Love

85:

Dress Millie wears to Charlie's funeral^^^
I wake up to my phone alarm at 8:00 am. I stretch and swing my feet over the side of the bed, but stop there. Today was going to be hard. I sigh and get up. I can't hear Ben snoring or in the kitchen, he must be still asleep and obviously a quiet sleeper. I creep out of my room quietly and go into the bathroom. I turn on the shower and slip out of my pyjamas. Then I get into the shower and let the hot water run over my skin, relaxing my muscles which are stiff from surfing. I take deep breaths as memories of Charlie flood into my mind. I shake them away. I can't cry now, I think, just save it for the funeral. I turn off the shower and get out, searching for a towel. I can't see one. For a small moment I panick, but then I press my ear to the door and listen for any movement. I hear a blind being pulled open. Ok, I'm quick, I think, I can get to my room without Ben seeing me. I open the door, covering my junk and boobs, and run smack bang into Ben, who also appears to be naked. I scream as I fall in top of him. Then I look down at him.
"What the fuck!? Why are you naked!!!???" I yell, panicking.
"Why are you naked?" He replies.
"I was having a fucking shower!"
"Well, I'm hot because I've just been for a run and was about to have a shower, but I forgot my towel on the dining room chair, and I thought you were still fucking asleep!"
"Get off me!" I scream. He runs his hands down my bare back and over my butt, where they stop.
"I'm good, I don't know about you..." He smirks.
"Ben!! Today is a fucking big day!! And I don't need any of your stupid distractions!!"
"Oh, shit! I'm sorry, I forgot!" He takes his hands away and I stand up then sprint into my room, slamming the door behind me. I take a few deep breaths and then nod. I walk over to my bag and put a bra and underwear on. Then I grab some black tights and bike shorts and slip them on. Then I pull my dress over my head. I walk over to the body length mirror and do a small turn. The dress looks fine. I grab the black stilettos from my back and put them on. Then I grab my hair straightener and makeup bag and go back into the bathroom. I straighten my hair and add minimum makeup. I run back to my room and drop all my stuff in my bag. Then I make my bed and check myself once more in the mirror before grabbing my purse and phone and eulogy and heading out of my room. Ben has his back to me and is fiddling with the toaster when I walk into the kitchen. He has some footy shorts on and no top. I clear my throat. He stops and turn around. His jaw drops when he sees me.
"Wow." He says.
"Is it really that bad?" I ask.
"You look stunningly beautiful." He says, still in awe.
"Stop it." I smile. He smiles and beckons me over. I walk to him and do a little twirl.
"Absolutely gorgeous." He pulls me towards him by my waist and kisses me. I pull away.
"Whoa."
"Sorry, I just couldn't hold it back. You look goddamn sexy!"
"Well, it's not supposed to be."
"It's sophisticated, beautiful and sexy, all in one." He smiles. I laugh and push away from him.
"C'mon, we gotta get going and you promised to be my chauffeur."
"Alright, we'll get breakfast on the way."
"Awesome."
~•~
We make it to the church with about 20 minutes to spare, after scoffing about 5 McDonald's hash browns and chugging down a coffee. I sit in the car for a moment, observing everyone dressed in black. I sigh and blink back the tears already welling up in my eyes.
"Hey, I'm not going to say it's alright because it's not, but I'm here for you. Okay?" He says. I nod violently instead of replying yes, because if I try to speak, I'll burst into tears. I know I will.
"Okay, go on, and text me when you want me to pick you up." He squeezes my hand and kisses me on the lips.
"Okay. Bye." I open the door and step out. Before I close the car door, I say "thank you. It means a lot to me Ben, really. I'm super grateful."
"It's alright babe, now go on." He smiles. I nod and shut the door. He drives away and I wave. Then turn and face the big church. I take a deep breath and walk forward. I see Ashton. He's wearing a dark grey suit with a white shirt and black tie. He waves and runs over to me, engulfing me in a huge hug. I let out a sob. He squeezes me tightly.
