Hello everyone!!
For this one-shot, it is going to be a bit deeper than normal and hopefully more detailed. For some reason, I realized a lot of people tend to not put as much detail on what anxiety can do to a person (especially since the numbers are only increasing and all) and I felt it was necessary to just include this chapter. Please remember everyone is different and this does not apply to everyone!
Also, I'm so sorry for all the angst lately! But I do hope you all enjoy this new one-shot!!
‼️ TW: Anxiety/Anxiety Attacks, Self-harm
(Natsu and Lucy are already dating)
For a while, actually, the blonde had been feeling quite anxious. The constant random pounding of her heart, ringing within her ears seemed to always be there and just by hearing it caused her chest to hurt. However, she pushed it to the side, assuming it would just pass like anything else.
The other day at the guild, the couple hanged out together with the team, seeing how they had decided to take a small break and relax. Well, Natsu seemingly didn't want to as he would attempt to pick a fight every five seconds and Lucy would have to calm him down to avoid from destroying the guild as they had just rebuilt it from the last battle.
Lucy couldn't pinpoint an exact moment, but it was somewhere along the lines of sudden yells and repetitive back-and-forth shouting. She was used to it. This happened on the daily. But for some reason, it caused her heart to jump and pound harder against her chest. It was such a sudden feeling and just hearing it's ring inside her ears, she could barely even catch her breath. It was almost as if she was trapped and pinned in a corner. Her breath was shortened and quick, and hearing her own breath made her even more anxious. So, as a result, she placed her hand on her chest and slowly got up, hoping that no one will see her get up as they all seemed so invested into the argument that of which her boyfriend was hysterically laughing at.
So, she got up to her feet and discreetly moved alongside the walls and up the guild stairs, taking small steps while panting, trying her hardest to catch her breath, however, it seemed no matter how hard she tried, her chest tightened and her lungs closed in on her. It was a burning-like sensation that seemed to be the most unlikely to scare her, but it certainly did. Her palms were sweating and she hadn't even noticed that her hands were shaking too. Especially the hand rested on her chest. Her breath was shaky as well and she hesitated to even catch her breath.
She glanced around nervously in the hallway she was now in.
No one seemed to be nearby.
She took this chance and rushed into the nearest closet and shut the door behind her. She kept the lights off and walked into the corner of the room that had a wall of supplies in front of it so she sat right behind it.
She then softly rested her head on the wall and tried to catch her breath once again but it just seemed to get worse and worse. It appeared that the more air she drew in, the tighter her chest was, the harder her heart pounded, and the more her lungs stung with burning air.
To help relieve the growing tension in her hands, she then resulted to rapidly shaking her hands, hoping it would wear off but instead, it seemed her uneasiness only grew. And eventually, it came to a point where she took off her left sleeve and attempted to even lightly scratch her arm back and forth to focus on the pain more then her own mental state. And with high hopes that it would work, she sat there, on the verge of tears, shaking in a cold corner.
~~
The glimpse of blonde hair in the corner of Natsu's hair caught his attention as he noticed his girlfriend ambling up the guild stairs. This was strange to him as normally, she would let him know where she was going. Even if it was just for water. So, of course, he grew curious and the argument happening before him was no longer his focus.
He steadily slipped away, hoping to not draw attention, and then discreetly walked alongside the guild walls and up the stairs.
He glanced around, seeing how no one was even in the halls. Realizing he couldn't find her now, he pouted. Normally she would tell him if she was leaving to go anywhere. And now, the worst flooded his thoughts. Maybe he had done something wrong. Maybe he had said the wrong thing perhaps? But if he did, he would've known. She would've said something, hopefully.
He shook his head. Now, he just has to worry about finding her because obviously, something happened.
He made his way down the hallway and eventually came across the first door he saw, and if he remembered correctly, this was the cleaning closet. He glanced around, seeing that the blonde was still not in sight and that she couldn't have gone any further as it was a long hallway and he would see her. He sighed, hoping she would be in this small room.
