One sick love story

Back to square one

"So, you sure you're alright?" He asks.
"Well no, but why would I be? You heard him, I'm now on a really strong dose of chemo, and that means the side effects are going to be even worse. I'm going to lose my hair again ben, I was finally at a point where I was happy with how i looked, but now I'm back to square one again. I'm not going to see myself with a full head of hair for atleast another year. "
"Darcy you can't afford to think like this. Yes you're going to lose your hair, but there are so many other important things to be worrying about. Come on, you know that...you're the one who has been telling yourself and giving all these inspirational speeches about not caring about the little things in life... It's just not worth it. And you of all people, know that's true."
I hesitate to reply, because I know he's right. "Okay fine, you are right. What would I do without you?"
"It would be a terrible life without me" he jokes and we both laugh.
"Of course it would, you keep me sane throughout all this madness."
"I'm here for you... I am prepared for this journey no matter how long it takes, and what we have to deal with a long the way. But what you need to ask yourself is, are you?"
I need to think long and hard, but I finally come up with a reply "I guess I have to be, even though it's impossible to prepare for a journey when you don't know where the destination is. I will give it my best"

--

The results are back.
I don't know how to prepare myself for this. But I guess I already know they're going to be bad. But how bad? Is what I need to find out.
"So, darcy, Sarah, ben... " ben has become so involved  with my Cancer journey that the doctors now refer to him as part of our family, ans they let him know everything. "I have her results here. Now I know it's not going to be what you want to hear, but we already know that it's not going to be good news. "
Just get on with it is what I'm thinking in my head.
"So... Darcy, we know that leukaemia is a Cancer of the blood. But sometimes it can spread to the lymphnodes. Cancer of the lymphnodes is called lymphoma, but that's not what you have. You have a secondary Cancer in the lymphnodes that has spread from the Cancer in your blood. It's still treatable, it will just make the process a little harder. Also, I'm afriad that it has also spread back into your lungs. But it isn't too advanced yet, it looks like ,from the scans, that it's only recently spread there. But we managed to easily get rid of it last time, so I'm sure the chemotherapy will have no problem in clearing that up. So basically... It's still treatable, that is unless it spreads to the brain. That would be like the breaking point for us. Once it's spread to the brain, I'm afriad it will be incurable. But that hasn't happened yet! So let's just get on with the treatment and hope that it never does."
Well it certainly isn't good news. But I wasn't expecting anything less.
The only thing that terrified me is the way he said let's "hope". As in there's nothing left to do other than hope that it is still cureable. That's petrifying. Knowing my life depends on hope.

--

It's now the evening, and my mum has fallen asleep on the guest bed next to mine. Because I'm an inpatient and am likely to be staying here for a long time, there's an extra bed on the other side of the room where a parent or family member can stay.
But Ben's still here, and he's certainly not asleep.
"Hey cupcake, you tired?" He whispers trying not to wake my mum up.
"Sort of, but I don't want to go to sleep yet" I reply back.
"Okay, well we should do something then" he excitedly climbs into bed next to me and gets underneath the covers.
"You feel like talking?" He asks.
"I guess, but talking about this will just make me upset. I want it to be more enjoyable this time. if I start being all grumpy again, please snap me out of it."
"Alright then, that sounds like a good plan." He turns on his side to face me then sweetly kisses my lips. "So have you thought about how you're going to tell all your friends."
"Oh sh- I forgot about that."
"That's fair enough, you've had a lot on your mind."
"Well I don't know how I'm going to tell them, I actually have more than one friend this time. Gosh, isn't being popular annoying" I say with a hint of sarcasm which makes us both laugh but still doesn't wake up the snoring mother.
"Well...I've got an idea" ben says.
"Well go on then, what is it?"
"What do people do when they want a lot of people to find out information about their lives... And fast."
"Er... I dunno..." I think long and hard.
"Social media!"
"Oh yeah"
"You want anything to be spread around quickly, social media will do it. Post a pic and a status on snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, you'll be a hit within seconds."
"Well I don't know really, I'm usually against all this stuff. It just seems desperate, like I just want attention and sympathy from everyone."
"Darcy, if people know you well enough, then they will know that that is not like you. Plus... Won't it be easier than actually having to confront loads of people face to face. And repeating the same thing over and over and over again. Here you just get to do in one go, and you don't actually have to interact with anyone at the same time. It's perfect!"
"Okay fine. But what should I post?"
"How about a picture. You want people to stop scrolling through and actually pay attention to your post, then post a pic. No one reads just boring statuses anymore do they?"
"But I don't have any interesting pics to post."
"Let's take one now. Of both of us."
"I don't know"
"Come on, we're lying in a hospital bed, with tubes and machines surrounding you, that's certainly one way to get a lot of sympathy and attention."
"Alright then, let's do it"
I turn on my phone and put it on selfie mode. I never really take selfies, especially not when I'm in hospital looking in my worst state. But oh well, it needs to be done.