"I feel so... out of place, Min. With my family. When we get together, all it takes is for someone to say something to me, and this deep feeling in my chest just sinks. Then I have to force a smile through the rest of the day."
Minho brushes my hair gently as he listens. I'm glad he doesn't try to give me a solution unless I ask for it.
"And it isn't even with my family sometimes. It's with my friends, as much as I love them. Even with my best friend. I just don't belong."
I sigh, burying my face in his chest. My anxiety was high from the family reunion I went to, and I forgot to grab my anxiety meds before I left the house. My heart was pounding at the thought of the situation that made me leave an hour early. I didn't want to leave. I love my family. But I couldn't physically take it.
"I've never felt comfortable anywhere before. I mean, I do feel comfortable when I'm with Felix. He's my best friend. It's comfortable because he's touchy, and I like touchy. With Changbin, I feel awkward. I feel like he hates me or something. I know it's not true, I just can't help but think."
I move my head to the side, looking through his room. His hand that was running through my hair was really, really warm.
"And you... you're really comfortable. I've never felt so comfortable. I don't know how or why it's like this, but it is. You know those items you have as a child? The comfort items, like a blanket or a stuffed animal?"
He nods, a small smile etched on his face.
"You're like that, but you can actually give me solutions to my issues. And you're alive," I laugh stupidly, wondering what was going on in his head. Did he feel the same? Or was I too reliant? Was he bothered by how many issues I have?
"Ugh, I really should've brought my pills."
He airily laughs, leaning down to kiss my head. "I told you we could go get them, baby."
"No, it's okay. You're also like my pills. Not exactly, obviously, but you know how to calm me down. You actually do sometimes better than them. They ease the problem outside. You ease my anxiety, but you also help me so it doesn't happen as often. The pills don't give a solution. They just... block it out, I guess."
"That's what they're made to do. That's why there's talk therapy, love."
"I know, but still. Not everyone is able to get talk therapy and pills. I'm lucky enough that my brother cared enough to get me into a therapist without my parents knowing, better yet, that therapist helping me attain the meds."
I take a deep breath, feeling a muscle in my arm spaz out for a moment before calming down. It's weird how that stuff happens. Why do muscles act out randomly?
"Anyway," I clear my throat, "back to the original topic. You. You're like a comfort item, but way better. And I do feel comfortable with you. I guess that's how it should be since were dating, but it should be that way for a lot of other relationships I have, but it's not. So I don't know if you just pull a random mind trick or if your aura is actually something that instantly helps me. Like a candle. If you smell a smell, it's almost automatic that you know what that scent is. Is that the correct kind of example? I don't know, but I hope you know what I mean."
"I do."
I hum, looking up at him. He's gazing down at me, sparkles in his eyes from his blue shaded LED lights. Everything about him had a blue tint to it, making him look like an actual angel. Or a sexy alien. Whichever is more realistic.
"Am I too reliant?"
"Not at all."
"What's your comfort item?"
"You."
I smile, "you're just saying that."
He giggles, shaking his head. "I mean it. I've come to you a lot when I'm upset. I don't go to anyone else. You know how I was before you. I never let anyone help me. I never let anyone see me cry. I was struggling by myself. And then you came, and you... instantly relieved me from my worries and stresses. I know what you meant about the aura thing. It's like when I'm in your presence, I'm okay. Or if I'm not okay, I know it's going to be okay if I have you."
I snuggle into his arms further, both of us adjusting before he grabbed the remote to his lights and turned them off.
"I'm happy you feel that way. I've always dreamed of someone understanding and reflecting how I felt about them. I feel like I can breathe with you. Really breathe."
"You're the light of my life, Han Jisung."
"You make my world colorful, Lee Minho."
•How was this?
It was supposed to be angst, but I felt calm and collected once I started really writing it. So here's a more thoughtful, fluffy-ish oneshot.
By the way, is it just me or do you guys like it when a story is mostly thinking or deep, thoughtful dialogue? Not the entire story, but chapters in it? Because chapters like this are really healing to me. I don't know why•