He slowly opened the door and was immediately met with darkness until a small light filled the room coming from the door way. He didn't see much due to the wall of supplies but behind it, he could see the tip of brown leather. One that especially looked like Lucy's boots.
He was about to say something, but that was interrupted when he heard small sniffling and mumbling due to his enhanced senses.
He quietly shut the door behind him and made sure no one was nearby and saw him enter the room. He slowly and quietly made his way around and what he saw, nearly had shattered his heart.
Before him, was the blonde sat with her knees to her chest, completely shaking in fear as tears pricked at the corner of her eyes.
He widened his eyes slightly and parted his lips, he squatted down to meet her height and placed a hand on her knee, to assure her that he was here. However, it seemed she barely even noticed he was there. No, she did notice. Her body was just in such a broken situation that even though Lucy noticed him, it didn't stop her from struggling.
The moment he placed his hand on her knee, it was almost as if her body rejected oxygen itself. Despite how weird that wording sounded, it felt just like it. Her lungs had felt as if they had closed up and that every time she would just simply breathe in, they would burn as much as they could and just progressively get worse. The best she could do for now was to take small breaths when in reality, she felt as if she needed so much more and just the mere thought of it caused her chest to pound harder than before.
"Hey Luce . . ." Natsu muttered, hoping to try and calm her down.
The only respond he got was her attempting to speak but to only come out in a difficult stutter. He didn't quite understand what she was trying to say, but before he could understand it, she gave up on wording it and eventually bursted out into tears that was accompanied by loud, shaky breathing and panting.
Natsu immediately took a seat to the right of her and wrapped an arm around her, heart broken at the sight of her. Tears streaming down her face nonstop and her struggle to breathe; everything about it was something he prayed wouldn't happen to her. But instead, it did. And just by looking at her, it didn't just seem like it breakdown. It appeared she was fighting to just breathe.
He glanced down to her right hand that was currently scratching her left arm harshly at a rapid pace. He even noticed it was beginning to form a red rash as blood started to seep out.
He softly grasped her right hand with his free hand and held it gently, slowly pulling it away from her arm while caressing the top of it with his thumb. He hugged her shoulders not too tight with his arm, but tight enough to give her a comforting feeling. And hopefully, this would all calm down soon enough. Natsu didn't exactly know how this all happened, but he was certainly willing to put her heart at ease. The distress in her face, her watery eyes, her scratched arm, and her shaking knees; all of it made Natsu want to completely destroy whoever did this but at the same time, a part of him empathized and even wanted to cry with her. But he knew he had to be strong. For her, that is.
For a while, the two of them sat there as loud yet quiet sobs filled the room as the blonde shook in place, hiccuping every minute or so as her lungs still felt narrow and tight. She eventually came to a point where she shut her eyes tight as the tears stung her eyes harshly and she just couldn't bare to keep them open any longer. Once again, her heart pounded against her ears and heart, much like a loud and strong bass. It was the fastest and loudest she's ever heard her heart and just by feeling it race against her chest increased the panic within her.
Fro now, Natsu considered it was best to keep quiet, allowing her to have her own moment and let out whatever she needed to let out. Despite how heart breaking it was, for the time being, he knew he couldn't do much.
She soon started to mutter once again, a stutter to only then come out as Natsu glanced at her, hoping to understand whatever she may say.
For a few minutes, Natsu sadly got nothing besides "I." But she kept trying to say more which only broke out into a harder sob. As a result, Natsu decided to use his left hand — from the arm wrapped around her — to softly caress her shoulder and try to relax her into speaking.
After several shaky breaths, she let out a heavy breath, "It hurts." She muttered.
Natsu furrowed a brow, "What hurts?" He softly said, barely whispering.
Lucy continued to try and catch her breath as she fought to make out a word through her anxious stutter. However, instead of a word, she jerked and ended up harshly punching her chest with her right hand which was snatched away from Natsu's grasp.
