One sick love story

My death date

Well... There's no other way to say this... Other than, today is the day I'm supposed to die.
Yes... Today's my death date.

I've been dreading this day, well I guess you can say, my entire life. No one ever wants it to come. But I certainly didn't expect to be saying today's the day I'm supposed to die at the age of 17. I mean... No ones even expected to know the day they die, it's not exactly something we plan. That's why I couldn't stand the idea of having a 'death date'. It's what the Doctor gave me. He basically said I won't live past this date. But guess what, I'm still here. And I know I've got a few days atleast still left in me.
A lot of things are supposed to happen in life. But it doesn't mean they will happen.
I'm spending the rest of my life... Waiting to die. I have an exact date of when I'm supposed to be dead. And today is that day. Life isn't a life when all you're doing is waiting for it to end. I wish I realised that earlier. But I can't look back now, I've just got to try and make the most of everything.

It's December 17th, and luke and Ben have officially broken up for the Christmas holidays. Everyone Is literally spending their time just at home with me. Ben is rarely at his own house anymore. Luke has been out the house because my mum doesn't want him to see the state I'm in. He sort of knows what's going to happen. But I don't think he fully understands yet.

My mum has been at home with me for the last week. She hasn't gone to work, or done anything really. She's mainly just spending her time looking after me. It's been over a week since I went to the park with everyone. Since then... Things only went downhill. But I guess I wasn't expecting anything less, I just... Maybe I was a bit in denial. That day was the last day I ran. The last day I used my legs to run freely around underneath the earths natural air. I started being sick a lot, and I'm sleeping for an average of 15 hours a day now. My mum did ask me if I wanted to go to a hospice. But I couldn't think of anything worse. Who wants a bunch of sympathetic nurses watching over you all day? And who wants to be in a strange place knowing this is going to be the place where you die?
I certainly don't.
I want to be at home, and still have a free life, not being hooked up to machines and tubes, knowing my life depends on them.

Currently, I'm lying down in bed, with Ben's arms wrapped around me, and staring out the window at the depressing English weather.

Luke is out with some friends, whilst my mum is downstairs making phone calls to a lot of people. I can tell that my mum and Ben think it's coming close. They can obviously see something on the outside that I can't see. I certainly don't feel myself, I know that much. But basically, I asked my mum if I could have some friends come visit me, and my grandparents and anyone close to me. I want to say goodbye to people, but without it feeling like... Like a funeral I guess. I'm not gone yet. But I really do want to see all my friends.

Not many people from college actually know what's going on. I'm sure they'll all find out by the time they go back to school in January. But for now, I've only personally told Chelsea and Abbie. My two closest friends.
So they're coming over today, I don't want too many people, I don't want it to be that depressing.

--

I'm woken by the sound of Ben's sweet voice. To be honest I don't even remember falling asleep. That's what's been terrifying me most lately. I can be in the middle of a conversation, or be thinking about something, then the next minute, I'm being woken up by someone. But I don't even remember going to sleep.
"Sorry to wake you Darcy, but you have some visitors" says Ben quietly.
I roll over to my side and look up, to find two tear-filled girls standing at my doorway. "I'll wait outside" says Ben. Then as soon as he walks out, Chelsea and Abbie come walking towards me slowly. This isn't at all like them. Usually they'd be running towards me.
But Abbie is biting her nails, looking worried, and Chelsea is very hesitant.
"Hi Darcy? How are you feeling?" They perch themselves at the end of my bed, but their shy nature makes me a bit angry, so I suddenly perk up and say
"Come on guys, there's no need to be shy. I'm still Darcy, come here" I sit up and wave my hands gesturing to give me a hug. They suddenly both smile and launch themselves towards me. Both of them hug me tight, and the pressure on my lungs is quite painful. But I don't even care anymore, it is totally worth it.
"Oh my gosh Darcy, I can't believe... I mean this is just..."
"I know Abbie, I've missed you too."
They quickly lean in and give me another hug, and this time we all let out our tears. But as we let go, we all have smiles on our faces.
"Darcy, I don't know what to say, I mean... I just have too many things, I can't... I can't-"
"Chelsea it's alright. How about I do the talking?" She doesn't reply but she just nods slowly, whilst continuing to bite her nails with worry. "Guys, there's no easy way to say this, other than, I'm going to miss you both so much. Chelsea... Ive known you since we were little kids. And I've never had such an amazing friend. You've stuck by me through every difficult situation I've been in. You were actually the first person I told about my Cancer. That's because intrusted you, over anyone else. You even did the honours of shaving my head for me, when I didn't have the courage to do it. You told me I looked beautiful, even when I felt ugly. And... And... I couldn't have asked for a better friend" her quivering lips soon turn into a puddle of tears as she leans in and gives me another hug. Now I turn to Abbie, and I hold both her hands tightly as I say this "Abbie, we might not have known eachother for very long. But I don't think I've ever felt like I could trust someone as much as I could trust you. When I came in as the new girl, you were there for me, straight away. You didn't hesitate to want to become my friend. And I can't thank you enough for that. The few months I spent at college were the best few months of my entire life. And that was all thanks to both you guys. You helped complete me as a person, and I couldn't have asked for anyone else to be a better a friend..."
"Oh Darcy, I don't think I know how to say goodbye to you. " says chelsea. She grabs one of my hands, whislt Abbie has hold of the other. And no one really knows what to say.
"I don't know how to say goodbye either Darcy."
"So don't, let's just say... See you later..."
" of course, we will see you again Darcy. I'm sure of it. "
"Me too"
"Just promise me one thing guys... Never forget me."
"Oh Darcy, there is nothing in the entire world that will cause me to forget you. I could get hit in the head by an asteroid and I wouldn't forget you. I don't think you realise just how big of an impact you've had on so many lives. You're the strongest, most incredible person any of us have ever met. You won't be remembered as the girl who had Cancer. You're going to be known as the girl who never gave up, who always had hope, and always found light, even in the darkest of times. Most people never have those things. Many go through life without realising who they truly are, and what life is really about, but you've already achieved all that... Even though you only got a few short years on this planet."
"Which by he way, is totally unfair" Abbie adds " I can't even begin to imagine all the amazing things you could have achieved in your life. You've achieved more than most already. It just isn't fair, you've done nothing wrong. Why do the most incredible people get taken away from us so soon?"
I want to reply, both their speeches were just amazing. And they've made me feel happier, and I guess sad all at the same time. But I don't think anything else needs to be said. Instead, I just give them both another hug. And whisper in their ears "I love you both. And I'm going to miss you more than words can express."
"We love you too Darcy" then I watch them, as they slowly make their way out the door. And I now know, I'm never to see them again.

