"Yall already know what it is its ya girl Yaya with my sister Nattie tuning in, we wanted to just chill and talk to you guys" I say to my live resting the phone in the tripod stand so that I didn't have to hold it and so that both Nattie and I were seen perfectly.
"I love you too" I say reading some of the comments, Nattie had her phone tuned into the live but had her volume all the way down so we could just see the comments since I didn't want to keep leaning over to read what was on my phone.
"We were thinking about making this a twice a week thing you know since we bored in the house and shit" Nattie said making me laugh because we truly were bored.
"How's mom life been?" I read a comment as I scrolled through "um mom life has been amazing, I love it" I say answering the question
"So I've actually been back in the studio so I'm hoping you guys can hear something soon fingers crossed" I answered another question
"Ya'll are gonna love the new songs! The shit is fire she's not holding back nothing" Nattie added in "I can't wait I be hype as hell being in the studio with her" she continued
"I can't wait to hear the heat" I read Kehlani's comment "Lani we gotta get in the studio together text me and we can def set something up" I say I was more than ready to get back in the game baby or not I was gonna make it work.
"Okay Ben and drake just entered the live" Nattie said out loud "hey guys" I waved "Ben where's the mixtape we waiting on it" I say trying to give him some promo "Ben went from a stylist, comedian to a rapper multitalented and I Stan"
Bendadonn: Mixtape on the way wait on it.... Coming soon
Champagnepapi: Ben on deh way up
We spoke a little more mostly about music I even had the fans ask us questions and I answered.
ChampagnePapi: Odell nuh deh home? Mans been silent
I read drakes comment laughing at how he was typing in Jamaican he truly did believe he was jamaican and no one could tell him otherwise. Even I couldn't I told him once that his fake accent was throwing me off and he proceeded to curse me out.
"He's out with Jamal, they're having a boys day they should be back soon though" I say to answer all the questions I had previously ignored asking me where Odell was.
BrittneyElena: Miss yall
"Miss ya too Brit you should come visit when you get the chance" I didn't have an issue with Brittney in fact I like Brittney I just didn't fancy the company she surrounded herself with.
Karrueche: Where's my baby?
Karrueche: Put Zay in the camera that's who I really came on here to see
"Well damn Kae I'm doing good, my day was fine" my tone was laced with sarcasm "She said fuck yall where the baby" Nattie couldn't help but joke and laugh
Champganepapi: I gotta bring Donny to come meet Lil man
Bendadonn: I know Zay gotta be tired of yall faces
"Xavier's sleeping he should be up soon for feeding though in like 30 minutes" I checked the time seeing when he would be hungry "Yes! Bring donny and his cute self" truth be told i've never Met Adonis but i've seen multiple pictures from Drake and he was the most adorable thing ever.
"What y'all doing" a voice appeared out of nowhere Looking behind us I spotted Odell and Mally who just came back from their fun-filled day.
"We're on live" Nattie answered opening her arms for Mally to give her a hug. "Did you guys have fun?" I ask not really caring for a passionate greeting. Odell and I haven't really been on the same page since his comment a couple days ago, he hasn't apologized and I haven't cared to address it instead we've been tip toeing around and speaking only on small things like we didn't joke around anymore and that kinda hurts.
"Yeah I took him to practice played some ball then went to Dave and busters" I nodded as I listened to him list the things they had done "Mally you gotta be tired" there was no way he wasn't a nap was needed.
"Nah I'm energized we're gonna walk the dogs!" He was pumped up I know he loved being around Odell I've noticed there bond as gotten closer when Marcel came out the picture.
BenDadonn: What's Yo Mally!
Bendadonn: my boy got that Vlone on fresh as hell
I read Ben's comment "Ben said hi Mally" I say reaching for him to come to the camera "where you get this from" I motioned to the shirt he was wearing which in fact was Vlone.
"What's good Ben where you at?" He spoke freely to the camera "Ben gave me like two Vlone shirts so I can stay fresh" he added in brushing off the spot on his shirt that I touched.