"It's going to be fine. We just have to push through this and then we can help each other move on." He whispers. I nod and blink back the tears.
"Are you speaking?" I ask.
"Yeah, of course. Charlie was like a brother to me. I'd never leave this to other people."
"Okay, good."
"I'm guessing you're speaking as well?" I nod and hold up Charlie's eulogy. Ashton takes my hand and looks at me and then at the entrance to the church.
"Shall we?" He asks. I take a deep breath, hold it for three seconds and then release it with a nod.
"Let's do this. For Charlie."
"For Charlie!" And with that we walk forward. We reserve our spots in the second row of seats from the front. I place my purse in Ashton's hands.
"Take care of this for a moment." I say. He nods and I get up and walk to the front row of seats where Sally is seated. Sally stands up and hugs me tightly. I hug her back and bite my lip to stop from crying. She takes my face in her hands and smiles. Even though her smile is warm, her eyes lack the same feeling. Instead they're sad and nothing about them is happy.
"Thank you for coming on such short notice sweetie." She says.
"It's my pleasure. He would've wanted me to, so hear I am. Is it okay of I say a few words?"
"Absolutely fine. I was hoping you would."
"Thank you, Sally."
"It's alright love, now they're about to start so let's sit down." I kiss her cheek and nod. I take my seat next to Ashton and take back my purse.
Once everyone is seated they start playing Who You Are by Jessie J as they walk his casket down the isle by Charlie's dad, uncle, grandpa, other uncle. Charlie loved this song as well as Jessie J. A tear rolls down my cheek and Ashton wipes it away and then takes my hand. I smile at him. The casket reaches the end of the isle and is placed on a stand. I take a deep breath and the song is faded out.
~•~
Finally they are getting the speakers up. Ashton is first. He squeezes my hand one last time before getting up and walking over to the podium. He clears his throat and begins talking.
"Hi, I'm Ashton, Charlie's friend. I wish I could say brother, because that's what he was like to me and I was like to him. He knew my darkest secrets and my meanest moods. I mean we knew each other since third grade and he was always a little rat bastard!" Everyone let out a small laugh, including me. "He knew how to lighten the mood and how to scare the living daylights out of me. He was always always there for me and that's why I'll remember him. He was the kid who never stopped pestering me about what was wrong if I looked down. He didn't stop until he got the answer out of me, even if that meant he had to beat it out of me. He never gave up at anything. He always persisted. If he was on his skateboard at the top of a big ramp, he wouldn't stand there, scared and procrastinating, he'd just skate down it. He was brave and fearless and I swear to god that if he didn't get his way, he'd tantrum his way there." I zone out, my tears streaming down my cheeks and everything muffled. I only hear my heart beating in my ears and I shake my head and blink away my tears. I zone back in and notice that Ashton is crying and walking away from the podium. I hear the sobs of Sally. I look over and see her shaking violently, Charlie's dad Michael, with an arm around her. I hold back the tears and then look across and see Paige, Charlie's younger sister, looking at her mum nervously.
"Where's Charlie?" She asks. Sally holds back the tears and turns to Paige.
"Charlie's in there." Sally points to the casket. Paige cocks her head to one side and ponders it.
"Oh! Is he playing hide and seek?" She asks with a hopeful smile. Sally doesn't say anything just nods and starts crying again. I try to hold the tears back as much as I can, biting the left inside part of my lip raw. Ashton sits down beside me and drops his head into his hands, resting on his knees, and sobs into his hands. Seeing my friends like this makes me break inside. Ashton, the one who was always so bright and alive, now a sobbing mess.
"Now we will have some more words from Amelia Smith, Charlie's friend." I hear the priest say. I nod, rub Ashton's back and stand up, taking Charlie's eulogy with me. I walk down the isle for a short moment before I come to the podium. I stand in front of it and open my eulogy with shaky hands.
