Hunter's POV
Today marked sixty days sober.
Sixty long days full of blood, sweat, tears and a battle I never even desired to fight three months ago.
Today also marked fifty-four days in Barcelona, fifty-nine days since I'd last heard Jill's voice and sixty-one days since I'd last been in the warmth of her arms.
If I was being honest, at some point I couldn't quite remember her laugh anymore. At some point along the way, I seemed to have forgotten how a smile lined her lips or how her words had filled my days, weeks and months. At some point, it became easier to get out of bed and look out at this city, whilst knowing she was in a different one. At some point after fighting and fighting, I learnt to be okay. Though I was still learning how to be okay without her.
I still had days where the skies felt lower and every step required motivation I struggled to find, but I wasn't drowning anymore. I wasn't drowning myself in spirits or the memories of our past because as time moved on, my head cleared ready for new memories to be made. I'd never imagined a life after Jill, but slowly, I was learning to live one.
So, if someone asked how I was doing, I could honestly reply and say that I was alright - maybe even slightly better than alright.
But if someone was to ask me if I'd change how things had ended and the way my war had engulfed us both, I would. I would change it a thousand times over until things were put right in every universe because I still believed that Jill and I had been one of the only perfect things I'd ever stumbled upon.
But I was doing better now... I was even happy some days.
Honestly, I was.
Though I'd always love her. Always. I was still hoping that it would be her and I in the end. I knew we were over, but for some reason I couldn't convince my heart of that fact. It was almost easier to let a fraction of my mind believe in the possibility.
Some people searched their whole lives to find what I'd found in Jill, but I hadn't even been looking when I saw her for who she truly was. Everything. My everything. Truth be told, I had even tried to turn a blind eye when I saw that first spark, but how could I have ever turned my back on something so terribly magnificent?
I now asked myself every day how I'd managed to loose the one person who'd ever seen both the worst and best parts of my soul that I'd stripped naked for her to hold. Jill had held my soul in her bare hands, seen its' wounds and scars, yet she'd still somehow loved me with the purest intentions and a smile I wished I could've never forgotten.
I hadn't spoken to her since I left England. She hadn't even spoken to me when I was still in England and I didn't blame her for that. I could never be angry at her. Never. But sometimes when the phone rang or a message delivered to my phone, I'd hope that notification might be from her. I hoped she might check in or send a simple update, but it never happened. I never heard from her.
Time was moving on. Life hadn't stopped. Things were happening all around me and the past wasn't something I had the option to live, so I either had to choose between throwing myself into this new life or sitting in the confines of Alexia's apartment forever and dwelling over the life I could've had if my demons had never revealed themselves.
And I'd chosen to live again. To try. So far, I'd begun training with the Barca squad for two days of the week and I tried keeping active for all of the other days. The girls had been amazing and I was begining to find myself to feel comfortable in the city I'd spent my youngest years in. I was back with my closest friends and evenings consisted of dinner and cards games followed by watching a match on the TV or sitting on the balcony and looking over the city with Alexia.
I'd never felt closer to my sister. I'd never looked at her before and realized quite how incredible she was, quite how proud of her I'd always been. Every night Alexia told me how we'd always be sisters in every world, in every lifetime, in every universe. She told me this to prove I'd never be alone, to show me that despite all the bad, I'd always have her on my side. I agreed that in every universe we'd be sisters, but I wanted my sister in this lifetime just as much as the rest. I wanted to focus on this lifetime and get a little bit better everyday, everyday I wanted to smile a little more often for Alexia.
Everyday I wanted to become more grateful for Nana.
Everyday I wanted to laugh a little harder for Ona.
Everyday I wanted to have a little more energy for Mapi.
Everyday I wanted to become more focused for Leah.
Everyday I wanted to live a little more for myself.
Everyday I wanted to improve my life just a tad. I wanted to do it for her.
If I could do that, it would prove that all the pain was worth it. If I could do that for her, I hoped one day she might see that I was sorry for all the pain I'd put her through and that I'd become a better person. I'd become a better person for all that were still in my life, and all that I'd lost in the process.
"Really though," Leah took a moment, "You do seem better Hunts. You seem happy."
The WSL had ended last night and Leah had jumped on the first plane to Barcelona to visit me. I hadn't seen her since late autumn and everything had changed since that day in my old house, most of it had evolved for the better though there were many aspects of my old life which I missed.
I'd taken her to lunch at my new favorite restaraunt which served everything I knew Leah would love, it was an intimate little space with olive trees and those slightly textured walls. It was a homely place, owned by the sort of family which remembered their every customer but secretly favored their regulars in the least quiet ways possible.
"Yeah," I breathed, feeling a smile on my lips though still, there was this sadness in my eyes. I never could quite figure out if I'd find total peace again. "Things are looking up."
"I'm glad," Leah chuckled, almost as if she couldn't believe it.
I looked at Leah, truly looked at her, and remembered that I probably wouldn't be sat here today, sober and on the right path, if it hadn't been for her love and generosity. "Thankyou," I nodded, feeling my eyes turn hazy as the tears threatened to show.
Leah furrowed her eyebrows, "You don't need to-"
"Thankyou," I nodded once again, "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you."
Leah reached across the table and took my hand, giving me a warm smile yet her eyes were filled with memories which I could've guessed haunted her nights. "I'm really glad you're doing well."
"Me too," I assured her, feeling a question stuck in the rough of my throat that I was scared to ask, "How is she?" My voice was dry.
Leah didn't need to ask who I was talking about. She looked down to the table, knowing exactly the person I owed almost everything to, yet the silence which continued was one which made my heat drop. "I think she's on the road to doing better," Leah replied, a certain numbness covered her voice.
I gulped, "What do you mean?"
Leah looked up at me, her eyes fell into my own, "Jill had a hard time once you left, I think she felt lost at Arsenal and she turned very quiet, everyone was worried but no one quite knew what to do. Afterall, everyone was shocked when you left. But since she began talks with Wolfsburg, she's been a lot happier, I think the transfer will be good for her."
My mouth turned dry, the room almost spun, "She's leaving?" My question was almost just a whisper.
Leah chewed on the inside of her cheek, "It's for the best Hunts, she needs the change I think."
"Yeah?" I tried my best to fight the tears back.
I remembered how much Jill had loved Arsenal, I hated thinking I could've been the person to ruin that relationship as well. Jill had so many people that cared about her in North London, I feared for her moving to Germany, after all once she left England, there'd be nothing tying us together at all.
"The new manager, Jonas, hasn't been playing her often," Leah admitted, "And I think she needs the change for her career."
My lip quivered, "She doesn't hate me?"
Leah sighed, "She doesn't hate you. I don't think Jill could ever hate anyone. But I think your lives have taken different turns and I just hope that both of you end up happy in the future. And I think you both will, I really do."
Without each other. That's what Leah meant. She hoped both Jill and I would be happy in the future of our separate lives. Very separate lives.
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thoughts on this chapter?
I know everyone wants to see them reunite but they have to heal and I promise they will meet again! A good storyline is coming up!
also heartbroken about Jill's acl injury and wishing her the speediest and best recovery!
Though 30 days into the new year and there's already so many names on the acl list for 2024 - when will people see more research must be done?