One sick love story

Small steps

Chapter 10:

It's been almost two months now since I was diagnosed. I was released from the hospital that night, and I haven't had to go back since. Other than for my usual Chemo treatments.
Me and ben have been making progress with our relationship, and life isn't as bad as I expected it to be.
I'm finally at a point where I believe I can survive this. I have reasons to survive. And Ben is just one of them. I have hope, and a wide future ahead of me. I'm taking it small steps at a time, but I know eventually I will make it.

My surgery on my liver is tomorrow, I guess you could say I'm excited to get it over and done with. But also nervous because I've never had surgery before. What's most annoying though is the fact I have just started to get used to all the side affects from the treatment, and I don't feel generally as sick anymore. But I know that surgery will just bring me back to where I started.

I'm going round bens house today and he told me he's got a surprise. Its going to be like a nice thing I can do before I go back into the hospital tomorrow.
A last chance to experience something fun and interesting before I am continuously stuck with doctors and nurses and medical equipment 24/7.

A couple of days ago I went shopping with Chelsea and bought a couple of wigs. I don't mind having to wear a wig, because it's already styled for you, you don't have to spend ages in the mornings worrying about straightening or curling it. And also you can change your whole look whenever you want. I've always wanted to see what it would be like to be a brunet, and now I finally can.
But today I decide to wear my blonde one, so I look more like myself in front of ben.
My mum drops me at his house at 1 in the afternoon. "Make sure your back for tea darling, have fun. But not too much fun" she says really awkwardly and with a sort of winking look in her eye.
I just roll my eyes back at her in a jokey way and walk towards his flat.
He lives in a flat with a couple of his mates. Its kind of cool really, he has no rules, and no one telling him what time to go to bed. He can be back home whenever he wants, and eat as much food as he wants.
If I was left to live alone, I would certainly gain a few pounds. But ben.... Wow! His body is just so perfect. Tender abs, a strong bone structure defining his every feature. Teeth; pearly white, and his hair... it curls back at the top of his head so smoothly. The edges are cut short but at the top of his head is thick, soothing hair. That he continuously runs his fingers through to make sure it always looks perfect.

I make my way over to his door and before I even have time to knock, he opens it.
"Hey babe" He picks me up by the waist and elegantly twirls me around. Then with my feet dangling in the air, he brings me closer to his puffy lips, and we collide with force. We hold it there for a while as he works his magic. But are soon interrupted by, who I'm guessing is one of bens mates, someone at the door.
"Hey, so this is the lucky girl you've been telling me about" he says with a really deep tone. It almost makes bens voice sound feminine.  "Your looking fine" he says with a smirky face then winks at me. It makes me feel kind of awkward and i don't know what to say.
"Shut up joe, come on Darcy lets go somewhere more quiet."
"Quiet hey, so you two can do a bit of-"
"JOE!" Ben interrupts him. "Be cool, alright."
"Soz mate" he lightly taps bens shoulder as we walk pass him and inside the house.  "Hey you kids have fun. But not too much fun." he says the same as what my mum just said, but in a more creepy kind of way.

We proceed out towards the back of his flat and onto a small bit of privately owned land.
Outside there is a small couch, and a large gazebo surrounding the couch and a mini coffee table.
Ben sits in a chair, I snuggle up close to him and let myself sink into his body.
"Sorry about him" ben says whilst stroking my hair.
"That's okay, he's not the first boy I've met who acts like that. It's just what boys are like in general to be honest."

