Lassitude •3rd Book

Emotions

Lassitude ~ 46

Riley Dallas' pov

Open when...

You want to get a divorce

I look towards my brother and he looks towards me with a look of uncertainty. I look back at the envelope in my hand in shock. Cam would give this to me with a group of them. I never thought I'd see this sort of letter. I didn't know he made one like this.

I turn on the lamp light and try to focus on the envelope.

Slowly, I open the envelope and take out this letter. I haven't read any of these letters in a long time. This one... It must have been very recently since this was written.

Riley,

I... never thought I'd actually be writing this to you. I hope you will read this. I know I'm asking a lot of you to do this. It.. would mean a lot to me if you read this whole thing.

I first want to say how sorry I am for causing you all the pain I have put you through. I say sorry a lot and you probably don't care about my apologies anymore. I can't believe I physically hurt you because it breaks my heart now and I should have made sure you were alright. I hate myself for actually hurting you and it upsets me and I wish I had realized everything sooner.

My wedding vows, I don't know how to explain to you or myself why I broke them. I didn't realize I was breaking them. You must hate me and I didn't want this to happen. If I could take back what happened, I would. This is going to haunt me forever because I broke my own vows to you and I hate myself for this too. You are my sunshine and I took everything for granted again.

I never meant to make you feel like you were going through the pregnancy alone or that I was too busy for you with work or anything else. As you know I'm scared and you're scared and I should have taken the responsibility to man up for this because I should have. I should have been responsible and talk to you about this. I was weak and I should have tried harder for you. I should have been better for you. I wish I was better for you.

I wanted to make you and the family proud Ri. Instead I became a disappointment and I will never forgive myself for that. You've been so supportive of me and you took care of the kids when I worked. You kept me in check and I always had a place to call home to. I felt loved and I was happy with you and the kids. I should have opened up more to you. I wish I had trust in myself and told you what went through my head.

I don't deserve a perfect and amazing woman like you, Ri. You're too good for me and I feel like I ruined your life for you... I'm the reason we're getting this divorce and I'm really sorry for everything.

I didn't want to add this to the letter, but I wanted to at least try to explain why I was the way I was towards you. I... think I'm sick and I want to get help. This isn't an excuse for what I've done, but I just want to let you know that I'm going to try and get treatment if there's something wrong with me. I felt like I should have done something about this months ago and I should have realized this way back when I realized I didn't want to act anymore.

I couldn't imagine what you're going through. I can't imagine the pain and disappointment that you have in me. I now think to the times you've asked for me this weekend when you needed me, I was being a huge ass. I can't believe I was like that to you. I can't take any of this back and I hope you find happiness in your life Riley. I never thought in this lifetime I'd be writing this you.

Whenever you get the divorce papers... you can send them to me. I understand if you want to keep the kids away from me and and our unborn baby boy. He doesn't need to meet his terrible father and I know I was so excited for this, but I screwed up. I don't deserve this meet him or be there when you give birth in a few months.