"Um, hi, my name is Amelia, but I go by Millie. So Charlie was an amazing, kind, generous, bright, alive, crazy, wild, pretentious, annoying person, who was always there for me and I know I won't be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Charlie knew. Charlie knows. The reason I said knows, is because he is still here. His spirit lives on and this," I hold up my phone, "is how I know." I get off the podium and as I'm running down the isle, I go to my favourites and click on Charlie's number. It dials and I plug my phone into the speaker. I turn it up full and look out at the sea of eyes, all on me. It rings seven times and then Charlie's voice comes over the speaker. A sad smile comes over my face.
"Hey, you've called Charlie, I'm either too busy with my gorgeous girlfriend, hahahaha, Millie stop!" I remember zapped his side and he squirmed and laughed. "Or too lazy to find my phone and answer it, so if you could leave a message with your name and number that would be great. Alright bye." Charlie's soft addictive voice finishes and I burst into tears, collapsing to my knees on the floor, right there. Ashton runs over to me and engulfs me in a hug. Everyone is in tears, thinking they'd never hear Charlie's voice again. Ashton helps me stand up and calm down. He walks back to the podium.
"So, yeah, he's still here. He is always with us. And I've said this so many times, because I call him every single day, but the moment that his voice is no longer on the other end of my phone... is the day that Charlie James Ryder actually dies!" Everyone cheers. Sally is crying and beckons me to call him again. I run down the isle and click redial. It dials his number and after seven rings again, his sweet voice comes over the speaker again.
"Hey, you've call Charlie, I'm either too busy with my gorgeous girlfriend, hahahahaha, Millie stop!or too lazy to find my phone and answer it, so if you could leave a message with your name and number that would be great. Alright bye." It finishes and beeps. Everyone is quiet. I speak.
"Hi Charlie. It's Millie. We're all here at you funeral. I hope everything's okay. Just thought I'd prove to them that you're still here. So everyone, and I mean everyone, is hear. They're listening to your voice. And they're happy. You said your goal in life was to make the people around you happy. Well guess what...?" I speak softer. "You did." I hang up and unplug my phone. I sit back down next to Ashton and burst into tears on his shoulder. He wraps me up in his arms and kisses the top of my head. Everyone pats my back and tries to comfort me, but nothing is going to comfort, not even Xander's arms. The only thing that's going to comfort me.... is knowing Charlie is going to burst out of his coffin. But he doesn't.
~•~
We are all standing around Charlie's grave now. It's the same graveyard my dad is buried in. I look down at the gaping hole in the earth, where Charlie's coffin now lays. A tear runs down my cheek and splashes onto the ground. Clouds hang over head, dark and heavy with rain. The priest says one last prayer and then asks us to take a flower and throw it onto his coffin. Sally, Michael and Paige are the first ones to take a flower.
As Paige throws a flower onto the coffin she asks, "mummy, why is Charlie still hiding? He knows that we found him."
"It's okay sweetie. He is in a safer place now." Sally replies.
"But mummy! We can't cover Charlie with dirt without him coming out."
"He is out."
"No he isn-"
"Paige just leave it! He's dead! He's not coming home with us tonight! He won't be at another breakfast, lunch or dinner! You won't see him until you die yourself!" Sally hisses. Paige's bottom lip wobbles. Sally clamps a hand over her mouth and starts crying violently.
"He's dead?" She asks.
"I'm sorry sweetie. I'm so so sorry." Paige throws the rose violently down into the hole and runs off. I watch as no one chases after her. She weaves through the gravestones and disappears under a tree.
Ashton and I both grab a rose.
"We'll miss you Charlie." He smiles sadly and throws his flower in. I wipe my eyes furiously with the heel of my hand. Then step in front of the coffin. I take a deep breath and look up at the sky.
"I'll see you when I get up there, I promise." I smile, kiss the white rose and throw it in. I lands on his coffin with a light thud and a petal drops from it. I shake my head and stand beside Ashton who puts his arm over my shoulder and pulls me against his side. I rest my head on his chest and watch as everyone else throws the flowers onto his coffin, tears falling from their eyes and onto their shaking hands or the rough ground. Finally, they start covering Charlie's coffin with dirt. I let out my tears. They don't stop.