It's now only like 3 in the afternoon but it starts to get dark as I notice the clouds hovering over us. Instead of moving we just kind of sit there and wait for the rain to pour down. At one point ben slips out from under me and makes his way over to a plug socket. He switches it on then blue, crystal lights show up all around the garden. The fact the gardens so small, helps because it looks brighter than it would if he had a large garden. The fascinating lights bounce of the metal fence separating him and his neighbours. I suddenly recognise these lights, they're the same ones from our first date on the beach that I loved. It's so sweet that he remembered. I watch ben as he leans over and sorts out the plug sockets.
Then I get a sudden flash of lightening  in front of my eyes, not long after, thunder strikes and soon the clouds let down a harsh waterfall of rain. Ben quickly runs underneath the gazebo but we both still end up getting wet because the wind is blowing the rain towards us.
Me and Ben grab onto each other and laugh, once the rain stops we look at each others damp faces and breath heavily from laughing so much.
The pea sized rain droplets drip down his irresistible face, soon my hands are wiping off the water and I run my fingers through his hair.
"I love you Darcy"
"I love you to"
He then grabs my neck and pulls me In so our lips collide. He then picks me up and carries me up to his room and onto his bed. The whole time he doesn't let go for one second.
He lays me on my back and he begins to climb on top of him until suddenly I say "stop" my hand touches his bare chest and I look into his eyes. "Sorry... I guess I'm just not ready yet"
He then sighs deeply and lays down next to me not making eye contact.
After a lot of thinking he finally replies, "that's okay. We'll takes small steps. Now you look tired, how about you get some rest."
"No I can't, my mum says I have to home for dinner."
"Can't you ask her if you can stay the night? I'm sure she won't mind"
"I've got my surgery tomorrow ben. I need to be up very early in the morning. I can't stay"
"I can take you"
"No ben. My mum would never let me do that. This is a big deal you know, have a tumour removed. you do know I'm going to be sick for a very long time. "
"I know I know." he says kind of sarcastically. I look at him directly in the eyes with a hint of anger. "fiiiiiineeee. You go home, get some rest. I'll meet you at the hospital tomorrow morning yeah"
"You don't have to come you know!"
"I know I don't have to Darcy. Bit I don't know if you understand how big of a deal this is, getting a tumour removed. I'm not letting you go through it alone" he says it in a kind of cheeky way, as I know he's just mocking what I said.
"Alright I'll text my mum to come pick me up."
"No that's okay, you can ride on my motorbike."
I hesitate, but eventually agree as I know it will take a long time for my mum to get here. Ben lives in a very complicated street.

I collect my things and hop onto the back of bens motorbike. I grab hold of his waist tightly, and were off.

--

I didn't sleep very well last night. Too many things were going through my mind like... will it hurt afterwards? What happens if it doesn't work? How long will I have to be in hospital for afterwards?
However I try and brush these feelings to the side and think of the positives. Like knowing ben will be next to me the whole time, I know he won't let anything bad happen to me.

Also This surgery is just another small step to my recovery. I know I won't be cured but it's a step closer to that.

As I walk into the hospital I try and keep these positive thoughts in my mind. But just one look at the place and I can't think of anything other than negative, fatal thoughts.

When I get there I am directed to a part of the hospital which I've never been to before. It's still on the Cancer ward, but it's a place where people get prepared for surgery.
A lot of different doctors ask me lots of different questions, then I'm ready to lie on a bed and be ported to theatre.
I get changed into a plain blue hospital gown, in a private room. I take my time to just calm down and think before I come out, because I know I won't be getting anytime to myself afterwards. I have been told that most things will have to be done for me. So many things will be going on after surgery that I won't even have time to think my own thoughts. Yes I think that makes sense.

I take a deep breath and finally come out of the room. On the other side about 5 doctors are waiting for me. Most are wearing aprons and masks, it gives me a nauseous feeling in my stomach. There's nothing more daunting than knowing that these 5 people are responsible for a large step in my survival.
Speechless, I climb up onto the bed and on top of very thin sheets. Once I'm stable they lift up metal barriers around my bed then start wheeling me out the doors.
We pass many corridors, until we finally reach a door with a sign on it saying   'Operating Theatre'

My mum has been holding onto my hand the whole journey towards the operating theatre. But as I go through these doors I look behind me as her hands slowly start to slip away...