Mixed Signals.

75.

"Mummy's here." I smiled. "Mummy's never going away again. You know mummy will always be here. Let's take you to go and see Grandad and uncle Antonio, Uncle Adam, Auntie Kim and all the other ones. Let's go and see everybody!" I smiled as I pushed the pram again and we headed towards work. I wasn't sure where Jay would be but I knew he would either be at work or the training base still. Pretty sure he'd be at the training base though. We took a slow walk towards work because I was so tired and in some pain. I think I'd pushed it a bit far today considering I only gave birth 3 days ago. I think I needed to relax but come on? Telling Erin Lindsay to relax?

**

I got changed and dumped my bag in the locker room. I ran downstairs and grabbed some water.

"Hey sorry I'm late." I sighed.

"It's okay. We're running late anyway." Adam smiled. "Congratulations on little one."

"Oh thank you. Yeah Harvey. He's doing well."

"What about Erin?"

"I think there's something she's not telling me but I'm not going to force her into telling me. I think she's still struggling with the feelings and the new baby but she seems to be getting better. You know what she's like I tell her to relax but this is Erin Lindsay? When has she ever relaxed?" We both laughed. He patted my back as we were both called up. I put my ear buds in and played some music as I started running. I knew this could last anywhere from 60 minutes to 4 hours so my music was my therapy.

I'd been running for about 25 minutes when my phone messed up and my music stopped. It began dialling random numbers but I couldn't lose focus because I was in 1st currently.

"Welcome to your voicemail. You have 2 new messages and 0 saved messages. Message 1. Monday 19:47pm - Jay please listen carefully. I know your annoyed at me. I know I'm being stupid not bonding with Harvey but you need to know why okay? It's a long story and I don't want to upset you but I need you to know I love you and I don't mean for you to be annoyed at me or anything. Please just listen to this message carefully. It's not that I won't bond but I'm genuinely struggling because when I was 16, before we knew each other I had a best friend who dealed with me and I found her one day and she was down a alley way after being drugged and abused and when I found her again a few months later after she'd come out of hiding she was with me in a shop doorway in centeral chicago in some disgusting druggie road giving birth at 22 weeks. She had a beautiful little boy because he was so prem and so little he didn't make it. Neither did she and I was so worried when I had Harvey that I didn't want to bond with him because I was scared I was going to get ill or die and he wouldn't even have mum which would make it easier to bond with someone else and I didn't want to create a bond incase you lost us both because then you'd have nobdy where as if you just had Harvey you could almost start a fresh? Listen I'm sorry and I love you." I wasn't sure what to do. I completely ignored the other voicemail because I was tearing up. I finished my run and headed back to the others.

"You alright Jay?" Adam smiled because I was crying.

"Oh yeah I'm good. I've done my back in on that run. I think I've popped a disc out." I sighed.

"Oh okay. Not much after then we can get back to district." He smiled. I nodded and turned my phone off and chucked it into my bag in the locker room. I sat down and I put my head in my hands. I wasn't even sure how to feel right now. There was a part of me that wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh and I really wanted to get home to my family hug them all and sit with them all for the rest of my life and never let them out of my life ever again because I was scared and upset about what I'd put Erin through and how I'd made her feel.

**

I smiled as I picked up Harvey. I rested him against my chest his head on my shoulder and I rested my hand under his bum. I put his bag over my shoulder and left the pram behind the desk and I headed up the stairs. I approached the gate and put in the passcode before pushing through the gate and continuing up the stairs. I smiled as Hank took the bag from me and helped me.