Intervening countless world annoyances with a destiny of being the firstborn is a remarkable challenge I've ever had in life. So far, the only continuation I can say regarding this fate is...it has made me realize that the longer I mourn in my sleep, the farther I am from a spectrum of awareness that solidifies my responsibilities in becoming the second line of defense for the "little scientist" I loved. It is an anxiety that I found damaging me continuously as the one who stands at the first line is never able to prove their worthiness as guardians.
What makes this situation even worst is...the more my "little scientist" exhibits the spirit to craft, the more they received a stripping chatter that is spoiling and hesitating, which is a starting point that so far has led them to evolve into something that howls for affection and bereavement. An event, which sometimes rushes them to believe there's no human in this world that is able to provide freedom and sobriety. A break of silence that I know can lead anyone to undergo many loops and relapses that shatter character and espousal connections.
I hate to see how every strengthening action that I did for my "little scientist" is being dictated quietly as something that is arrogant by the guardians I live with. I hate to see how the emotional support that I receive from my guardians is always coming from the molecules of their own insecurities and stupidity, despite it has been able to prompt their atmosphere to be filled with self-manipulation, which is an inner happening that is known to have a flaw in transmitting absolute philosophy. I wonder...if there is still a brimming event or aftermath out there that can help me with finding a better option for my "little scientist" consciousness?.
I have given so many ideas that could amplify and benefit both parties, but still...I can never know how to bring my guardians into a position where they can allow themselves to listen and regulate the amount of apathetic process they transmit to their bloodline. I can never understand...what kind of experience or desire leads them to believe all the conflicts they have caused will somehow be able to make their bloodline highly capable of coloring and accepting themselves without any mental issues.
It starting to reach a gap of ignorance where they never want to understand the reason why...I want my "little scientist" woke up to a warm breakfast and greetings, not with wet pillows and meandering self-acceptance. It is a simple curing conditioning and purpose that I know is buried deep inside everyone's hearts, which never show any sign of manifestation in my "little scientist" eyes as I see them existing and standing breathlessly through many bright screens. An unconscious degradation influence that I know is highly capable of lowering resilience, which has also been able to alter the stale tension that is being experienced by my "little scientist".
I feel depressed to see every ember of raw talent that is shown by my "little scientist" being stripped away for something that only depends on luck and generational influence, despite it being known to only have power in facilitating income and external things. I feel tired to see...how an act like this is able to have popularity in my guardian's minds for decades, even if the heat that is being emitted is only there to discover and destroy.
On the other side of a tantrum, speaking of having the firstborn responsibilities, not only that I feel bad for not being able to find a stable job to sustain certain liberty, sometimes...I also feel bad for not being able to see myself expand the unpleasant childhood experience that needs to be echoed earlier. Although...it doesn't affect the way I function as adulthood struck me with its reality, it is surely capable of delivering thoughts that loop around what my "little scientist" might think as they experience the same process of ingestion.
Almost every words and phrase that came out of my guardian's mouth are about manipulation, stupidity, and inner shredding from their past, which somehow has reached a point where it has allowed them to rob and utilize the youth of my "little scientist" as an essence to validate personal temper and many confluence of ego. It has made them capable of creating incantations that can turn the ironic situation they have caused into a ratio and quality that needs to be searched and fulfilled by my "little scientist".
As a result, I never expected to see...my "little scientist" willing to lock their charisma, just to obey the boiling point and the contrast that doesn't belong to them, which is another broken aspect that I never know whether it was done intentionally or not as my guardians lure them into doing such act. At the same time, this particularity alone has managed to convince me that we are indeed a species that is capable of doing many invisible devilish things, especially...when shrinkage is starting to collapse the reality we tried to echo.
What makes the situation dramatically infuriating to conquer is...there's always a desire from my guardians to be able to see my "little scientist" capable of helping and comforting themselves, despite there being an act of blocking the outer mind that has been disturbing their mind since the beginning of birth. It has made my "little scientist" continuously yearning for self-duplication and the ability to master small talk in order to avoid insults and suffocations that have been thrown.
I wonder...what makes my guardians think there's a future awaits behind this type of stimulation?. What makes them think there is a sympathetic electrical connection behind the atmosphere that is capable of deterring the mental grip?. What makes them confident to believe that my "little scientist" could grow into a strong engine of hope from being nurtured and revived by the experience of constant cutting?. These are a flock of questions, which I don't understand why not being handled sensibly during the days when my "little scientist" started to exhibit unnecessary isolation and many other jamming fractions.
The more sane standards being shown, the more suppressive fire needs to be dealt and the more the truth is mentioned in an argument, the deeper my "little scientist" needs to bury the insolence. It's the only summary and activity that my "little scientist" know as they grow until now, which is an ominous occurrence that I hope is not being worsened and enslaved continuously by my guardian's appetite in maintaining their reputation. An occurrence, which sometimes I hope able to gain a little bit of magnitude and audience if my "little scientist" happens to exhibit harsh mechanisms accidentally.