Union

71.

Roel
Maria lays under me a vision from my dream that's really a nightmare. I know my wife's body, her every expression and how she reacts to pleasure. This isn't pleasure and she's not even wet. Moving back to give her and me space, the deep blues disappear and she turns her head away from me.
Pressing my lips to her cheek and shoulder I wait for her to come back to me holding myself off her body on my hand and tracing her profile with my finger. When my angel stays locked away my voice comes out too loud but it works. "Don't hide from me." Looking back up, Maria fills with uncertainty and asking. "Why did you stop?" Because group sex is fun but not when it's your demons participating. Because fucking you isn't the only thing I find important. Because your pleasure means more than my own. Because my dick refuses to be another point of pain for you. None of those reasons come out, and anger fills her.
Pushing at my chest, Maria tries to start this again. "Just fuck me. Get it over with." My own flares at her thinking this is some fucking task to tick off for the day. "No. I know your body and you don't want this right now. I won't fucking force myself inside of you, I'll fuck you when your pussy is so wet it's leaking down your thighs and you're gone from needing me not afraid and fucking hiding from me." The harshness in my voice snaps her to reality and makes her relax.
Holding on to my shoulders, her forehead rests against my chest for comfort instead of a place to bury the truth. "I want you but my body won't work." Covering myself, I pull my shorts back up and rearrange Maria so she's sat across my thighs. There's no lie to my words even if my promise isn't true. "It will, angel. Just not right now." Shaking her head filling with sadness and disagreement she doesn't voice, Maria holds on to me.
She's silent for so long lost in thought that her whisper sounds loud in the undisturbed space. "Do you want kids?" I don't have to think about my answer, it's only gotten more arguments to confirm it's the right decision the longer I've been married to Maria. "Never." Anything that threatens to take her away from will be removed from our path. I'll do the one thing I refused to and let some prick attack my balls with a scalpel to make sure of it.
Looking back up at me my angel looks heart broken at my answer. Keeping my tone gentle, I try to dispel any fucking idea she has that it's because something is wrong with her. "You won't leave me, and I won't become my father hating the little bastard who took you." Straddling my thighs she holds my shoulders forgetting there's nothing covering her naked body and being comfortable in her skin. There's a hardness in her eyes showing the argument about to come won't have a winner. "If we had a child, would you hurt it? Could you hurt an innocent baby?" My angel is too caught up on the notion it would be innocent, it's first act would be tainted like me and I'd hate the fucker for taking her away from me. Holding my face in both hands Maria answers her own question. "You would never do what he did. The man I love wouldn't hurt our child because if he did it means he never loved me."
Causing pain isn't only physical, being raised knowing that deep hatred is all the person who's blood you share is directing at you turns you cold inside. "If anything takes you away from me, I will hate it. I will crush it under my anger even if it's not physical, the possibility of you not being here isn't worth it angel." Maria softens around me but she's hiding something, her eyes twitching as she bites her lip to stop the truth coming out.
Sliding off me she pulls my t shirt over her head and holds her hand out speaking softly like she's about to drop a bomb that will shatter everything. "Will you come with me?" I'll follow her wherever she she goes, and take her hand. An ominous feeling stirring in my gut as she leads me through the penthouse to a guest room no one uses. Sitting me on the bed, her steps are hesitant going into a drawer and retrieving a folder. They get even more hesitant when she moves closer and stands in front of me gripping the paper between her fist like she's scared of what's going to be released.
Maria's voice is quiet, too quiet and filled with remorse. "Eloise found some things and asked me to give you them. I forgot until this conversation, I'm sorry." The sound of my sisters name has mixed emotions coming out, after Alira's remains were found in a mysterious accident my angel couldn't stop herself from reaching out to the sibling I have left. Her strength coming out because she doesn't resent her for our bloodline have done.
Taking the folder from her I don't open it, Maria's forgetfulness isn't a problem. It's been a loop of things happening but her mind is too busy fighting every day to take in what she would usually do easily. Stepping between my thighs, she strokes my hair like I need comforting while I stare at the bland folder. Pressing her lips to my crown her words brush my scalp planting themselves in my brain. "Open it and see that it's not your fault caro mio. It's never been your fault."
Intrigue gets the better of me and I open the folder releasing a past I never knew. Neat swirly cursive is the first thing I see on an envelope addressed to Switzerland. It's stamped and the seal is broken taking no care for its contents, I don't recognise the writing but the address is the same house I inherited, the house my mother grew up in. Maria holds me tighter knowing what's inside and the action alone is enough to stop me reading it or going any further.
Staying in a world where everything is what I know, the folder stays in a past I'm not part of beside me as I hold Maria's hips and she doesn't turn rigid under my hands. Avoiding my own shit, I go back to ours. "You want kids?" It's a question I already know the answer to giving her reaction and Maria smiles warmly letting me see the most hidden part of her. "I always wanted at least two, hopefully three. I looked at donors and what I would need to do because I thought I couldn't trust a man."
The thought of some prick sharing part of my angel has anger simmering under my skin. Every part of her is mine and no one will have any fucking claim on Maria but me. It's not fully heating my blood with her admission that I'm the only fucker lucky enough to have her.
My eyes automatically go to her stomach that is way too flat with all the weight she hasn't gained back yet. Holding my hands over it I imagine our child growing there, seeing her round and swollen has my dick coming to life. But the thought of an actual baby scares the shit out of me.
Looking up at her the softness in her eyes is trying it's hardest to convince me. "We can find another way right? One that keeps you safe and gives you what you want." My argument is weak as fuck compared to the look on my angels face. Sadness comes back as she kisses my cheek and deflates with her whisper. "It doesn't matter anyway, my body doesn't work properly so you'll never have to worry about it."
She's so fucking wrong she doesn't even realise it, Maria's body isn't the reason we aren't fucking right now. It's her mind being dragged into that stone basement reliving the hands that should have never been on her skin. Holding her chin between my thumb and finger I bring her closer to me and try to keep the anger out of my voice. "There is nothing wrong with you. You want a baby? I'll give you one when you're healthy again." Her smile is slow but triumph fills her deep blue eyes at winning. She can talk shit about not being competitive and our bets being childish but she loves the feeling of winning just as much as I do.
Changing the topic I bring up the one that always fills her with excitement every year and hug her thighs. "What do you want for your birthday engjëlli?" It's only a few days away, nearly a year of this woman being my wife and that event is already organised. Every year Maria has chosen a theme for whatever lavish party she demands everyone's attendance at, this year has been filled with pain so she deserves more. Cupping my face she looks surprised at her own answer. "Nothing, only you."

