Every memory I have of that week in December I can see them so clearly. That's what you want for your characters and your reader. You want to give them a little detail that they can visualize and love and cherish.

And those are my tips for writing physical descriptions.

Funny story? I can't think of a particularly good one, but I have been getting some wonderful texts about March Madness. One was from my best friend's buddy and it said, "Your boy can speak fucktons of languages but his bracket's still shit." Can't blame him, though. Where did UMBC come from? Are you guys enjoying March Madness? I've never had such a messed up bracket, so I'm not.

Back on track, what are you favorite tips andtricks for writing physical descriptions? Or better yet, tell us a littledetail about one of your characters that is a crucial piece of theirappearance.