So, as a lot of you know, I've been mentally and verbally abused by my bitch of a stepmother for the past 5/6 years. She is the main reason I hate myself. She is the reason I now only see my father every other weekend, rather than half a week, every week, as I used to. Welp, the bitch gave birth to my 10 week old baby sister, who I love more than life itself.
The good news is: MY FATHER HAS FINALLY SEEN SENSE AND IS LEAVING MY EVIL STEPMOTHER!!!
The bad news is: unless the bitch gives us permission, my father and I will never see my 7 year old stepbrother again, because neither of us are related to him by blood. More bad news is...I wont see my baby sister for months because arrangements have to be made between my father and stepmother etc.
In other news, my mood is getting worse. I feel like complete shit almost constantly, which is why I havent been updating very often as of late, because the stuff I'd end up writing would be heartbreaking or just really sad, and I want you guys to smile and laugh at me, not worry over me. Im ok. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. Since last summer, I had been counting down the days until I was due to see sws. I was counting down from around 280 days I think, and writing down the number of days on the inside of my wrist. That number, as it got smaller, kept me going. It made me so happy, just to think about the fact it was only 150, then 100, then 50, then only 10 days until I'd be in the same room as the men that have saved my life so many times. The concert was the best night of my existence, nothing can beat it. (I poked their tour bus btw and when I walked past it the next day it had crashed into a lamp post. I accidentally cursed it. Im 100% sure that the guys got drunk and one of them, probably Gabe, convinced himself he could drive a bus, then reversed into a lamp post. Nobody was injured as far as I know, and when I walked past it nobody was inside cuz they'd already moved onto the next tour date. But yeah.) Now though, I dont know what to do with myself. I have no concert to look forward to, no number on my wrist to keep me going. Sws are coming to London in August for one show only, and after that Kellin said they wont be touring here for another 2 fucking years. I couldnt get tickets to the London date in August. Im basically fucked and not by Kellin so thats sad. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. The hatred I have for myself is growing. My thoughts about the world being better off without me are getting louder. Im more anxious every day. Im so on edge. I feel so alone.
Im a lonely, hopeless, worthless, self-loathing, stupid, ugly, lost fuck up.