This is where I am saying goodbye forever, I think. I won't see him ever again. He's gone forever. Never again will I see that gorgeous warming smile. Never again will I hear his laugh. Never again will I be able to touch his face again. Never again.
I shake my head and close my eyes. When I open them, everyone is starting to leave and the hole has been filled completely. I look down at the ground in dismay and hug Ashton. He hugs me back and sobs into my shoulder.
"It's not fair." I sob.
"I know." He replies. I pull away and wipe my eyes again. I take a deep breath.
"I better go find Paige."
"I'll come."
"No, don't worry. I'll talk to her."
"Okay, I'll wait for at my car."
"Thank you." I kiss Ashton's cheek and walk towards the tree I saw Paige disappear under. As I walk through the grave stones, it starts spitting. I sigh and speed walk towards the tree. I get there and find Paige bawling her eyes out. I sit down next to her. She looks up at me, her bottom lip wobbling. Then she leaps into my arms and sobs.
"It's alright." I say, rubbing her back and hugging her close. She sobs louder and I hug her tighter. She takes a couple of deep breaths and then sits back and looks up at me again.
"Why did he die?" She asks. I think of a way to break it to her not too harshly.
"Well," I say, "he wasn't very happy."
"Why?"
"You know how he was away from home?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he wasn't in a good place and he felt bad and he missed home, so he wasn't happy."
"Oh. Are mummy and daddy gone?"
"Not yet. If we run, we can catch them."
"Let's go." She grabs my hand and starts running. I jump to my feet and allow her to pull me along. We reach the gate to the cemetery and Sally and Michael are waiting. Paige jumps into her dads arms and Sally kisses my cheek.
"Thank Millie. And thank you for showing that we can still hear our darling Charlie's voice." She says. I nod and smile.
"Are you coming back to our house for the wake?" Michael asks. I shake my head.
"Sorry, I can't. I'm so sorry. It's too much." I say. They nod.
"It's okay, we understand." Sally smiles. "Just thank you so much for coming all the way from Canada."
"It was what he would've wanted." Michael hugs me and Sally kisses my cheek. Paige jumps out of her dads arms and runs into mine. I pick her up and plant small little kisses all over her face. She giggles and kisses my cheek back.
"Thank you Millie." She smiles.
"It's alright Paigiepoo." I reply. "I have to go now. I'll see another time. Good luck in the future missy moo." She giggles again and throws her arms around my neck. I place her down and squeeze her hands. I turn away and wipe the tears from my eyes. I walk to Ashton, who is leaning up against his car. He opens the passenger side door for me and I get in. Then he gets in, but doesn't start the car. He turns to me and takes my hand.
"Millie, I need you to promise me something..." He says. I nod and wait for him to continue.
"I need you to promise to not try and kill yourself, okay? I know that you probably won't. I just don't want to loose another good friend." I nod.
"I promise." I smile.
"Good." He squeezes my hand and then starts the car. I give him the address of Ben's place and then he drives.
~•~
We get to Ben's in record time. I kiss Ashton's cheek and get out.
"I'll see you again, when I'm in Australia next. Oh can I get your number, just so we can keep in touch?" I smile.
"Sure." He says his number and I punch it in. I nod and smile.
"Alright, see you Millie. Take care of yourself." He says, blowing me a kiss. I blow one back and shut the door. I wave as he drives off. It's starts bucketing with rain all of a sudden. I run into the apartments and run up the stairs. I knock on Ben's door and he answers with a solemn face. He grabs my arm and pulls me in. He pushes me onto the couch.
"Ben! What the fuck!" I yell.
"Who was that dickhead?" He hisses.
"My friend, Ashton."
"Friend?"