"Hey," Natsu uttered, grasping her hand back softly once again. "Your chest hurts?"
Lucy hesitated a nod as tears continued to race down her flushed cheeks.
"It's okay, it's okay," Natsu muttered, pulling her into a tender embrace. Natsu placed her head softly on his left shoulder as she wrapped her arms tightly, grasping the back of his shirt almost as if it was her lifeline.
For the next several minutes, the two sat there once again, relaxing into each other's embrace as another sob filled the silence of the room. Tears steamed down her cheeks and dripped down onto the cloth on his shoulder that was most likely soaked by now. As for Natsu, his thumb rubbed small circles onto her back to hopefully help ease her down.
Eventually, after what seemed to be about half an hour, the blonde remained quiet as she let the rest of her tears fall and drip down onto his shoulder. She hadn't even noticed until now that Natsu was slowly rocking the two of them back and forth in a subtle manner. Her heart still pounded against her chest as she hesitated to even part away from Natsu, not wanting to let go of his warmth.
However, he gently pulled away, only inches in front of each other.
He rose his thumb and wiped away a tear on her cheek, "Better?" He grinned warmly.
Lucy caught her breath as she sighed, "A little." She muttered. She then slowly glanced down to her left arm that was nearly covered in blood, some of it dried. She parted her lips at the sight realizing what damage she had done to herself.
Natsu reached above her and grabbed some bandages from the shelf. He then wrapped them around her arm, made sure it was secure, and then glanced around for her sleeve that was very much identical to his and helped her put it back on. Right after, he glanced up at her and placed a genuine kiss on her cheek. "Do you wanna talk about it?" He softly muttered.
Lucy wet her lips, "Maybe later tonight. I'm tired."
Natsu grinned warmly at her as they returned back to their initial position, except now, Lucy softly laid her head on Natsu's shoulder as he sat right next to her. And for the time being, the two sat there.
However, the moment was interrupted when Natsu glanced at the door and Lucy gazed up at him. "What happened?" She uttered.
"I can hear Mira." He stated. "I think she's going to grab something."
"Nat-Natsu—"
"It's okay. She probably won't take long either way." He held her closer as he glanced down at her face that was still stressed of anxiety as tears stained her cheeks and swelled up her eyes.
Lucy brought her knees closer to her chest as she sat closer to Natsu who wrapped an arm around her and held her hand quietly. With that, a cream of the door interrupted them as they saw Mira's shadow quickly enter. Thankfully, what she needed appeared to be in the front of the room as she grabbed it and immediately walked out, shutting the door behind her.
Natsu glanced down at the blonde, "That wasn't so bad." He grinned.
Lucy let out a airily chuckle as she then wiped her cheeks. "We should leave soon. We've probably been in here for over an hour. They're gonna start wondering where we went."
Natsu gazed at the blonde for a moment before replying, "Are you going to be okay?"
Lucy glanced back up at him, "I will be."
Natsu embraced her tightly yet gently as he rested his chin on the top of her head. He softly caressed her shoulders once again and let out a deep breath. "You scared me for a second back there." He uttered.
Lucy grinned sympathetically as she hugged him back, "Me too."
After a few more seconds, the dragon slayer slowly parted and stood up to his feet where he offered her his hand. And for a moment, the blonde hesitated to grab his hand. Not because she was afraid, but mainly because she felt safe where she was. She wanted to get up, but part of her felt so exhausted.
"Is everything okay?" Natsu questioned her, noticing how she stayed still.
Lucy slowly nodded as she glanced away, "Yeah." She took in a slow breath, "Just tired."
Natsu squatted down in front of her once again, softly holding her arms, careful to not hurt her. "We can go home if you want. We don't have to stay here. Whatever you need."
Lucy rested her eyes for a small moment, trying to take a minute for herself and calm down. She then opened her eyes up once again to only see the most calming eyes that was of Natsu. It appeared for once in his life, he was patient and incredibly loving. A side of him that she's never quite seen before. At least, not like this.
