Cat Fight In The Kitchen-Wattpad Rant

Anorexia

I don't want to write this, but there's a very good reason for it. So let's talk about: Anorexia

Because I get this request a lot and I decided it's time to stop running from the inevitable. (But before we get started, I know I had a really weird case, so don't use this as fact and don't yell at me if yours was different (also, maybe just don't read this if you have a fucking problem with it, yeah?). Everyone's is different so don't take this as basic fact. Do your own research).

And I don't want to share too much because I don't want to give anyone ideas (and I really don't want to).

Now that that's out of the way, we'll proceed:

1. It's not about food

It's about control. At least, that was my thing. Really, I wasn't concerned about society telling me I should be thin to be beautiful or whatever. For me, it wasn't even about trying to be pretty. It was about the fact that I could make my stomach burn and my head hurt and I could still push myself to run mile after mile and spend hour after hour in the gym. It was the fact that every bad thing that happened to me was my fault. I was powerful enough to literally destroy my life and body and that was what my eating disorder is about.

I hate characters that spend all their time blaming society for what they've done. For me, that was the best part: no one made me do it. It was all me. I did that and to be honest, I know it's sick, but I'm proud as hell I accomplished something so hard.

So no, don't even start on the "fat people must disgust you" or "you must be jealous of skinny people". You don't know how many times people have asked me that. To be honest, no. I'm not disgusted or jealous of anyone. This is incredibly selfish, but really, I'm too busy trying not to fuck up again to care much about other people's appearance. Get over it.

2. It doesn't just affect your weight

I don't know why no one ever tells you this, but it doesn't just make you skinny enough to count ribs and see hip and collar bones. It will ruin your body.

I'm talking low blood pressure, irregular heartbeats, anemia, kidney failure, swollen joints, osteoporosis, just to name a few problems. Also, your hair falls out and you get to have bald spots. But you do get to have these weird, fine little hairs grow all over your body that are supposed to help because you're cold all the time. And you stop having periods and you stop being able to sleep even though you're exhausted all the time. And you start to go crazy.

A lot of times, if you're lucky, you get to have outpatient treatment (assuming there is no serious damage to major organs)

I was in the hospital for a while and they literally put a feeding tube thing up your nose to make you gain weight and it's embarrassing and uncomfortable and terrifying and even though you know you didn't have control before, you're furious because you have even less when they do that.

So that's not fun, but no one ever talks about that. We don't write about it, because it's not cool, but it's real. It's the most real thing you'll ever have to go through.

3. Intimacy becomes next to impossible

I hated hugs before, but when I was at my worst, I'd go out of my way to keep people from touching me, because I knew what I was doing was wrong and there was the constant fear that they'd make me stop. So, I burned a lot of bridges and let go of a lot of really good, close friends because it was easier to piss them off and make them go away than it was to let them try to help me.

And even after I admitted I had a problem and wanted help you wouldn't believe how many friends I lost. It's unreal, but I don't blame them. Asking someone to put their life on hold or go out of their way to help someone like me is asking too much.