The Lives Of The Romanovs

Life Is Odd

Vladimir
November 1926

I am exhausted of everyone pretending that everything in the world is fine when it is not. The Romanov family seemed to be experts in that field. Even though I had Romanov blood, I was a Paley. And I was so completely confused at how they all acted after Josiah's death. Acting as if Josiah had not been murdered and Anastasia was with child. Which came as a shock to us all. The Tsarina was not too happy about it, that's for sure.

There was an arrangement. After Anastasia gave birth, the baby would quietly be taken to an orphanage. That way, Anastasia could go back into society. However, I disagreed. I personally think that the baby should be adopted into a new home, not an orphanage. Orphanages are known for abuse of the children. Anastasia wants to find a family, but simply doesn't know how without making a scandal. That would be the difficult part.

Anastasia was six-months-along in her pregnancy. She was showing and always talking about how she could feel the baby kick. Anastasia always told me how she knew the baby was going to be a girl. This family needed more girls. Olga had four sons, I had a son, and Tatiana had a son. Between us, there were only two girls, and they were both from Tatiana. A third girl would be nice for a change.

Paul and I moved back into the Alexander Palace. With the house being a bit more crowded again, I wanted to spend more time with my in-laws. I have found a lot of time to write, and to spend with Papaw. Paul is going to fast from my liking. Next month, he was going to be three. Unfortunately, his birthday was not a happy day for me. Yes, my son was brought to this world, but it was also the day that my Lilas was taken away from me.

The chauffeur drove me out to Peter and Paul's Cathedral. I watched all the buildings and people go by the car, wondering what all they did on a regular basis. I was always interested in people. How they lived their lives differently and what they did. I was always interested in what happened outside of the palace walls. In a way, I was starting to feel closed off.

I stepped out of the car. I walked around to the back of the cathedral to the cemetery. I stomped through the snow until I got to Maria's grave. The grave was freshly clean, I could tell. The headstone looked as clean as it did the day of her funeral. I remembered how I tried to throw myself into the grave with her. How foolish of me.

Grand Duchess Maria Nikolaevna Paley
June 26, 1899–December 31, 1924
The daughter of Tsar Nicholas II and Tsarina Alexandra Feodorovna
Wife. Sister. Mother. Daughter.

"Hello Lilas." I smiled at the grave. "There has been so much that you missed. Well, Anastasia is pregnant. She had a Jewish lover, can you believe the scandal?" I laughed. For some reason, I was a bit disappointed when I did not hear anyone laugh with me.

"He was murdered in July. But we lied. I feel so poorly that I lied to her. Anastasia has only ever been good to me...and I feel as if I betrayed her. And Olga has been coming around more. Her boys have grown so much. They are truly rambunctious and lively boys, especially Lyokha. Then Tatiana is also living at the Alexander Palace with her children. Her and Dmitri are not doing well. Figures right?" I laughed again. But once again, there was no response. Just snow over the grave.

That's when I started crying. Maria died almost three-years-ago, and I still cannot seem to let go. I am still so overcome with grief. Why did I have to be a widower? This was not fair.

"And Paul...he is alright, Lilas. He is alright. H-He looks just like you." I laughed through my tears. "Paul has recently found a love for dogs. Do not tell him, but I am buying him a puppy for Christmas. A Cocker Spaniel."

Once again, silence.

"I hate the fact you are gone. I hate that you left me alone to be a father on my own. I'm afraid that I am no good at this. What if...Paul turns out poorly, and it is my fault?"

"Prince Paley?" An old lady's voice muttered. A hand was put on my shoulder as well. I turned my head to see who it was. The Dowager Empress Maria Feodorovna was there. She wore a lavender-colored outfit with a lavender-colored coat on top. The Dowager Empress kept her Edwardian clothing and chose to not dress with the era.

"Your Majesty." I turned toward her and bowed. "What are you doing here? We should go inside. It is freezing."

"Oh, when you get to be my age, you do not mind how cold or hot outside it is anymore. My joints will hurt either way." She laughed. I faked a smile at her. I did not feel like laughing or joking around. She reached into her purse and pulled out a handkerchief. The Dowager Empress held it up to my face and started wiping my tears for me.

"You poor dear." The Dowager Empress exhaled. "There is no pain like losing a spouse. It comes second. The greatest pain is losing a child, if you ask me. I have lost three."

"Three, ma'am?"

"It feels like Mikhail is gone. He hardly writes and is not allowed back in Russia. If you ask me, it feels like Mikhail is dead. Prince Paley, walk with me to my car. Slowly." She held her arm out to me. I linked arms with her. I realized she could not walk very fast anymore and needed her cane now more than ever. The Dowager Empress had several wrinkles and age spots. She was a woman of seventy-nine. Her hands were skinny along with her sunken-in face. She was in such fragile condition."

"Why were you here today, ma'am?" I asked her.

"Visiting my husband."

"Ah, I see."

"And my fiancé. I visit the two quite a bit lately."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Your fiancé? Oh yes, I forgot that you were betrothed before His Imperial Majesty. Was it hard for you to love him?"

"Whatever do you mean, young man?" She asked, almost offended at my words.

"I meant, was it difficult for you to fall in love with the late Tsar? I am sure it was very complicated, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was. However, my fiancé's dying wish was that Alexander and I got married. But you are correct, it took awhile for me to fall in love with him. Soon enough, I did and we had a beautiful family."

"Ma'am, why do you believe I am having such an awful time trying to grieve Maria? She has been gone for nearly two-years, and she still haunts me."

The Dowager Empress sighed at me. "It is because you refuse to let go. You believe that if you are happy without Maria, then you will be betraying her. Let's face this, your whole world revolved around my granddaughter, didn't it?"

I never thought of it like that. I always thought Maria and I kept active lives outside of each other. But perhaps, she had made a point. The estate in France, my poems, and even Paul...were all about Maria. My whole life was her.

"Maybe." I muttered. The two of us made it around to the front of the cathedral. I walked her to the car and assisted her in. We had not shut the door yet so we could speak. The Dowager Empress was settled in her seat while I stood outside.

"You refuse to let yourself be happy. Prince Paley, you must accept that my granddaughter is gone. Then, you may be content. Until then, you will remain in misery."

"But how does one even let go? I do not understand."

She weakly smiled. "Yes, you do. You know how to let go. The real question is: do you have the courage to do it?" And that hit my heart hard. Did I have the courage to let Maria go? I was not sure. I felt rather weak. I was not strong like the Tsar, but a weak soul.

"I am weak, ma'am."

"You are stronger than you believe, dear one." The Dowager Empress cleared her throat. "Come visit me for tea next Tuesday. I wish to see my grandson. And also...I would also like a friend right now."

I nodded at her. "I would be honored, your imperial majesty."

"Good. Goodbye, Prince Paley." I then shut the door to her car for her. A moment later, the car was off. I watched her drive away. I had been absolutely surprised her kindness today. The family had not enjoyed my company before, why now? I wished to give the Dowager Empress the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, she was just as lonely as I was.