TW: PTSD
Hunter's POV
back in the present
I quickly wiped the tears from my face, it felt foolish to cry over a story I'd replayed in my head so many times; it was an endless loop forever flashing through my memories. But somehow it never grew any easier to face, the emotions from that period were brought back and seemed just as raw as they'd been at the time.
My body ached, my hand digging into my ribs, into the spot that still burnt, the bones still felt slightly out of places in some sort of disarray. Though I couldn't have thought much else would happen when Alexia could do nothing to possibly convince me to see a doctor.
Jill hadn't said anything yet, nor had I even found the courage to look at her. My eyes had always felt comfortable falling back to the floor, I didn't want to see what emotion lay within the green of Jill's eyes because everything she felt was always so clearly painted into her expression.
She must hate me after that story though I knew Jill was far too kind a person to shout or to knock me down when I'd already fallen, she'd wait until later to tell me what she truly thought and knowing that terrified me.
Though I felt her fingers grip onto mine, looking up to our hands now intertwined on the mattress.
It meant something.
That's all I'd ever been searching for. I just wanted all of this agony to mean something because then there'd been a reason for every last tear, and that's what Jill had made happen. She'd walked into my life and suddenly everything meant something; even the tiniest things I'd have once neglected to notice now shined a little brighter. Like the feeling of Jill's hand in mine, it meant more than anything because I'd always remember the feeling of Maya's hand laying limply in my own.
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Jill's POV
I didn't know what to say.
It was the first time I truly felt my heart break for someone else. When Nana died I'd felt awful for Hunter, when the girls were being horrid I found myself to feel protective, but right now I was heart broken for the brunette who sat beside me, her eyes lowered to the bed as she quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks.
I was a talkative person, probably to the point that people got bored of the constant chatter, but right now I was left speechless.
I gently took Hunter's hand into my own, I didn't know if she'd cower away but instead her fingers gripped onto my own.
"It wasn't your fault," I whispered.
Hunter looked up to the ceiling, her eyes remained glassed over but she fought back the tears, "Then why does it feel like it is?"
"Because you love her," I said.
"But she'd still be here if it wasn't for me," Hunter reasoned, she still hadn't looked at me once.
I gently shook my head, "No, but she would have been alone in her final moments if it wasn't for you. You're the one who stood by her side until the end."
Hunter almost winced, the memories seemed like they could've been from yesterday seeing how rawly she'd recounted them. "I just question if I'd done one thing differently then maybe she'd still be here."
"You did everything you could liefje."
Hunter seemed to be in this place of self hatred, she didn't believe that anyone could truly love her after what she'd told me but I just wished she look at me and see the face of someone who was still, completely and utterly in love with her. After hearing her story, I only realized she was stronger than I'd ever known a person could be.
Hunter shook her head, speaking as if this had recently happened and she could still change things, "I could have done more."
"Look at me Hunter."
"I don't want to," She looked back to the floor.
"Why?" My words were quiet, I wouldn't push but I didn't believe she had an answer which was true.
"Because you hate me," Hunter's chest began to heave, loosing track of her breathing.
I furrowed my eyebrows, "I could never hate you," I told her softly.
"Don't pretend to still love me Jill," Hunter tore her hand from my own.
I feared she run, I feared she'd leave and never speak to me again because the idea of running always seemed so tempting to Hunter when things became difficult and I now understood why; she didn't want to get hurt again. I understood that but I always hoped she have come to learn that I'd never hurt her. Never.
"Can I tell you a story of my own?" I asked her, hoping to settle the girl from running.
Hunter hesitated, her eyes still set on the floor, "Sure," she muttered.
"You might be rather underwhelmed by it," I prepared her, "But I think it's important for you to know because then you might believe me when I say that I could never hate you."
I didn't get a response from Hunter, though I could tell she was listening.
"I didn't ever want to fall in love, in fact, I promised myself that I wouldn't; it felt like a distraction from everything I'd ever worked for, in sport, which would only end in flames," I began to tell her, "And my plan was going well, my skills on the pitch were improving but something was missing, like a little bit of the light was missing from everyday life and it became more and more difficult to ignore.
I blamed my team so I transferred, leaving the Netherlands and promising it was so I could improve even more.
That didn't make a difference, in fact life in Munich was even more difficult because I didn't have my family to distract me. But yet again, I blamed my team who I hadn't even given a chance to.
I made the move to England because I knew Viv and Danielle, those were friendships that wouldn't distract me from football so I knew I'd have friends from home and thought that was maybe what I'd been missing.
I hadn't even thought about falling in love, it was just something I'd promised never to do; it was written off as a distraction and I'd seen my friends' hearts being broken and honestly it scared me. But then I met this girl," I saw the tiniest smile take ahold of Hunter's lips, "But everyone told me to stay away and I considered it for an hour or two until I looked at her and she smiled. Not at me of course, she didn't even want to know my name," I chuckled. "But one single look, one single smile and the sound of her laugh and holy shit, I blew it."
It was a story I'd never even thought of telling before, but for some reason, sitting here with Hunter now, reminded me of when I first saw her. It was like a light had flickered on in my mind and I couldn't turn it off.
"And after that I honestly never looked back," I continued, a smile on my face, "I learnt that love was what I'd been missing for all those years and it wasn't a distraction, it didn't have to be scary. There have been times I was scared but still, I never regretted that one look because being with this girl is the happiest I've ever been." I looked at Hunter, "I may not have known you back then but I know you now and you're a good person, you love Maya and you did everything you could to save her, it isn't your fault. None of it is. And that is how I know I could never hate you Hunter, because you didn't have to do anything to get me to love you. In fact you probably tried to do a lot to warn me away but I've stayed and I'll always stay; never worry about me leaving you, because I love you too much to ever stay away."
Hunter looked up at me, she didn't know whether to smile or cry, I could see her lips trembling between the two emotions though neither broke free as she pulled me into a hug. I felt her face nuzzle into the side of my neck as I tightened my arms around her waist, feeling that calmness come over me as I felt her back in my arms but this time there was silence; no screams, no cries. But just silence.
"Thankyou for telling me everything," I whispered, knowing she'd installed the trust in me to know the truth.
"Thankyou for always loving me," She sighed.
I smiled and though there was still this sadness in my chest for Hunter, I was also beyond relieved that she'd come out the other side of it all. The girl had been through hell and was somehow able to keep moving forward. As I thought about it, I was lucky to even be holding her in my arms right now, I'd never take that feeling for granted because there was no one else in the world that I'd look at and smile for no reason other than being somehow blessed to know and love her.