She grinned tenderly up at him as he didn't hesitate to return it. She softly took his hand in hers and then slowly got back up to her feet, still a bit dizzy as she was still recovering from her latest breakdown.
Meanwhile, Natsu kept his hand in hers, not wanting to let go as she agreed. However, she stopped him before he could open the door.
"What is it?" He glanced down at her.
"If we walk out like this and someone sees, they're gonna think we did it."
"It?"
"Yeah. . . " Lucy nodded slowly.
"Oh! You mean the dirty deed." Natsu snickered.
Lucy rolled her eyes, "Oh my God, just make sure no one is around."
Natsu chuckled, loving to tease her. He took a moment and used his enhanced hearing to listen for any footsteps or conversations. The moment he heard complete silence, he then opened the door and allowed the blonde to walk first in front of him. The moment she walked out, she let out a deep exhale and slowly caught her breath once again after being felt in a corner due to her anxiety.
Natsu softly patted her shoulder as she glanced up at him, "Are you okay?"
She nodded, "Yeah."
After that answer, Natsu took the chance and held her hand tighter as the two of them continued to walk down the empty hallway together, quietly yet peacefully. They casually walked through the guild, drawing not too much attention. The only attention they thankfully got was Mira, asking where they were and if they were leaving already. Natsu had responded that they wanted to discuss something about their future and that everything was good. Mira had nodded and showed a curious eye to the two, wondering what actually happened. But, she went along with it and watched the couple leave the guild.
~~
The same night, Lucy sat on their bed as she stared at the wall blankly. Currently, Natsu was finishing up his shower and they were planning to go to bed straight after wards. She sighed as she then came back into reality. Today really did take a lot of her. Her eyes are still sore and her arm still hurts to even touch. But reflecting back on the situation, doing what she did to her arm was surprisingly the most relieving part. After feeling like her body rejected air itself, the pain was a different type of focus and drew her back into reality. It distracted her anxiety, even for just a second. It was a feeling that kept her at ease and down to Earth. Not as much as Natsu did, but it was close.
She glanced around their room and saw a box cutter on top of her dresser due to Natsu struggling to open the boxes he brought in when he moved in. She parted her lips as she tugged at the ends of her long-sleeved sweatshirt, having the smallest urge to even feel a bit more.
She glanced at the bathroom door and figured, maybe she could slip a small cut in before he gets out. So, she slowly got up and made her way towards the blade. She gently rested her hand upon the handle, admiring it's shine, and—
"Hey Luce, what are ya doing?"
"N-Nothing." She immediately placed down the box cutter back onto the dresser after feeling her heart drop to her stomach.
"Every thing okay?"
"Yeah, yeah. How was your shower?"
"It was fine." Natsu sighed, "I'm sleepy. What were you doing?"
"Nothing, just reorganizing my dresser. Nothing important."
"Oh . . . Okay." Natsu uttered. "How are you?"
"I'm fine." She stated simply.
Natsu groaned as he then embraced her into a warm hug, taking in her relieving scent as she relaxed herself in his arms. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Lucy swallowed as she pondered on the question. Honestly, she had no idea if she wanted to talk about it or not. It was a situation where she wonders how it even happened and how she even managed to feel that way. It was a feeling that deeply scared her and will always be engraved in her memory and mind. But, she also knew talking about it would release a huge burden. Even if it only happened a few hours ago.
"It just happened. There was no given or exact moment. I just got caught off guard, and next thing I knew, I was huddled in the corner, gasping for air. I wish I could tell you what happened, but I really don't know." She uttered.
Natsu parted from the hug to where he was only inches away from her. A warm grin graced his lips, "Thanks for telling me."
Lucy couldn't help but return the same grin as her eyes already begun to stung with tears just by staring at the dragon slayer in front of her. "Thanks for being here." She replied as Natsu then pressed lips right upon her temple and embraced her once again. Only, this time he hugged her longer, appreciating the person he currently had in his arms.
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