"Boy bye" I waved him off at the gesture. It was cute though I didn't know Ben was over here buying him things.
"Ben can't afford no Vlone" Odell joked wrapping his arms around me as he came into the camera's view.
Bendadonn: you right I used your money
I let out a laugh at Ben's comment "aye chill that's my money too" I joked I bet people were really gonna think he did use O's money.
"Don't let him fool you he used his allowance money" the two went back and forth for a couple more minutes before Drake joined in after a few more minutes we called it a night and ended the live just in time for Zay to wake up for feeding.
"You got him?" O asked as I made my way to a crying Zay "yeah he's hungry" I say slightly annoyed because he most definitely saw me get up to go to Zay so his question was dumb.
"Can't believe he's gonna be four months soon" I pout looking at my baby, I felt like he was growing everyday and the days were going by so fast I still feel like I just had him the other day.
Picking him up I sat on the couch while he fed off my chest, his tiny hand laid on my breast as he closed his eyes from enjoyment.
"I still can't believe you're a mom" Nattie sat next to me "I know who would have thought" it was still surreal for me I had a whole human being to look after for a lifetime.
"Well you was out here fucking what else you expect" she ruined the moment "see past tense was" I emphasized showing how irritated I was that sex wasn't something that happened nearly as much.
"Aww you'll be okay if I'm surviving you can too" she tried to encourage only to gain a frown from me "we are not the same" I stated as a matter of fact.
"What y'all want for dinner" Odell appeared and annoyance took over which made me feel bad because he didn't do anything... today at least
"I'm fine with whatever" I say with a shrug "you cooking?" Nattie asked shocked.
"Yeah figures might as well do something useful today" he glances over at me and I held my stare looking him over seeing he had a black rick and Morty shirt on with some sweats.
"Let me know if you need help making something" I say now for some reason having the urge to be near him. It then clicked maybe this anger was all built up sexual frustration I felt like if we got it out then maybe we could sit down and think clearly.
"Yeah ima need help you know ion know how to cook like you" the energy I was giving he was giving back his stare was actually super intense but still I didn't look away.
"Alrighty when he's done eating ima come help" I motioned to Zay who I could tell was almost full by the way he took long breaks "Aight bet" he says before retreating back to the kitchen
" When y'all fucking tonight make sure you don't wake up my son or my nephew" Nattie spoke up making me roll my eyes "Goodbyee"
Once Zay was done feeding I made sure he burped before handing him to his auntie so I could get into the kitchen. When I entered O was seasoning the meat and had vegetables and potatoes on the counter.
" this look good?" He asked showing the meat I nodded looking it over "yeah it looks good" I assured him, helping him with the vegetables.
Once we were done with dinner we all sat at the table and ate holding a conversation "see that's the thing society expects so much out of a person, they act is if they own you" Odell gave his two cents on the topic. We were currently talking about the way the media and the outside world viewed us.
"Because we're in the public eye they believe its a rule for them to know any and everything about your life" I say "see thats the thing with both of you guys though I think Odell is more of the closed off type doesn't really feed into social media could care less to address certain things but then Yaya you're the opposite" Nattie gave her two cents drawing both Odell and I in.
"Alright so like Naya you dont really care either but youre more open with your fans like you interact and share information with them, if shit pops off youre not one to old back and you dont care who's in the way" I shrugged not letting her know she was somewhat right.
"I don't feel the need to share my personal life other than what I choose to post yuh know like ya'll know me for football and it should be nothing more than that" I nodded listening to the conversation. "I understand for you it might be different because the relationship with your fans ultimately helps your career and dont get me wrong I love the people supporting me but theres a line on how much you allow them into your life"
The conversation carried on for another half an hour before we took it to the living room, Mally was in the basement playing while the adults stayed upstairs.
