Red Strings of Fate (Haunted Series 2)

Strings 39: Cruel Fate

Pero ayoko nang tumakbo. Pagod nakong tinatakbuhan palagi ang mga problema ko.

And I miss him. I miss him so much.

Nagkatitigan kami habang bumubulong ako. "...But I really miss you and I'm tired of fighting."

Umangat ang kamay niya para hawakan ang mukha ko, dahan-dahang sinusundan ng kanyang hinlalaki ang labi ko.

"We should stop this." Hurt flashed between my eyes, and before I could say anything, he clarified, "What I'm saying is—Let's stop running. I'll meet you halfway, but I need you to come the rest of the way."

Mabagal akong tumango sa kanya.

"I'm sorry I left you. I have a problem with sharing... burdens. For me, that's my way of protecting you. I think it's better if you don't see my work. I still think it's better if you don't know."

Matalas ko siyang tiningnan. "You may want to reconsider telling me if the consequences impact more than just you."

Defeatedly, he nodded. Pero napansin ko ang pagluwag ng kanyang hininga na parang natanggal ang mabigat na bagay sa kanyang dibdib.

It must have been so hard shouldering everything by himself.

Nanlambot ang kanyang mga mata. "Okay, no more secrets. I just want you back, baby."

"You want me back? You agree we broke up?" Naramdaman ko ang init sa gilid ng aking mga mata habang nagpapakawala ako ng isang nanginginig na tawa. Naaalala ko ang pag-diskusyon namin kung naghiwalay kami o hindi. "You really... loved me?"

Tumaas ang kilay niya. "No."

"Ikaw—" Imbes na sumigaw, tumalikod na'ko at bumalik sa loob.

Nabuksan ko ang pintuan ng kanyang mismong kwarto nang naramdaman ko ang kamay niyang humila sa akin at ikinulong sa yakap ng kanyang mga braso.

"And you should stop running every time you're overwhelmed. Say what you feel, and don't hold back from me. You were so good at it before. Why'd you stop?"

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin.

Huminto ako dahil nagbibigay ako ng kapangyarihang saktan ako kapag sinasabi ko ang totoo kong iniisip. At ayoko nang masaktan pa.

Every time I feel the inability to breathe, the sadness, the pain... I run. Because that's all I know.

But what would happen with my life if I kept everyone at arm's length? I'm robbing myself of the colors I want to weave into my life.

"I'm not agreeing we broke up, but I know I lost you. All is good now, though. I got you back. And I love you—not loved, I love you and still do."

Hearing all these words from TJ, I want to feel all those colors, all those emotions with him. Gusto kong magalit, malungkot, at sumaya habang kasama siya.

Hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at itinutok sa kanyang mukha.

"I fucking love you. I don't know why, but I do. It consumes my every being, and I will kill every person who steps in your way. Morals be damned."

Ang dramatic niya pakinggan pero alam kong nagsasabi siya ng totoo.

He did kill for me.

Panahon na siguro para maniwala ako sa kanya imbes na maghintay na saktan niya ako. It's possible that he will break my heart, but if I didn't give it a try, I would only end up breaking my own heart and maybe his along with it.

"Now it's my turn to ask. Did you miss me when I was gone?"

"Tingin mo? I wouldn't be sad if I didn't."

"You missed me?" Ngumiti siya.

"Seryoso ako TJ, tangina mo. 'Wag ka nang mawala ng basta-basta. Other than missing you, I was angry too." Nanginig ang labi ko. "Tingin mo ba hindi rin kita mahal? Mahal kita gago. I lost people too and leaving without saying anything but a text, telling me to "stay put", is just a slap on my face because you know how paranoid I get. Kaya nga ako nagagalit dahil bakit ko nga ba minahal ang isang taong laging bumibisita sa pintuan ni kamatayan?"

Hindi nawala sa utak ko nang nag confess ako bigla ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

Pero habang mukhang gulat na gulat si TJ, nagpatuloy ako sa pagsasalita, "You don't fucking take care of your body. You're careless! Kahit umarte ako na parang wala akong pakealam, hinintay kita. Nakakatakot ang bawat araw na hindi mo ako kinokontak dahil paano kung... paano kung namatay ka?"

I gritted my teeth when my eyes burned too much from trying not to cry.

"Paano kung namatay ka at wala akong alam? Kailangan ko pa bang malaman kay Christian at Hera? I know it's your job and there's nothing I could do to stop you but I want you, to hear from you, to hear you're okay—"

Sa labo ng aking mga mata sa luha, huli ko nang napagtanto nang lumapit sa'kin si TJ at buong pwersang inilapat ang labi niya sa labi ko. Eksperto siyang gumalaw, at bago pa ako makasabay, umatras siya.

"You didn't try contacting me either."

Pinunasan niya ang tumulong luha sa pisngi ko. Hindi pa'ko naka-recover sa binigay niyang halik habang nalilito akong tumitig sa kanya.

"I pursued you endlessly, never giving you a chance to consider us. We were always together. When I left, I was waiting for you to call or text. I wanted to see whether you liked me enough to reach out or if your affection was formed from a trauma bond."

Right. Tinanggap ko na lang ang mga desisyon niya. Naghihintay lang ako at hindi mismo nag-reach out.

"Hindi ako nag reach out kasi inisip ko na baka magiging pabigat ako sa mga ginagawa mo."

Napairap ako at napaiwas ng tingin. 

"I was wrong to think otherwise, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd think that way." Hindi niya ako binigyan ng oras para sumagot dahil sa pagtingala ko, bumaba ang bibig niya. "We're shitty at communicating." Bulong niya bago ko naramdaman ang kanyang malambot na labi.

I couldn't help but groan in agreement and cling to him as he savaged me. I loved it. Love how he was so demanding with his kisses.

Alam niyang masyado akong ma-pride mag submit kaya pinapadali niya para sa'kin. Hindi niya ako binibigyan ng choice.

"I will tell you every fucking detail of my missions just so I can kiss you like this." He tells me, his voice thick with lust. "Close the door."

Nakalimutan kong nasa gitna kami ng kanyang kwarto at nakabukas pa ang pintuan niya, kitang kita kami sa mga taong magdesisyon na dadaan dito.

Seeing the deadly thirst and aspiration in his golden eyes. I closed the door behind me.

(⸝⸝๑ ̫ ๑⸝⸝⸝)