"Yeah! Friend. Look, Ben I don't need any of your shit! Okay? I get you like me and all, but I've had the worst day of my life! I have lost my ex and an amazing friend! He was always there for me and I will never get to see him again. I don't need you being all protective over me!" I scream, tears spilling down my cheeks. I run to my room, slamming the door behind me. I kick my shoes off and flop onto the bed, burying my face in the pillows and bawl my eyes out. I hear a soft knock on the door.
"Millie?" Ben asks. When I don't reply, he opens the door. I feel the bed dip as he sits down beside me. I feel his hand on my back.
"Mille, I'm sorry. I'm being an ass and a dickhead. And you're right... You have had a shit day and I was just making it worse." I turn my head and look at him. He smiles warmly at me.
"You mean it?" I pout. He leans forward and grabs my bottom lip between his teeth, like he did yesterday. I shiver inside and goosebumps appear on my arms.
"Of course I do." He whispers. I smile and sit up, throwing my arms around his neck. His arms wrap around the small of my back. I take a deep breath and smile as Ben's scent fills my nose.
"You still smell nice." I whisper.
"Good." He replies. I pull away from the hug and look at him. He grins.
"Checking me out, are you?" He chuckles. I shove him playfully.
"Let me get dressed and then can you give me a back massage until I fall asleep?"
"Sure I can."
"Cool, now go out and I'll call you in when I'm ready." He gets up and goes out. I strip my dress, shorts, stockings off and then pull Charlie's top over my head. But I want warmer bottoms.
"Hey Ben?" I call out. He opens the door and waltz in. I pull my top down over my butt.
"Oh shit, sorry. What's up?" He asks, looking me up and down.
"Can I borrow some sweat pants from you?"
"Sure, I'll go get some." He goes out and comes back in half a second with some black sweat pants. I slip on and jump onto bed. Ben comes over and starts tucking my doona in. I start kicking my legs.
"Stop it!" I yell. Ben puts his hands up and surrenders. "I hate tucked in sheets and blankets. I like being free!"
"Sorry, miss two year-old." He murmurs under his breath. I hit him.
"I can hear you! I have hearing like a cat!"
"Oi! Do you want your back massage or not?"
"I do, I do."
"Then lie on your stomach." I do as I am told and roll onto my stomach. He pulls back the covers and pulls my top up. I sit bolt up ams pull my top down.
"Watch it!" I warn.
"If you want a nice massage, you will let my pull up your top and undo you bra strap." He replies. I shake my head. "Millie."
"Ben."
"Millie, I'm not going to do anything naughty." He wiggles his eyebrows in a suggestive way. I laugh and nod.
"Fine, but I'm trusting you." I roll back onto my stomach and pull up my top. I feel his hands up clip my bra and immediately start slowly digging his thumbs into my pressure points. I squirm a bit but then relax. His hands creep lower down my back. They stop at the dimples in my back. I turn my head and look at him. He looks at me and grins.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Nothing, just looking at the smooth skin of your back." He says, attempting to be romantic.
"If you're trying to be romantic, it's not working." I say.
"Oh really...?" He leans towards me and puts his face right up to mine. Our lips are dangerously close. If either of us move an inch forward, they'll touch.
"I think I'm doing a pretty good job at being romantic. But if you don't think so, I can show you." He whispers in a husky voice. My heart hammers away in my chest.
"Really?" I whisper back, my voice shaking with adrenalin.
"Shall I show you?"
"Try your best." He flips me onto my back and starts showering my neck with small kisses. He climbs on top of me. I arch my back in pleasure and wrap my arms around his neck. He kisses up my neck, across my cheek and down my jaw line to my lips. He then kisses me passionately, his hands finding their way to my butt. He cups my arse and pulls me against his body. He goes back down to my neck.
"What are we doing?" I whisper into his ear.
"We are in the midst of foreplay." He says between kisses. I pull off his top and my pants. He starts undoing his jeans when we are interrupted by a knock on the apartment door. I pull away from our hot kiss and chuck his top at him. He pulls his top on, does his jeans back up and stumbles out of my room. I start pulling on my pants as I follow him. I straighten my tshirt, but realise my bra isn't done up.
