"Felix, maybe we should break up," I breathe out, breaking my own heart when the words escape me.
He was getting closer to Chan. I could see it. They were always together, leaving me in the dark. I felt out of place when I was with Felix, even worse when I was with Chan. I didn't know what to do, it... hurt.
"What?" His body freezes when he comprehends what I was saying.
We were in our shared bedroom. I felt nauseous when the thoughts of breaking up gathered in my head. But if he really didn't care that much, then I shouldn't either.
I kept thinking, what if they're just good friends? What if he admits he's cheating? How is my friendship with Chan going to be affected? How is our group going to be affected?
It just seemed to clear that Felix didn't care anymore. And I wasn't going to hold onto something that was hurting me.
"Changbin, why? Did I do something wrong?" Tears were building in his eyes.
I had planned everything I was going to say. But for some reason, I choked. All I could get out was, "I'm sorry."
And then I left the room, not being able to bear watching him as he cried.
I just made the worst mistake of my life.
-
Weeks went by, our group flustered by the sudden change of emotions. It was tense, to say the least. Chan spent every second with Felix. Jeongin was always by my side.
I didn't expect Jeongin to comfort me as much as he did, but it helped. When I was angry with myself, he'd take me to go workout. When I was confused, he'd talk it out with me. When I was sad, he'd put on a movie for me.
He'd never stay with me, though. He'd be at the opposite end of the gym. He'd be sitting on the other couch. He'd leave the room after setting up the movie.
He knew I wanted to be alone.
I couldn't help but think, what if I hadn't broken up with Felix? Things wouldn't have changed. It's my fault, isn't it? I should've talked it out with him.
"Goddammit!" I hit the punching bag, my gloves worn out from how much I've been using it. I punch it until my arms are sore, sweat dripping down my forehead. I take in a deep breath, hugging the bag and pressing my head against.
My throat begins to swell, tears blurring my vision. I let go of the bag, walking to the bench and sitting down, drinking my water. Just push it away, like you do with everything else.
"Changbin?"
I look up, watching as Jisung sat next to me, sweaty from his own training with Minho.
"What?" It came out harsher than I meant.
"What's bothering you?"
"I regret it."
"Breaking up with Felix?"
"Yeah."
"Do you want him back?"
"...yeah. Yeah, I do."
"Then do it."
And that was it. He got up and left.
-
I stare at the darkened ceiling, Jeongin not in his bed yet. He was probably playing video games with Hyunjin.
'Then do it.'
How? How could he even forgive me so easily? How would I ask? How would I do it?
An hour goes by, different ways of asking going in and out of my head. Suddenly, I hear faint music coming from outside of the room.
A song.
I sit up, grabbing my phone and opening my notes. Ask him to do a song with me. But what would be the lyrics?
'I hate myself and should've never let you go'? No. That's too sad and overused. 'I'm sorry I was an asshole'? Don't be stupid.
Fuck. How was I going to do this?
Write things I like about him? His smile... his stories... his honesty...
Then the words started to flow, and I was wrote for another hour before being finished. I only had to make the beat. Gosh, I hope he likes it.
-
"Hey," I knock on his door, waiting for him to look at me before continuing. "Do you want to help me record a song?"
He doesn't look into my eyes. He refuses. "Sure, let me get dressed." His voice was tired. There were bags under his eyes. His eyes themselves were... dull. What have I done to you?
We walk out of the room, him following me out of the dorm. Jisung nodded at me as I walked out, letting me know that it was okay.
We get into the recording studio. I set up the devices, hooking up the beat and headphones. Please, please, please let this work.
"Can I see the lyrics? I need to know how it sounds with the music."
"Um..." Shit. "It's uh... just listen to the beat and... h-here, I'll show you. It's not..." My hands were shaking as I stumbled over my words.
"Changbin." He sets his hand on my forearm, looking me in the eyes.
I quickly look away, swallowing thickly. "The lyrics are supposed to go... like this, I guess."
I play the bgm, humming the lyrics to it. I wanted him to read them while recording.
"...okay? Why can't I read them?"
"It's a learning experience. Like how we did on the two-kids room thing." Great cover up, Changbin.
He looks confused, but doesn't say anything.
"Just sing the lyrics when the music starts. Don't do it before. Let it flow."
He nods, opening the door to the smaller room. I wait for him to put on the headphones and give me a thumbs up after warming up his voice.
I play the song, listening along with, watching as he starts to sing along. He frowns at the paper with the lyrics on it, not stopping. Tears build in my eyes; hearing his voice was... indescribable.
I sniffle, wiping my eyes. He didn't stop, even when he was reading the lyrics. Why? Did he not like it? Why did he frown? Should I have sung it for him? Shit, isn't that what you're supposed to do? I wouldn't have even gotten through the damn song.
The door to the booth opens and I'm suddenly being tackled in my chair. He climbs onto my lap, squeezing me tightly.
"I love you, too."
"I'm so sorry," I cry out, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so sorry."
"Why, Binnie? Why?"
"I was jealous. I thought you didn't care anymore. You spent so much time with Chan. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I should've talked it out with you. It's my fault."
"I'm just glad to have you back, right? That's why you wrote it?"
"Yes," I nod, "I want you back. Please, Lee Felix, be my boyfriend again."
"As long as you talk to me about how you're feeling, yes, I will."
His soft lips land on mine, cherry scented chapstick filling my nose. His lips were like how they were before, but better. Because they were all mine.
•How was this?•
