Start All Over × Luke Hemmings

Forever In My Heart.

Vanessa's P.O.V

~Skip a few days of organizing and tears, it's now the day of Natalie's funeral~

Today was simply one of those days I could never imagine would happen so early in my life. Obviously this day was bound to happen one day just not today, not so soon, not when she was still so young. She had so much life left to live, so much to accomplish, so much to prove and so much hope that we’d always be together but now everything she once wished for has been crushed just like my heart.

Here I am, a now Motherless 16 year-old girl standing inspecting my dress for my now dead Mother’s funeral, no matter how long I stared at myself, no matter how long I stood and procrastinated, the events of today won’t change, she’ll still be gone, I’ll still be alone, I’ll still be heartbroken and I think that’s what pains me the most.

So many emotions are taking over my body. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel, I don’t know how to act. I’m a stranger in my own body and as worrying as that might be I’d favour this over feeling everything, even being numb is better than the heartbreak.

The last few days have been extremely tough not only for myself but for all the people I’ve yelled at. To be honest I’m surprised I still have friends. I’ve been so angry lately, every small spark of emotion that I feel when finally something breaks free of the numbness goes to whatever it might be to anger in 0.002 seconds and whoever is near me wears it with an outburst of word vomit.

Also it’s painfully annoying being asked “Do you need anything?” “Do you want to talk?” “Are you okay?” every 5 seconds. I know they’re only trying to be supportive and helpful but how do you expect me to feel my Mum was announced dead only a few days ago and you have the audacity to continuously ask me if I’m okay. Of course I’m not okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay, ever again.

I need to forget about my own problems and worry about Mum because today is her day. Today we'll celebrate her life and talk about old memories. Mum wouldn't want us to be sad, she was always such a happy person so I’ll trick everyone’s minds with my perfected fake smile and fool them all.

Most importantly we'll say goodbye, goodbye to my beautiful Mother. The feeling in my stomach when I begin to think about saying goodbye is enough to almost send me running for the toilet bowl and the ache in my chest doesn’t help the situation at all. I don’t want to say goodbye. It’ll make it real and I don’t want to believe this is real.

My mind is a ticking time-bomb and at any random time it could blow and any string of bad actions and words could follow. I wish I could blame this all on someone, I wish there was someone I could point the finger at and just yell and scream but the only person I can blame is myself. I should have been more loving and supporting like I was when I was younger, I should have spent more time with her and less time out being a stupid teenager. There is so much that I have said and done in the past that I wish I could take back like the time I ran away from home I wish I could take those long months back and cherish every second with Mum by my side or the time I yelled and screamed at her that I hated her when I knew every word was a lie because I love her more than anyone on the planet. I wish I could take it all back and I wish she could have gone to heaven not having one single doubt about her teenage daughter but I can’t help but feel like that’s all her head was filled with.

I’ve dealt with sadness and I’ve been heartbroken before but nothing and I mean nothing has ever hurt this much. Mum dying is a whole new level of sadness, it makes me so sad I can see and feel the darkness that I know so well slowly closing in around me making me feel isolated and alone.

She was my hero.

She knew me better than I know myself and she never left my side whenever times got tough. Even though there has been rough spots and plenty of bumps in the road I can say honestly that she was one great Mum.