Mixed Signals.

48.

I managed to use the frame to stand up. I made it over to the window and sat in that armchair. I felt comfortable. Well comfy wasn't the right word. I was in a lot of pain and I hated it. I wanted to go home but I didn't want to be around Jay and Florence. I was still on my drip and I had to take the thing everywhere with me. I sat against the window ledge, blanket over me, I felt cold and alone. There was a knock on the door and then Jay come in with a smile. I just carried on looking out the window.

"How are you feeling?" He smiled. I just nodded and yawned. I stood up and headed back over to my bed, leaving my arm atop the blanket so the drip didn't get caught up on anything. I shut my eyes and felt a weight on the edge of the bed.

"Erin please talk to me?" He held my hand.

"I'm tired." I sighed. "I'm really tired so I'm sorry I can't talk to you."

"I'm here to tell you your coming home?" He laughed.

"We're going home?" I smiled.

"Yes we are." He stood up. "Connor's coming in so he can remove your drip. Once he's removed that you still have to use your frame but it will mean you walk and come home. Up for it?"

"Jay I think plan's have changed." I sighed looking away.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm having counselling and depression testing. I'm also having post natal help and tests." I sighed, I looked at him and I was tearful. He was also tearful but I wasn't sure what else I could say to make things better.

"You didn't tell me?"

"Why do you think I didn't want visitors. So from now on I don't want to see you until I decide to come home. I understand this is hard. If I want to see Florence I will ask Connor to arrange it but for now I can't deal with us or seeing anybody. Thank you and goodbye." I laid back down with my back to him. I heard him get his stuff together and I was crying myself but I knew I'd upset him more than anything but I wasn't sure what else to do.

***

It had been exactly 3 months since the explosion. I hadn't seen Erin and she hadn't seen anyone. She'd seen Connor and Will because after their shifts they both stayed with her after work to keep her company and they gave me updates but we had all been removed off Erin's visitors list and she hadn't been able to come home because of how she'd been feeling.

I dropped Florence off at mum's and headed back home. I got changed, I put on my crisp white shirt, my black ironed trousers, the jacket and the cap. I felt prepared for today. I mean I didn't want to do it because I felt like I couldn't. I felt like a let down. I wanted Erin with me so I had some support because I knew today wasn't going to be easy but mum said she was going to come and bring Florence. I think dad was going to come if he didn't have work. I put my hat on and polished my shoes before going downstairs. I pulled my jacket down and did up the buttons. I grabbed my car keys and left the house.

*
I knew there wasn't even anything I could right in a text to send to him. I kept looking at my phone trying to type out a message but I wasn't sure what to say. I closed my phone down and put it on the desk next to me. I used the frame to get myself off the bed and stood up. Connor come in with a smile.

"You alright?"

"I'm good. Have you got it?" I smiled.

"I have. Do you want some help?" He hung up this clothes bag on the back of the door, on the hook and put the shoe box down under the window.

"Help from you? Would you even now how to do up a dress?" I laughed.

"No but I know how to undo one." He laughed. He felt a bit embarrassed that he'd said that but we were both in hysterics. I managed to get over to my chair and I let him leave before I started to try and get changed. I undid the bag and got quite tearful. There was a knock on the door and Will come in, took out all my cannula's and drips and everything before leaving me to it. Then there was another knock and it was Gabby.