Maria's lashes don't flutter as she sleeps like a little cherub with her hand under her cheek making her lips stick out in a pout. The softness in her features keeps me physically tethered to the bed as my mind itches to go back to the folder. No good can come from opening an envelope that's aged as fuck and reading what isn't addressed to me but human nature is wanting to touch the fire and feel the burn for yourself.
Keeping my steps silent so I don't disturb her, I don't close the door in case she needs me. The nightmares aren't as frequent but I'll never leave her alone in case they come back and the stupid fucking folder looks smug like it already knows the enormity of it's contents. Maria has never tried to push me to do shit, the fact that she did tonight has my spine tingling uncomfortably.
Even in sleep my angel is entwined with my being and moves closer to me as I sit back against the headboard. Her arm over my thighs and nose against my hip like she already knows what I'm doing despite her unconscious state. Peeling out the envelope, the return address isn't one I recognise and the three pages inside feel weighted emotionally as I unfold them.

Dear Muetti and Aetti,
I'm sorry for choosing this horrible man over you. He's not a man or even human, the devil would refuse to claim ownership of his actions. Your grandson will be born in a month and I've picked out a name which he will never be called, Aurel Albrecht Çami. He's active all the time and the only bit of strength I have.
I made a mistake and I don't know if it's one that you can forgive but I'm begging you to save my son. This man I naively thought I loved is not fit to be a father, his love is obsession and dangerous testing my physical abilities of painful endurance. The punishments haven't stopped despite my sons presence and the bleeding is seen as weakness, I don't think I'll survive with him long enough to get my son to safety.
Please disown me but never remove your presence from his life, Alistair won't allow me to leave but he does not care for our child. He doesn't care for anything and I'm only a possession to shine and bring out on occasions when he wants his mistress to know her place.
I will be at this address for the next six months but the bleeding has gotten worse and I'm not permitted to go to the hospital after the last nurse tried to involve the police when she saw the bruising. You were both loving parents, take my son and let him grow up the same way I did.

Maria's arm tightens around me and she lays her head on my thigh pulling me out of the fucked up life I was conceived in. "It wasn't your fault, Roel. That bastard hurt her and blamed you." Murder and torture make a playground of my thoughts. The sick fuck hurt his pregnant wife to the point she tried to reach out to save my life before I had one.
All the little pieces of my grandparents rare conversations filter through, the moments Alistair would prop me up to beg them to give him money for another project he couldn't finance and wanted to pimp me out for. Grandparents who were mourning the loss of their daughter but never once blamed me for it and I go through the other papers seeing the court dates and files with my name. They spent years trying to get me away from the prick without ever knowing the true depth of their daughters suffering.