The Lives Of The Romanovs

My Greatest Comfort

Tatiana

I went to the hospital the next day. I needed to take my mind off of everything. A late shift from 14:00 to 22:00 was what I needed. Anton disagreed, claiming I was already under enough stress. However, working was what would help me. Besides, I also wished to run away from my family for the night.

Around 21:30, all of the patients had been put to bed and given their medicine. The other nurses had gone to go get a small meal from a tavern down the street. Some of the taverns and bars around the area were open all night. Though, I had no desire to visit one.

I took off my apron and hung it up. Anton had been cooped up in his office all night, writing and what not. I crept down the hall to his office. I slowly opened the door. There Anton was at his desk, sipping on whiskey and smoking a cigarette.

"Are you drinking alcohol on the job, Doctor Ivanov? I believe that is a crime." I smirked.

Anton smirked back at me. "Do not tell the Tsar on me."

"Your secret is safe with me." I chuckled. I came inside the office and shut the door behind me. I sat down in a chair in front of his desk. Anton pulled out another glass from his desk. He poured some whiskey into it, then slid it over to me. I picked it up and let the whiskey run down my throat. It burned my throat and had a burnt taste to. I winced and cleared my throat.

"It is so disgusting." I groaned.

Anton laughed, taking another sip of his whiskey. "Tatiana Nikolaevna, how are you?"

"I am fine."

"No, I am not your family. How are you, truly?"

My heart sank. "I-I do not know anymore. These past weeks have been so very...sad."

"Has he written at all? Telephoned?"

"He telephoned last night to speak to Baby Irina and Beth. Dmitri refused to speak with me last night."

"It is not your fault, Tatiana Nikolaevna. I hope you know that. It is not your fault." Anton reassured me. But it did not feel that way. A part of me felt responsible for my marriage falling apart. If I had not been at the hospital so much or if I had not been so bossy, then perhaps it would have been different for us.

"I am not so sure about that. I have not exactly been a perfect wife." Tears started forming in my eyes.

"Of course not. No person is perfect. How are you going to be a perfect wife?"

I let the tears start rubbing down my face. It was to difficult to keep them in. "I hate everything. Olga makes it seem so easy. Olga and Igor are so happily married. Before she passed, Maria and Vladimir's marriage was so beautiful as well. I-I cannot do it."

Anton stood up and walked around his desk. He sat down on the edge of desk in front of me. Anton crossed his arms and deeply exhaled.

"Not every marriage is the same. Like how every person is not the same. Igor Konstantinovich and Prince Paley are kinder people than your husband is."

"It-It's not fair, Anton. I have only ever tried to be-be a good daughter, sister, mother, and wife. I managed to destroy everything. I-I am messy." I cried harder. Anton reached into his pocket, pulling out a handkerchief. He handed it to me. I wiped my tears and watched him. I never noticed how green his eyes truly were before.

"We are all messy. That is what makes us human. If we were all perfect, than where would be the fun and drama in this life?"

I giggled. "I wish I could fly away sometimes. I wish I could become a bird and fly away to somewhere beautiful."

"Any place specifically?"

"The South of France. I want to fly to the beach. I wish to buy vanilla ice cream and sit on the beach. No Dmitri...no pain."

"I hope this does not sound too inappropriate, but you deserve better. You are one of the kindest women I have ever known. You do not deserve him."

I stood up from my chair and walked over in front of him. "Thank you, Anton. I wish I had met you earlier in my life."

"Me too. We would have been wonderful childhood friends. Could you see it?" Anton smiled at me.

I smiled back and looked down at my feet. "I can see it." I looked back up at him. Anton kept that smile on his face. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel warmth and comfort. I had been so utterly lonely that last few days. Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed Anton. After a few seconds, he gently pushed me away. He had a puzzled expression on his face. In my stomach, I had instant regret. The alcohol was starting to burn inside my stomach.

"Tatiana Nikolaevna-" Anton said quietly. I wiped my mouth and gave a fake chuckle.

"I was not thinking. That was incredibly rude and ignorant of me."

"Tatiana-"

"Anton, it is fine. Dmitri and I are fighting, but I am still a married woman. I should have kissed you. Forgive me. I must go now." I gulped and turned away.

"Please, we should-"

"No, it is alright. Have a good night, friend." I said in a fake happy-tone. I slowly walked to his office door and quietly shut it behind me. I wished to die in that moment. I was humiliated about what I had just done. He was not only my best friend, but he was also my boss. How would this effect Anton and I'd relationship? What was I going to do? Would I be forced to find a new hospital to work at? Was Anton going to tell Rebecca Brown and she was going to gossip around the palace? Oh, the anxiety was setting in.

I stepped the line tonight. I kissed a man as a married woman. But in my opinion, the worse part about it all: I liked it. And I was not sorry.