You don't know me

Chapter 67

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Alexander POV

The last two days without Magnus were the same. I wandered the streets at night, as I liked to do it. I didn't do that when I was with Magnus. He never wanted that.

I sat on my sofa and closed my eyes. I had taken drugs a few hours ago and they seemed to be losing their effect. I hated that. I was always tired afterwards and I thought too much. It was like my thoughts were crushing me. It has happened too much. I lost my brother and I sent Magnus away. Do I regret it? I dont know. I have not really thought so far.

I tried to distract myself most of the time and that worked most of the time. I had at least ten missed calls from Isabelle, but not one from Magnus. I leaned back and thought about what he said.

'It's your decision wether you want to be loved or not.' He told me that before leaving. Is that my decision? Could he just stop loving me like that? Could I do that? With enough drug influence, maybe I could.

My eyes burned, so I rubbed them. I thought again. I wanted to rejoice to avoid thinking, but I had nothing left. At some point my feelings will come back too and the more I thought about it, the more the pain came back. What am I doing? What has become of me?

These feelings overwhelm me. The pain of losing my brother was too hard. He was torn from my life and it threw me off track. I was happy. Everything was good but it's like God doesn't allow me to be happy. Every time I allow myself to be happy, something happens.

He was still so young. He was my little brother. It was a mini version of mine and Isabelle and I just wished that I had been more there for him. I should have visited him more often. I should have made trips with him. I should have read him countless mangas. These are all things that I can‚t do anymore.

And then there's Isabelle and Jace. They feel definitely worse than me and I am unable to help them. How should I? I'm not even able to help myself. There was only one person who could help me, and I sent him away. Magnus.

I sat upright and took a sip of the beer that stood on my table. Slowly it all comes back to me. I was drugged and thought Magnus would take away my freedom. I just wanted to be a little bit freer, now I am or not?

Magnus is so different from me. He is rich and decent, but not only that. He is loving and caring. He would do anything for the people he loves. I am the opposite. I am a bad person. I push people I love away. I just did not fit into his perfect world, but thats and him is what I was missing so much now.

I am right. I'm freer now. I drink and take drugs and I couldn't do all that with Magnus by my side. Only with a difference. Now nobody tells me to stop. Nobody tells me that I'm worth saving. Nobody tells me it's bad for me but that's all I have to hear. All I want to hear. Everyone needs someone who stays and tells them what is good for you. I had this person, but I sent him away. Crap.

These thoughts get me done, because they are true. Now I can answer it. Yes, I regret it. I regret everything I did. I regret everything that I did to Magnus and I should apologize. I need him. I can't live without him.

I have to fix this. 'It's your decision wether you want to be loved or not.' I have made my decision. I would give up everything to be with him. I picked up my phone and called Isabelle back. I was a little scared of it. After all, I ignored her for days.

"Alec?" she said.

"Yes it's me." I answered and I heard her breathing in relief.

"I was worried, Alec!" she snapped. I sighed.

"I'm sorry, Iz. I had to clear some things first, I had to find myself again." I admitted. She sighed now. I hoped she was not too angry.

"It's okay, I've heard that with Magnus, that's why I was worried." She said. Did she talk to Magnus?

"From where?" I asked in confusion.

"Simon told me that Magnus is not leaving the house, I knew it could only be because of you, then he told me everything Magnus told him." she explained. Uff, so he's not feeling well. "Do you really think that? What you said, I mean." she asked.

"No, Isabelle, I mean, at that moment I meant it, but I was not myself." I explained to her. I did not really want to tell her that I was taking drugs again.

"Then you really screwed it up, big brother," she stated. I sighed. She's probably right.

"How are you?" I asked worriedly.

"I'll get through, Magnus helped me a lot." She said. Wait, I was confused. I thought she did not see Magnus?

"You saw him?" I asked.

"Yeah, he came to me a few days ago, that's where you wanted a day for you, didn't he tell you that?" she asked in confusion.

"Um, that was the day I said these things to him." I said. So he took care of my family during that time.

"So you know nothing about the argument at our place?" she asked. What is she talking about?

"What argument?" I asked. She sighed.

"Ask Magnus himself, talk to him and fix that with him, he's good for you." She said. She is right.

"I know, thank you, Iz. I'll drop by in the next few days." I said. We said goodbye I hung up. I pocketed my phone and left my cabin. I can do it. So I drove to Magnus' house and knocked on his door, hoping he would open and talk to me.