One sick love story

Knowing the truth

The truth is killing me. I spent all last night crying about it.
No one at home noticed. Thankfully.
But I just can't take this!

Does this one bruise signify that I have leukaemia again?
I know it's one of the signs. The biggest most important sign out of all of them.
I still have some hope inside of me that it isn't, but the bruise is so significant I just don't know if I still have any hope.

I'm getting myself too worked up. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I was just going over in my head everything that could happen to me now.
I might have to go back into hospital, and have more surgeries, and go through chemo, I JUST CAN'T DO IT!

I start crying again, and this time I can't stop. That is until my mum comes into the room and notices me.
I quickly roll down my sleeve so she doesn't see. The last thing I want right now is my mum noticing it. I know she will freak out more than me.
"You alright darling? Have you been crying?" She comes and sits next to me and wraps her arm around me.
"No, I've just got a bit of a cold, so I've been sniffling a lot."
"Oh alright then, well you coming downstairs for some breakfast?"
"Yeah, sure"
I sit at the breakfast table just wanting to burst out in a flood of tears. I want to tell my mum everything, keeping it trapped inside of me is literal torture.
But I can't.
I don't want to face the truth.
The truth can't be real.
It can't be!

"Here you go darling, here's some toast. Eat up, I'll be in the living room if you want me"
"Thanks mum"
I stare at the food right Infront of me and get a horrible feeling in the depths of my gut. I can't eat this. I can't literally force myself to eat this.
I know what it means, but it can't be!
I managed to shove some of it down my inflamed throat and then I slyly chuck the rest in the bin without my mum noticing.

--

I've gone about the day continuously worrying and beating myself up inside, over the problem I know is about to start.
But I have to remind myself that it might not happen. It's just all these 'what if's' that are going through my mind. What if this happens, then this happens. But anyway. It won't happen.

I guess I'm a bit in denial.
I'm just going to ignore it, hoping it all goes away. No one has to know do they?

--

It's late afternoon and I've achieved  my best attempt at ignoring the situation.
At the moment me, luke and my mum are about to start playing a board game.
We're all sat around the living room table, and luke looks really excited. I love our traditional games, they're great fun and we basically do them once in a while just to bring us closer together as a family again.

"Yay I'm winning!" Luke shouts. We're about half way through the game and it's been a great laugh. I love to watch my mother smile, it makes me so happy to know that she's okay.
"Wait a second luke" I say cheekily then take my turn. I move my player forward a few spaces in the board game then shout "I won I won!" As I do it I lift my arms up in the air, but both my sleeves come rolling down. I quickly sit back down and cover my bruise up with my sleeves again.
"Darcy?" Luke says sounding concerned.
"Yes luke, everything alright?"
"What's that bruise on your arm?" I look down to my arm and realised I haven't covered it up enough, it's just too large. My mum looks at me with the most startled face I've ever seen.
"What's this darcy? A bruise!"
"It's nothing mum. Just slipped over a few days ago."
She rushes over to my side of the table and tried to roll up my sleeve. I try and stop her.
"Darcy just let me see it"
"No it's alright mum, you don't need to its nothing."
"Darcy!" I sigh, then let her roll up my sleeve. As the monstrous green and blue patch is revealed, my mums face almost turns completely white.
"Darcy oh my gosh, that's huge, we... We ... we need to call the doctors now".
She frantically runs around looking for the phone which gets luke really panicky.
"Mum no please don't. It's NOTHING!" I shout. ""Mum please I'm begging you" I burst into a flood of tears she quickly sprints over to me to give me a hug "it just can't be, I can't go back there, I can't go through this again... I just can't"
"Shh, shh, darling it's alright. It's going to be okay. But you do understand why I need to make this call right?" She says slowly and calmly trying to hold back her own tears.
"No but-"
"Darcy, you know it's the right thing to do. We don't have a choice... It's not safe..."
We cuddle back into eachother with quivering lips and tear-stained cheeks... I know, we both know the truth.
She eventually lets me go and rings up the hospital.
She can barely speak as she mumbles into the phone and says the words she never wanted to repeat.
"Hi, Dr. Kartor, it's Sarah, Sarah greenwood." She says slowly.
"Oh hi, Mrs greenwood. Is everything alright?"
"No, no it isn't. We think... Well we don't know... But it could be..."
"It's alright mam, I understand... Bring her in, I'll see you soon yeah?"
"Okay, thanks Doctor."
She drops the phone to the floor, then stares back at me and nods. I know what happens now... I have to go back to the hospital.

Leaving luke with his grandma, me and the other grovelling mess make our way there.

I make the dreaded journey back to the hospital!

It feels just like it used to. Walking in these doors not knowing what's going to happen everyday. I know... There's a possibility, I may walk out of the hospital a different person than I came in.
I take a deep breath, then enter through the sliding doors.

I keep my head down as I walk through the oncology corridors. Unfortunately, most people recognise me and end up looking as concerned as me and my mum are.
Dr. Kartor meets us the second we get there.
I sit in his office and he does a quick scan of me, there's not much time to celebrate a reunion. It's been 5 months since I've seen him and all the other doctors. But as soon as I tell him about my symptoms over the past few weeks, everything just starts happening so quickly.
Blood tests.
Needle stabs.
Physical examinations.
And now I'm lying on a bed waiting to be wheeled into a scanning room.
I have to wear the gown again. The hospitals gown I never wanted to be reunited with. I can't even look at it, or look at myself.

I'm trying to prepare myself for what's about to come. But there are too many things to think about, and things that I know are about to change.
My fate lies in this one scanning machine.
The next 45 minutes could change my life forever. There's no way anyone could be prepared for that.

Knowing the truth is worse than knowing you have it...