Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

They're Doin' It

So I've been doing some research for the One Direction rant that was requested and it brought me to my next topic of discussion. Also, I'm going to have to be really careful about what I say, because Wattpad could ban this based on my choices in diction.

So first, I'm going to take a serious moment here and ask that we all be the mature ladies and gentlemen I know we can be about this next subject: The Sex Scenes

Because in way too many stories on here:

They're Doin' It

(Yeah...I've watched waaay too much "That 70's Show" in my time)

I cannot count how many times I've come across stories where the characters have sex in chapter five or six (but it's cool, they're totally in love because they met all the way back in chapter one and now it's for character development) and then every other chapter ends in vivid descriptions of them jumping into bed...again.

I get that the majority of writers on here have raging hormones who want to impress people with how much they know about sex, but I'm sick of having to read it. Put down mommy's copy of Fifty Shades of Gray (burn!) and listen.

I don't care how many positions you know and can name and describe. I could not care less about how much you know about rolling hips and arching backs.

Sorry. That doesn't impress me. (BURN!)

Everyone needs to learn this:

There is a powerful magic in subtlety.

Pretty much 95% of the sex scenes are completely unnecessary. Why? Because they do nothing (and yes, I'm using the term "nothing") to further the plot.

"But, Addy, you ignorant girl. My conflict is an unwanted teenage pregnancy!"

Tell me, what part does the entire scene play in the novel? Is it necessary to tell me about the shedding of clothes, the position, the time, the sounds, every minuscule detail? Nope.

Why? Because that does NOT further the plot. It's filler substance.

Regardless of how it happens, she winds up pregnant. That's it. That's what the readers need to know.

Saying "and the door remained closed the rest of the night" and saying "he slammed her against the wall as she wrapped her legs around his waist (and I won't finish that)" lead to the same outcome: She winds up pregnant.

Which one was more effective?

Probably the subtle one, right? For me it was at least.

Not because it was complete, but because it was a whole new level of intimacy. It's like a tantalizing secret. We, as readers, don't know for certain what they did in that room for all that time and it's kind of romantic, right? Or am I crazy?

I am one of those girls that despise huge public displays of affection. When in public I'd rather be kissed on the forehead than have my face sucked. Seriously. I don't make out in public. I'me classy like that. A quick kiss if anything. (Actually, I have a bubble and I don't even like being with in a million feet of anyone, but just stay with me)

Why?

Because to me that says "We don't need attention. I love you and it doesn't matter if the world knows. It matters that you know. It matters that what's between us is our secret and that's enough. It doesn't matter what people think of us, it matter how we feel."

And to me, that's pretty damn hot.

The first time I ever ran across people actually "doing it" (every time I phrase it that way, I hear Michael Kelso screaming and doing his little head bob thing and it makes me laugh unreasonably hard) in a book I was probably in middle school (I didn't get out much) and I remember it made such a huge impact on me.

It was the second book in the young adult Chanters of Tremaris Trilogy by the amazing author, Kate Constable.

I don't remember the absolute exact wording, so I'll paraphrase. Just know that all rights belong to Ms. Constable.

Throughout the story, the ring the guy wears is described and it's a symbol of his power and his rightful position as king. Well, the two love birds go into his quarters and they speak for a moment and he tells her how much he cares about her and doesn't want to see her get hurt. And the chapter ended along the lines of:

"The ruby ring tangled in her dark plait and neither of them bothered to untangle it for a long time."

And the next chapter started a new day and a new adventure.

And I thought, damn. That was hot.

Why did that one little phrase make so much impact on me?

Because the subtlety of it. What happened when the ring was tangled is between the two characters and the author. Describing it would not have furthered the plot in any way, so it was lightly mentioned just as a relationship development.

And it was so sweet—just the two of them in this intensely private moment—it melted my heart.

So stop describing the mechanics of sex unless you're writing erotica. It doesn't matter. It doesn't affect the plot one way or the other how it happens, just that it happens.

Now, if you want to do the "rated R" chapters or ever the "deleted scenes" book, go for it. Honestly! I mean, Fifty Shades was marketable, because obviously some people like the erotic side. But trying to pass it off as an actual important chapter should not be done.

If it doesn't further the plot in one way or another, don't do it to the point of exhaustion. I'd rather read about the feelings and emotions than the mechanics any day. I know how sex works, but I don't know how your characters feel.

EVERYTHING in your story must be RELEVANT to the conflict!

It has to be or it's a huge waste of everyone's time. And sometimes, the wastes of time are nice, but they should be set aside from the actual story.

And that's how I feel about that.

How do you guys feel about it?

Do you like the scenes or agree that they should be subtle?

Oh, and enjoy the little Michael Kelso burn compilation.