Closer

47.

Living with Brett twenty-four seven was exhausting. Having to seem like he wasn't completely and utterly in love with his best friend was exhausting. Having to seem fine all the time was insane, and he felt so guilty about it. He just needed to pull himself together.

But living with Brett, sharing the bed and having dinner together every night should be the dream, shouldn't it?

It wasn't that he wanted Brett to go back home. He wouldn't dare to even think it, because that's not what he wanted at all. The closer to Brett, the better. He knew he wasn't good enough for Brett as anything else but a friend and maybe as a last resort for sexual relief, though. Eddy was fine with that. He had to be fine with that.

Eddy knew Brett was desperate when he suggested having sex again after almost a month of living together.

"Hey, Eddy?" he had asked over dinner one evening, and just his tone of voice made Eddy nervous. Brett looked nervous as well. "I completely get it if you don't want that, but... Uh... Maybe we could... Try going back to our deal? Just cause... Uh..."

His voice trailed off, and Eddy tried to seem like he was completely unaffected by the question. He wanted to be unaffected ny the question, but the truth was that the suggestion caused a billion butterflies to run wild in his stomach.

"I mean, sure, if... if you want that," Eddy responded, clearing his throat at the end. He couldn't help getting choked up, but he tried to hide it from Brett. Didn't want Brett to think he didn't want that, but keeping his voice steady was so difficult.

"I wouldn't ask if..." Brett began but trailed off. He saw the one tear running down his best friend's cheek despite Eddy trying his best to wipe it away before he noticed. His stomach made a tight knot. "But... You know we don't have to... I mean, if you don't actually want that..?"

Eddy shook his head quickly, not able to keep the floodgates anymore.
"No, no, I want that. I really really do, I just... I don't know, I just got emotional..." Eddy tried to desperately explain, wiping his tears as he spoke.

Brett licked his lower lip and put his chopsticks down. He moved his hand to Eddy's forearm, and Eddy froze except a tiny sob escaping his lips.
"Dude, I don't want to do anything you don't want to," he said softly, but Eddy just sighed, sniffed quietly and wiped the last few tears ofd his cheek.

"I know, but you've gotten it all wrong. I want that, I just thought you'd never ask."

Brett furrowed his brows, trying to make sense of what Eddy had said, but Eddy tried to explain before Brett could ask.

"Just cause... I've been missing that, and I wasn't sure if you wanted to go back to that after... after... I mean, I... I know I'm not her..."

"And thank fuck for that, geez," Brett added with a tiny smile. Eddy's cheeks turned a beautiful shade of pink. Brett felt a tiny flip in the bottom of his stomach at the sight, but he didn't dare to pay attention to it.

"Thank fuck that you're not her, Eddy," Brett repeated, still with his hand on Eddy's forearm. "Actually, there's nothing I'm more grateful for right now. Thank you."