Someone To Stay

42

I waited for JJ to get home. I was sipping some wine on our couch when I heard the door open. "Hey beautiful." She said.

"How was your day?" I asked her.

"Really boring. Nothing happened...which is good but that just meant I stayed at the office for 8 hours doing nothing." I nodded and she sat down next to me, kissing my cheek.

"How was your day?" I felt her looking at me and I just looked down my hands. "Cam?"

"It was good." I gave her an assuring smile but I could tell she didn't buy it. I saw her look down at my hands and I pulled my sleeves down, avoiding eye contact.

"Come on."

"It was good." I said again. My hair up was in a messy bun and I was wearing one of her oversized jackets with a bra on under it. It was unzipped and I had on my own sweats. "I can feel you looking at me."

"Tell me."

"Tell you what?" I started biting my nails and she grabbed my hands gently.

"You've been off the past week. I need you to be honest with me and tell me what's going on." I took a deep breath and looked down at my lap. "I've given you space and time, when you've asked for things that you needed for comfort I've given you them without asking what was wrong...I just...I need to know baby." She put her hand in mine, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I looked up and took a deep breath. "You can tell me anything." I nodded and took my hand away, wiping a tear off of my face.

"I know."

"It's getting bad again isn't it?" I nodded and pulled down my sleeves again, not wanting her to see. "Well...I'm here for you."

"I know."

"Well then...talk to me. I've told you so many times that I'm here for you and you continuously shut me out."

"It's not because of you...I just...I'm scared to say what I feel out loud. Because it makes it real, which is really scary to me. Because the way that I feel isn't normal." She nodded and pulled me in for a hug. I gripped her shirt and a tear fell down onto her neck. I pulled away after a few seconds and she gave me a worried look.

"I'm always here for you. You know that baby, come on...talk to me." She tucked my hair behind my ears and searched my eyes, trying to get eye contact.

"I just don't have any motivation." I breathed out. "I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing seems worth it."

"What do you mean?"

"Life just doesn't feel worth living." I whispered. She shook her head.

"Don't say that." But I continued.

"I feel like I'm a waste of life like someone could be taking my place right now and it would be worth so much more." She shook her head. "I dont get why I'm alive...I just...I don't get it. Sometimes I wish that the unsub had killed me."

"Never say that. Baby look at me." She cupped my face gently and made me look at her. "Why would you ever think that?" I blinked away my tears and tried to look away but she made me look at her. I just shrugged and she wiped away the tear that fell with her thumb. "Never wish that upon yourself. I couldn't live without you." I nodded and she kissed my forehead. "You are worth so much, don't you ever think otherwise."

"I really don't feel safe and when I don't feel safe I break down...I'm sorry." She shook her head again.

"Don't apologize." I sniffed and she kissed my forehead again. "Do you want a hug." I nodded and she pulled me in for a long and tight hug. "You're gonna be ok. I won't leave you." I nodded into her shoulder and kissed her neck. I started to sob and she kissed the top of my head. "It's ok, it's ok, I promise. I'm right here baby." She let me relax into her and lied down on the couch so I could lay on top of her. "Baby you really need some sleep." I nodded in agreement and closed my eyes, drifting off into a comfortable sleep.