Chan
why do you still
have xmas shit up
Because I'm lazy
ughhhh
My bad lol
______
Without thinking, I double tap his message, liking it. No true response. I was busy, I didn't have time to think about coming up with a better answer.
Hours. It's been hours since that conversation. I keep thinking back to it.
Did he think I was actually annoyed with him? I've been messaging him a lot. Am I the annoying one? Should I stop talking to him for a bit? What if we drift apart again? He's my best friend; I don't want that to happen. Should I message him and say sorry, I should've responded better? Will that fix it? I mean, it's communication. What if I just annoy him? I seem to do that a lot. Unless it's in my head. It's usually that. Will he actually get mad at me for that? It's his house, he can do whatever he wants with it. I thought he might've forgotten. It's not a big deal. Why do I always put myself in these situations? Why do I always piss off the people I care about? Unless he's upset that I might be pissed at him. I hope he doesn't think that.
I clench my jaw, pinching the bridge of my nose. Headache. There was an uneasy bubbling in my stomach. My thoughts were racing. I can't help it. Am I annoying everyone today?
I was texting Minho today. Asked if he wanted a kiss after taking a photo of the small, silver-wrapped candy. We're not dating, but I really like him. He admitted that he likes me. We're taking it slow though.
How do I trust that he likes me? We were talking and I complimented him. Was it weird? Was it too bold? I called him pretty. He responded well to it, but why do I feel like he didn't like it? Was it intuition or was I overthinking? I was overthinking. Don't do that. I can't help it. What if he's using me? What if he doesn't actually like me? It's crazy, though. He admitted to liking me first. Liars exist. Do I talk too much though? What if he hates that? I don't mean to. I just get excited when I talk to him. I like complimenting him. It's- it's my thing. He compliments me too. Not even because I do it first. He messages me after seeing a social media post. We both do that. Are the feelings truly mutual? I'm so scared that they're not. I haven't been in an actual relationship in three years. I've forgotten. I don't remember how these feelings... feel. Am I doing it right? Am I being too quick? Am I going too fast?
Why do I question myself after everything I do? I can't keep up with it. It's so hard. My heart is pounding and my fingers are trembling. I can barely see my phone screen. My eyes are darting everywhere. I don't know what to focus on.
Ouch. Headache.
I swallow the thickness that's building in my throat. My arm hairs stand straight when a chill runs through my body. It's cold.
Why today? Why tonight? It was a good day today, I thought. My brain loves fighting me. It loves arguing. It loves talking. I hate listening. I hate having it there in the back of my mind. Why can't it leave me alone? Why can't I have a single day to myself? No thoughts, head empty.
Anxiety disorder:
A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.
Examples of anxiety disorders include panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
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•How was this?
Personally, I think it was one of my more powerful pieces. This was how my day was today. Nothing but thoughts and headaches. It's nice writing fictional stories, but writing facts through fiction is just as nice.
I seem to do that a lot•