"Oh I forgot I gotta fly out to Cali Friday, Ben is having a comedy show so me and the boys were gonna go support" Odell revealed last minute as if this was a last minute trip but I knew it wasn't instead of causing a fuss I nodded my head letting him know I heard him.
When it was time for bed we all retreated upstairs getting ready for bed, while I brushed my teeth and washed my face Odell changed and fed Xavier when I was done then we switched off so that I was burping the baby and he was brushing his teeth.
"So I've been thinking and I think we should go on a mini trip" O came into the room in his boxers and no shirt "where to?" I was down for a trip I loved exploring and relaxing "I dont know anywhere I just feel like shit's been different and maybe that would help us get back on track" he says sitting on the bed, I could tell we were about to have a serious conversation and I don't know if it was something I prepared myself for.
"A trip would help but I dont think it would fix the issues we have" I say not looking at him but instead giving my attention to Zay. "Im not saying it would fix everything but its a start" he retorted leaning over on the bed to take Zay from me.
"It's only gonna be a start if we acknowledge what the problem is" I wasn't trying to be difficult I just needed him to know I was all for a trip but we needed to work on us first in the process. "Okay so what's our issue?" I didn't like his tone I could tell he was getting annoyed.
"You tell me I've been voicing my issue but clearly you don't hear them so what do you think went wrong?" he never said how he felt so today would be a good time to hear him out
"I just think somewhere between the past three months we lost communication I dont know why somewhere in my head I thought a baby would have brought us closer but all it did was shift it" he spoke while I tried not to intervene and let him talk "I'm not saying us having Zay is tearing us apart because baby boy is a blessing I'm just saying somewhere between that we just lost sight"
"For me I think between being pregnant and having my point of view on things change, my body changed, my hormones aren't the same and I don't feel the same. For me it was needing you to acknowledge that to uplift and encourage me while I tried to get back to myself and I don't think you took note of it to you it just seemed like oh okay she had a baby she'll go back to normal soon" I voiced my feelings once more. I could give him his little credit in the beginning he was attentive but it was like once he realized it would take longer he just stopped caring a bit.
"It's not that I ain't notice I just didn't know what to do to help anymore" he tried to save face "I told you multiple times how I felt, went to therapy told you about that but still you never really took initiative to help"
"Personally I'm exhausted with repeating myself and I feel like you're insensitive to it all and don't know how to own up to when you do something wrong" he didn't like the words I was saying it was clear the way he didn't want to make eye contact with me and had his body slightly turned away from me.
"Insensitive?" He played with the word as if I had stuttered "yes insensitive as in you say hurtful shit and then when I catch it you try to make it seem like I'm crazy for thinking that's what you said" I say referring to the studio argument we recently had about Luke.
"Okay" was all he said nodding "and then you shut down" I roll my eyes knowing the conversation was now over and was pointless.
"I'm not shutting down I'm taking in what you said"
"I've been saying the same thing for months now how much longer do you need to retain what I say?" I was already annoyed and actually wanted to be nowhere near him at the moment but I knew our guest bedrooms were occupied with Mally and Nattie and the only other was Ben's room and that was his private space.
Instead of saying anything, he sighed getting up to place Zay in his crib "I'll be back" he mumbled walking out of the room closing the door behind him. After a couple minutes I heard the front door close letting me know he had left I'm assuming it was to clear his head at Jarvis's place.
Turning the lights off I laid down in bed thinking of all the ways we could possibly try to fix us, I didn't want to fight I just wanted to be heard and cared about. I wanted us to be okay, I needed us to be okay and for that reason I waited up. I needed for him to know we were gonna fight for us as long as he thought it was worth it. I needed him to know that so he didn't think I gave up on him just because I was feeling some way right now.
To:Dell 💜
I don't want you to feel like I'm giving up on us because that's far from how I feel.
We'll figure it out
I needed to tell him all of this in person but that didn't happen. Odell never came home and instead, I fell asleep to an empty bed once again feeling alone.
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seems like things bouta take a real turn hopefully they can work it all out