"Ben, do my bra back up!" I hiss. He widens his eyes and runs over to me. He does it up as there is another knock.
"Yeah, yeah, coming." Ben yells. He walks over to the door peers through the eye hole and smiles. Then he turns back to me.
"Okay, it's my mate, Liam. He doesn't think I can get a girlfriend, so I would like to make him think that you're my hot adorable girlfriend. Is that okay?" He says. I shrug.
"Sure."
"Awesome, can act all super attached and lovey dovey."
"Fine but you owe me." He nods, unlocks the door and opens it wide. There stands the god of hotties. My jaw drops.
"Millie, meet Liam. Liam meet Millie." Ben says with a smile, but it falters when he sees my dropped jaw. Liam walks forward and extends his hand.
"Nice to meet you Millie." He says with a blinding smile. I blink a few times then shake his hand.
"Nice to meet you too, Liam." I say, still breathless from me and Ben's make out session.
"Oh, did I interrupt something you two were doing?" He asks with a smirk, obviously noticing my breathlessness. I swallow hard and glance at Ben. He struts over to me and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me tight against his side. I rest my hand on his chest and kiss his neck.
"Yes, you did. But it's okay, you can stay for a bit, but then you'll have to go. Me and Millie have some things we need to... complete." Ben smirks.
"Oh, dude. Shagging all the ladies!" Liam exclaims, high fiving Ben. I roll my eyes and try to break from Ben's grip, but he holds me in place.
"Do you want to sit down?" Ben asks Liam. Liam nods and plonks on the couch. Ben sits down and I sit down on his lap, facing him. I start kissing his neck. Ben starts talking to Liam.
"So how have you been?" Ben asks Liam.
"I've been... good. What about you?" Liam replies.
"Well, look at this hot mess on my lap! She's unbelievable!"
"Wow, she's actually your girlfriend?"
"Yep."
"Good job, man." I start grinding against his crotch and kiss his neck harder.
"Babe, if you continue any longer, I'm going to have to ask Liam to leave. Your driving me crazy."
"Then ask him to leave, so we can... complete those things you wanted to do." I purr, bite his lip with my teeth. I continue to kiss his neck and grind on him.
"God, your girlfriend is hot!" Liam says.
"She is the best in bed. Honestly." He pushes me off him and I pout. "I told you you're driving me crazy!" I kiss his neck.
"Aww, babe." I whine, climbing back on him and continue grinding and kissing his neck.
"You're so lucky. My girlfriend freaking can't be fucked to even give me a hand job. She gave me a freaking rub over the pants for about five seconds, but that's it!"
"Oh dude, that's horrible. Millie here, is the best girlfriend I've ever had! She does anything I want, and you don't understand how good the role play is. Our favourite game is Master and Slave. I'm usually the Master. And if she doesn't do what I want, she gets punished. In the best way."
"Man! I want some of that action. Let's do a threesome." I throw up in my mouth.
"Sorry, I'm keeping this one for myself."
"Alright, well, I better get going... Let you two complete those things."
"Alright man." Ben stands up and I wrap my legs around his waist and continue kissing his neck.
"Babe, get off." He whispers. I do as I'm told, but place my hand in his. He does the weird man hug thing with Liam and Liam steps forward for a hug. I accept and hug him.
"Bye, I'll see you tomorrow at this guys party." Liam smiles.
"See you." Once the door is closed, Ben lunges at me and knocks me onto the couch, kissing my neck. He holds himself above me so he doesn't crush me with his wait. I giggle as he yanks my top off and gets it tangled on his arm. He throws it onto the floor and then pulls his top off. He continues kissing me and I wrap my legs around his waist. He stands up, supporting me under my butt and walks into his room. I keep kissing him as he lays me gently on his bed. He continues to hold himself above me and he fumbles with the sweat pant cord. He breaks the kiss and undoes it, then kisses me again.