One sick love story

The transplant

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It's day 2 out of 5 of the transplant, and yesterday went quite well. Dr. Lee believes the transplant is working well, as my body seems to have accepted it greatly. Although they won't actually know if it's got completely rid of the leukaemia until after it's all finished. I haven't had any horrible side effects, I just still feel sick and tired and achy from all the other drugs they're giving me. I don't feel like myself, it's an odd feeling (physically and mentally) knowing you've got someone else's blood going into you right now. But I'm dealing with it, I wasn't expecting anything less.

Today Ben says he is going to come In And visit me. I don't know exactly what his plan is, because I don't think he's actually allowed in the room. But I think he's just hoping that some kind of a miracle is going to happen, and they're going to let him in to see me.
I tried to stop him, but I can't really doing anything from sitting in here. Im not In control of him, he has to make his own decisions, and he's decided that he can't bare to not see me for this long. So he's going to try!

It's around 1 in the afternoon now, and I've just got a text from Ben. It makes me feel quite sick to stare at a screen, so I get my mum to read it for me.
"It says, 'I've just arrived at the hospital and I'm on my way up to the ward, can't wait to see you. Love Ben'" my mum looks up at me with a worried look. "I don't think they're going to let him in" she says.
"Well we've got to let him try"
"Well... You know what, I'll go meet him on his way up here. I can talk to him about you and your condition because you're barely fit to have a friendly catch up right now"
"But-"
"Darcy, I know what I'm doing. You just rest, you need it okay"
I guess she is right. Today I'm feeling more weak than ever. Every time I try and lift myself up just to sit up, my body is just too fragile that I am forced to lie back down. I literally have nothing good left inside of me. The chemotherapy before destroyed it all. Once all the new bone marrow is in me, I will feel better because then I will have healthy cells in me and not Cancer ones. Hopefully. But at the moment... I'm still just a sick cancer patient, that all I want to do is sleep, and throw up. Any food that is put inside me I throw back up again. There's been talk about putting a feeding tube that leads straight into my stomach in me, but I have refused. I don't want to go through any more surgeries, or have anymore tubes in me. So I'm trying to eat, but it's not my choice wether it stays down or not, it's my bodies choice. I've got to choose by the end of the week if I'm going to have it or not, if I prove I can eat and not throw it all up again, then I'll be good. So I'm just hoping for things to be okay.
But Ben is still going to try and see me, I know he will. No matter what my mum says to him. My mum has now left my room, and a nurse is with me. I wait in anticipation as I begin to hear voices coming up the corridor.
Then I suddenly see both their faces emerge, bens looking extremely concerned. I turn to look at him, and I try and lip-read what he says to me "it's going to be okay, I'll be In, in a second" he carries on staring at my deteriorating body. I guess it's going to be worrying for him, as he stares at his girlfriend looking more sick than ever before.

I can see my mum having a conversation with the nurses, then suddenly, Dr. Lee emerges. She points towards me a lot, and just keeps shaking her head from side to side saying no. I guess she's probably saying stuff like 'look at her, she's not well enough, you can't go in!' But Ben isn't taking any of it.
Them to my surprise, Dr. Kartor appears out of no where and joins In the protest against Ben. Suddenly, Dr. Kartor enters the little room, next to my room, and picks up the phone. The phone in my room then starts to ring and I lean over to pick it up.
"Hello?" I say,
"Hi Darcy, it's Dr. Kartor here. As you can probably see, we're having a little debate out here. And I want to know what you think, do you want to see Ben?"
"Well..." I hesitate "I guess, but only if it's safe."
"Well we will have to make sure he's completely sanitised, and you will get a maximum of half an hour with him but-"
"I want to see him. He needs this, I don't want him stressing and worrying over me, it's not necessarily for me, but for him...it will make us all happier and put our minds to rest. So please?"
There's a long pause, as he stares back at Ben and nods "alright then , just give us a minute"
As he puts down the phone I let out a huge sigh of relief. If he gets to see me, it will stop him being concerned about me and make me feel more comfortable with the situation. And it Only has to be once, if it's only for a short amount of time I'm sure I won't get an infection or anything. That's just the risk of him coming in, getting an infection. Getting contaminated by something outside my room, as I have no immune system , which I have already explained.

I watch ben as he attempts to get though the whole cleaning and disinfecting process as quick as possible. But before he's allowed to enter, Dr. Lee comes in to speak to me.
"Hi darcy, sorry about all this. But you sure you're alright with this?"
"Of course, just let him in, it will solve more problems that it causes. Trust me."
"Alright then, but before he's allowed in Id like you to put this on" she holds out a light blue mask Infront of me.
"Do I have to?"
"Yes Darcy, I'm afraid, because your white blood count is so low, you need to wear this for your own protection. Just put it on, do you want to see ben?"
I unwillingly take the mask out of her hands and then tie it around my nose and mouth. I feel even more attractive than I did before! Not.

Ben slowly walks in, with my mum, and doesn't take his eyes off of me for a second.
"Oh Darcy" he comes straight towards me and leans down to hug me.
"Er ben! No phsyical contact please" Dr. Lee orders from the other side of the room.
He quickly lets go, looking gloomy.
"I've missed you ben, I'm glad you came to visit"
"Oh Darcy I've missed you so much too, this past week has been torture."
I stare at him deeply in the eyes at his agitating comment. As if I haven't felt enough torture this week. "Oh no Darcy, I didn't mean that. I know things have obviously been much worse for you. But I can't stand the thought of not being with you through all of this. I feel like we're breaking the promise"
"Ben don't think like that, there's nothing we can do about that. You don't need to feel bad, I know if you could be with me, you would. I trust you..."
He leans in, looking like he's about to give me another hug and kiss. But then quickly backs off, remembering it's not safe for him to touch me.

We have a nice, but short conversation. He only came in for half an hour, that's all he was allowed. It wasn't enough time, and we couldn't really have a proper heart-felt chat because there were 2 doctors, a nurse, and my mum staring at us the whole time.
It felt quite uncomfortable and awkward.
I was just so desperate to feel his warmth on my body, I miss his touch, his sensitive voice. And the feeling I get when we're together. Today just wasn't the same, and I now don't think they're going to let me see him until I get out of hospital.

And I know that won't be for a very long time...