*Trigger warning:Self harm
Lia.
I don't know how did I cross the distance between us fighting the nausea that hit me at the sight.But somehow I held his wrist in a tight grip,his body cold and shaking.
"Ez-Ezron"I whispered the only word running in my mind.He turned his gaze at me,eyes red with rage and pain.I can feel my heart tighten dreading to question him but I stop myself and glance at his arms filled with fresh scars and he-he also opened his old wound.Did he scratch those?Oh god.Teardrop from my widened eyes fell on his wound as my gaze travelled on the sharp blade tighten in his hands dripping with bl-blood.His blood.His pain.His agony.
Somehow through my blurry vision I look back at his drunk grey eyes.His form tilted and imbalanced.He glared at me as if I have came between him and his goal.His goal to harm himself.Scar himself and-and punish him because that's what he is been doing.
"Leave"the raspy voice whispered with hardened words and glare.
I shook my head in a no and tightened my grip on his wrist near his chest,the blade hovering over his chest.My focus only on the blade.I need to be careful.
"Do-don't do this,yo-your blood..."And as I try to form words,I step closer holding his gaze.Slowly but discreetly some how my trembling hands took the blade and immediately threw it across the floor.
His eyes snapped back to it and then at me.
In a swift moment my body was trapped between the counter and him in his painful hold as I shut my eyes tightly but as his hand tighten on my hand twisted at my back I open my eyes and can't help the loud gasp at his chest.
Fresh wound with blood dripping from there like trail but thats not what caught my attention,what shocked me are the words he has carved.I could feel actual physical pain and if possible more tears flowed down my cheeks.My head heavy with all the scenarios of how he did this.
"W-why would you do this?"I ask looking up at him.Why would he try to carve this word,torture himself.
His face still red.
"You should fucking leave before I hurt you too"He yelled on my face glaring into my eyes"Go away."
"I-I can't leave you"Not now,this man thinks he will hurt me.I've been hurt before but nothing could compare the pain I feel watching him do this.
Suddenly he pushed away as his bloodied fist clenched and he stood taking heavy breaths.Then looked up with a different unrecognizable look in his eyes that could send shiver down a devil's spine.
"Ok then watch what a beast I am because he needs blood,either mine or someone else."His haunting words resounded like a nightmare in my ears.Wh-what?
But my insticts kicked in as his half naked body reached for the blade.I took up the energy to hold his forearm,my own hand smeared with his blood and turn him to face me.
"No.No don't do this Ezron.You are hurting yourself"I pleaded with my eyes.
"And I fucking deserve it.I deserve more than this pain."He yelled stepping closer,his breath near my ears as he whispered the next dreadful words"I deserve death"
I feel my eyes widened and body numb at the words.The darkness in those words scaring me for the first time.No
one should have such thoughts.For the first time I could see the depth of darkness in him.
He moved back with a sinister smile,his word almost seemed true.But he will not hurt himself.No I won't allow that.
Not allow him to drown in the pit of those darkness.No.
As I came back from my thoughts,I looked around and found him stumbling on his steps almost slipping at the alcohol spilled on the floor.He sat on the edge of the bath tub only in his boxers and is that blood on his thigh?Oh no.Did he cut himself there too?I stepped closer to inspect it carefully but suddenly he started scratching the wound on his arm with his nail as if expanding it,opening up.
I rushed to him and held his shoulder,
he didn't stop.
"Ezron"I softly whispered,no reply.
"Ezron"A little louder as I glanced at his hand still scratching the wound frantically.But when his nail peeled the little skin off I couldn't contain the yell.
"EZRON"He looked up at me as if pulled out of trance.It's as if someone stabbed me with thousands of poisonous pins when his bloodshot eyes brim with tears,yes teary eyes looked up at me.
I shook my head,pressing my lips together to not let out a loud sob.His look so innocent filled with agony.Why so much pain?
I reached for his hand interlacing it with mine,not caring about the blood getting on.At this moment nothing matters more than him.He still stared at me as if waiting for something.
I stepped closer between his parted legs.I looked down as his head still reached my chest.His hair falling near his eyes in a mess,a little blood smeared on it as if ran his fingers million times through it.What has he done to himself?
I pushed back his hair with my free hands,trying to untangle it under his drunken gaze.For few seconds there was silence befor I chose my next words.
