Closer

55.

Eddy truly admired how kind Brett was, sometimes so kind it visibly hurt him. That's what caused him to pretend to love him, and the reason Eddy wasn't at all surprised when Brett said he was going to drive Leonora to the doctor the next morning.

"Will you be alright while I'm away?" Brett asked, sounding worried. Eddy had his eyes locked to the barely touched plate of rice and vegetables Brett hsd cooked for them. It tasted alright, but the thought of eating it made him feel sick.

"I'm not a child," Eddy mumbled, poking at a piece of carrot with his fork. "And I like to think I'm not dependent on you."

Brett sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"I know you're not," he said quietly, seeking eye contact with him. It didn't work. "But I know you're not in the best of moods lately, and seeing as it is my fault I want to make sure I'm not making it worse."

Eddy just snorted at the last comment, causing Brett to send him a questioning look. He shrugged and pushed his plate of food away before explaining.
"I brought this upon myself. You probably don't even remember this, because why would it matter to you? But the spin the bottle game we had in summer camp when we were kids? Where you kissed me?"

"I remember that. You left afterwards. Didn't notice until it was too late."

"I guess that's when I should have said no, at least," Eddy explained before busying himself with a tiny sip of water. Brett furrowed his brows, confused, but Eddy continued before he could ask.

"Cause it had been just a silly crush before then, you know?" he said, sounding almost bitter. "And yes, I've been pathetically in love with you since we were kids. It's just never been a problem before we started fucking."

Brett swallowed hard once Eddy's words left his mouth, and Eddy felt a knot tighten in his stomach.
"Not... not that I didn't want that, I just... I didn't think... I mean..." Eddy stuttered, trying to explain. Brett looked away, biting his lip hard as he tried to think of a response. Eddy saw what was forming in his head, and that's not what he had meant at all.

"Did... I mean, did you feel... did I force you?" Brett asked, getting all choked up. Eddy shook his head hard.

"No, no! Of course not!"

Brett didn't say anything, but Eddy could tell his words hadn't calmed him down at all. He panicked.

"Brett, I swear, you didn't make me. I wanted that, I... I guess I just felt so lucky you'd even consider being that close to me and... and... god, no, Brett you didn't force me! Please, please, please believe me, cause..."

"Do you feel lucky when I give you attention?" Brett asked, trapping Eddy with intense eye contact. Eddy felt a shiver travel down his spine from the intense look.

"I... yeah? I don't... I mean, I guess I do? I guess I don't get why you'd... I mean... Why would you even be friends with me?" The last part was weak, something he hadn't really put words on. Not even to himself. It hit him when he said it, but it seemed to hit Brett harder.

"Oh man," Brett whimpered, hiding his face in his hands. "God, Eddy, I'm so sorry."

Eddy blinked a few times, trying to understand what Brett had just said. He didn't understand why Brett was apologizing, and he got even more confused when Brett reached out and took his hand.

"Look, Eddy, I... I know I'm a sucky friend, okay? I... I've taken you for granted for all those years, and... I'm so sorry I have made you feel that way."

Eddy pulled his hand back slowly and shook his head. 
"You haven't done anything wrong, don't apologize. It's my fault for having this stupid crush. I'll try harder to make it go away, I promise, I just... I'm trying, okay?"

"I do actually love you, Eddy, I do actually want to kiss you. I wish I could hold you right now, I wish I could make all the hurt you're feeling because of me go away," Brett said, tearing up himself. "I know I've taken literally forever to realize it, and that I've probably messed up beyond return but..."

"Just stop, Brett. I'll get it sorted out so you don't have to worry about it anymore. I'm sorry I ever told you, it only made everything worse for you," Eddy sighed as he stood up. "You have enough to worry about as it is."

Brett sat frozen as Eddy walked out of the kitchen. He heard the bathroom door open and close, like it always did when Eddy wanted to be alone for a bit. A few minutes passed and he heard the shower run, like it did when Eddy wanted to cry without Brett hearing. It hurt.