--

My auntie and uncle, my cousins (and there's a lot of them) a few more friends from college, great aunties, and basically everyone I know has come to visit me today. There's just one person left to see... My grandma.

I love my grandma, she's my dads mum. And she's so sweet and so caring. She always visits and loves to see how I'm doing, so today is going to be a very emotional day for me...and her. She loves coming over and having a chat with her granddaughter (her favourite grandchildren I must add) and now... Well... This will be the last time.
I can't imagine how she must be feeling right now. It's going to be more painful for her than for me, because after i'm gone, well... I'm gone, but she's still here. Having to deal with all the pain. That goes the same for all my family members. I might be leaving, but worse than that, im leaving everyone behind. I won't have to deal with the pain, but they will. And I hate to think of my family upset, there's nothing worse than knowing you're the reason to make your family cry.

But I can't think like this. No one can change anything. We're just going to have to do it. To say goodbye. It's going to be hard, but I have to do it. I love my grandma more than anything, and I know she loves me. And I won't be able to rest in peace knowing that we didn't share a proper goodbye. That's why today is so important.

--

My grandma has just arrived. She's in the middle of giving my mum a long hug, I hate to see the people closest to me in so much pain.
But she's now walking into my room. Looking even more sad than chelsea and Abbie. I know... Out of all the goodbyes so far, this is going to be the hardest.

No words need to be said, she just leans in and straight away gives me a kiss and a hug. "Oh Darcy , what am I going to do without you?" She lets go, but gently grabs hold of my hands, and looks deeply into my eyes with her beautiful soul "I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know... This, all of this, shouldn't have happened. Just like your father, you don't deserve to be taken away so young. I know this isn't what he would have wanted for his two wonderful children. But I'm sure he knows, like we all do, that you fought harder than anyone we've ever known. That your strength, your courage, is something to be admired by. Your unwillingness to give up, you would never give up in a difficult situation. I've never known anyone like you Darcy. I just hope, that your little brother can grow up to be as incredible as you have been. " I'm about to start speaking, but she starts speaking again "you've impacted all of our lives, and I don't know what any of us are going to do without you... And ... And" as she begins to stutter I just grab her and hold her tight again. I let her cry over my shoulder, and I cry over hers.
"It's alright Grandma, I'm going to be okay. You're all going to be fine, alright? Don't let anyone stop living their life because of me. You can't let that happen. Promise me grandma. I love you so much, and I just want to tell you that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you."
"Oh Darcy" she literally throws herself into my arms again, and resumes crying. "Can you do me a favour, when you do... Get up there, if you don't mind?"
"Of course, anything for you"
"Please say hi to my son for me. Your father, that is. And when you do see him, let him know that I still love him, and that we still remember him and think about him everyday. Can you make sure he hasn't forgotten me?"
"Of course grandma. I'm sure he wouldn't have forgotten you, or any of us. I'm sure hes living a happy life, free of cancer, and now he's just waiting there, waiting for us to join him. But that doesn't mean you have to stop living your life. And don't let mum or luke stop living their lives for me, or for dad. I want, and I'm sure your son would want you guys to live a long, happy life, with or without us. Don't worry, you'll see us again, it might be a while, but it won't be never... Alright? I love you, we all do. And nothing would make me happier than knowing my family is living the best life they can. So... I will keep my promise to you. And I guess, I won't say goodbye, I'll just say, see you later."
She leans in for another hug, and this time it seems like it lasts forever. I don't want her to let me go, I never want this to end.

If it's this hard saying goodbye to my grandma, what is it going to be like saying goodbye to my mum, luke and Ben?