"Life and death is not our decision.It is destined.But what we can decide is how we lead this life.How we treat ourselves because at the end its just you with yourself"I swiped my thumb as a tear slipped down his precious eyes.
Suddenly he pushed away and stood up.His torso had blood smeared from the cut on his chest,from those words.
Its as if someone painted him red.
He looked up at me as if in a deep thought but in a flash his angry eyes again took on the face.His face filled with rage along with his words.
"And I am treating how I deserve to be,
treated.Pain is all I deserve.Death is all I deserve but I didn't get one he did.He fucking did and why,because of me.
Its all my fucking fault,so I fucking deserve this"He yelled loudly standing 2 feets away as I stood there freeze.Who is he?
"But I guess,I am not destined to death right now because that would be too easy right.I deserve this slow pain,to die everyday with this burden for what I did to him."His eyes held rage for himself.What sin did he do?
"What did you do to him?"I asked amidst the chaos.I need to know what crime is he punishing himself for.
He took a drunken steps towards.
Suddenly he seemed too big to me.He stood few inches away from me bending at my eye level.
"I killed him"W-what?He k-killed.I staggered back as he whispered those words lowly and slowly.
He turned around facing away from ne,laughing maniacally.
"I fucking killed him.That man was right,it is all my fault and I'll bring death to everyone close to me."He spoke out aloud more to himself but every word seemed unheard as my mind revolved around his earlier sentence.Who did he kill ?Is it true?No no my Ezron cannot do that.
"Who?"He didn't respond.
"L-Lucas?"I dared and by the way his body tense I was right as he swiftly turned around striding at me and pulled me closer by the shoulder.I trembled.
"How do you know?"It is Lucas,his best bestfriend.Oh god what tragedy is this.
His hand tightened as I replied.
"You once whispered in your sleep"It is true he did and also I had seen on those papers.
He opened his mouth to yell but closed it and pushed himself away as if he would burn me.
"You should stay away."He shouted as he held the counter behind him for balance"Far away from me before I destroy you too.Devil lives here"He hits his head with his fist"He will snatch everything I am close to"He turned around,his back at me breathing heavily.He is talking about the demons inside him but don't we all have.
I stepped towards him and hugged his back enclosing my arms around his bare torso to let him feel the warmth.
His back tense at the touch but soon his shoulder slumped.
"He cannot snatch me away from you b-but he can snatch you away from me if you let that darkness drown you"I speak my mind out.
He chuckled amusingly before turning around in my hold.His drunken gaze soften for the first time as I looked up.He seems to show more emotion when drunk.
"You must think I am pathetic"His hands come to rest on my waist,the reflection of his back on the mirror but my focus more on his beautiful face.
"No you are human"It is not wrong to feel,it is a part of human nature to feel.
He chuckled sarcastically at my words.
"I am far from human."I shook my head negative staring onto his face,
memorizing the curve of his nose,his lips,his eyebrows.
Suddenly his hands come up to my cheeks rubbing it as I lean closer in his hold closing my eyes.
"He will hurt you babygirl"I could feel myself smile a little at the endearment.
He is afraid for me.
I opened my eyes staring in that softened grey irises.I placed my hand on his.
"Befriend your mind and see the wonder it does"It is all in our mind and if we treat our mind as our enemy nothing would feel right but befriending it will make us feel positive and certain of every step we take,there is no big wonder in the world than our mind.
I held his hand took him near the empty bath tub.He needs to clean up.
Atleast his temper has faded for now.I turned on the tap to let the water fill and brought out the wet cloth standing near him.Dabbing at every wound on his arm felt like it was mine.He didn't even hissed just stared blankly at me.
I made him sit in the tub so he could relax.I need to bandage those wounds too.I sat on the edge of the tub as he rested his head back closing his eyes.I carefully wet his hair and squeeze out the shampoo massaging on his dense hair.When I was done with his hair he opened up his eyes looking at me with unreadable eyes.
I washed his body and he let me.He let me do it without any resistance.This beautiful man is letting me take care of him.As he stood up to come out of the tub,now sober I immediately brought a dry towel and boxer to wear.He can't wear sweats with that thigh cut.God it is painful.
I dry him and hand him over his boxer staring up at him.His sober eyes now have million of questions.
I walked out of the bathroom and readied the first aid.Its the first time I am feeling such way,I never thought I could connect with someone so much through pain.His agony seems mine,his pain seems mine.Is this what love is?
I know I like Ezron,who wouldn't.But love,maybe I am falling for him.He is no perfect man,far from perfect but enough to flutter my heart.
A shadow loomed above me and my eyes travelled up the muscled abs to the scarred but strong chest to his face staring at me.I immediately shifted and gestured him to sit beside me.He gazed at me curiously,gone was the rage in his
eyes but the scowl still in tact.However he obliged and sat beside me.I took out the disinfectant and pour it into the cotton ball.Taking his arms in mine,I glanced up at him,his eyes on my every move.
"This might hurt a bit"I warned before dabbing it on the wound,I looked up to gauge his expression but all I got was blank expression.
I continued dabbing and applied the healing cream.I bandaged the large wound near his elbow.As I neared his muscled thigh wound my heart constricted at the long line he has carved.Did it not pain him to do this?I could physically feel the pain of it.With trembling hands I neared it to dab but his hand stop me as I glanced at him.He shook his head telling me to not do this but I know I have to.I smiled a bit and shaked off his hand lightly.I applied the cream after cleaning it up.Now his chest.
I looked up and moved a little closer to him,our thighs almost touching.His eyes stared into mine intensely.
"I need to apply this on your chest"He understood my words and leaned a little closer as I did too.I held his shoulder for support and leaned a bit closer.Closer to his heart.As soon as I dabbed the disinfectant,he let out a low hiss.Shit!
Did I pressed it too hard?I glanced up.
"Sorry"I apologized worriedly and blew out on his wound lightly,he shivered a bit.As I cleaned it,each alphabet now seemed clear to me and I felt as if every word left a bitter thought in my mind and I couldn't control my question nor my tears threatening to fall.
"Why?"I still continued dabbing on it and blowing on the words he carve.
FAIL
Yes that's what he has carved.Why?What has he failed at?There was a slight line as if he was going to continue but I came in and stopped.
His breathing came out a bit shallow above me but he spoke the next words.
"Because I am a failure"God,why does he thinks so low about himself.No one is a failure but a learner,our mistakes are not our failure but a lesson to learn from.
I smiled a bit looking up at him after applying the cream and bandaging on the words wishing to vanish it away.
He stared into my boring green eyes searching for something.I reached my hand out tracing his jaw line holding his gaze.
"No you are not.You are a failure when you don't try to live this life.When you don't try to pass through this obstacles.
There will be ups and downs but you there is light at the end of the tunnel and you have to believe it."I whispered the words through experience.
He looked at me taking in my words and moved away.I sighed and went to keep the kit back.The bathroom is a mess,there are blood stains on the floor and near the tub too,alcohol spilled on the floor.I put my hair up in a bun and start washing away all the stains and clean up the bathroom.Soon I was done with the work and showered.I couldn't help thinking about the scenarios if I wouldn't have reached and shuddered at the thought.He has been through a lot.Did he tell truth?Why would he say he killed Lucas,earlier my conversation with Chiara flashed my mind.It is better if I tell Ezron about it later.If Lucas was his best friend,why would he claim to kill him.Something is wrong but I need to focus on Ezron's health first.I have to talk to the doctor about this.
I came to bed and found him asleep with his back facing me.Is he already asleep?I slipped onto my side facing him and the way his back tensed,I knew he was awake.
After few seconds of silence he turned around facing me,he placed his palm at the back of my hand lying on the bed holding it tight,as if it is going to slip away.
"I am tired"his grey eyes suddenly seems to darken with a different emotion,an expression of tiredness took over his face,he looked older than his age.I know what his word meant,he is not tired for the day.He is tired of struggling alone.
"I am with you"I whispered only for him to hear and the moon to witness.
I'll always be with you.
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Happy Reading.Please vote and comment.
So this was a very heavy and dark chapter.
Also I am no way promoting self harm or suicidal thoughts of any kind because that's not how you cope up with your problems.It is a part of Ezron's character here.
Ps.Next chapter is Ezron's POV. so its going to be a bit dark too.
Stay healthy
Stay safe
-Pihu☆