Union

47.

Maria
Roel is clingy since our emotional night, his hands never leave my body when we're next to each other and I don't think I've ever received as many messages in my life as I have today.
Meeting the newest nephew of my heart, little Sebastian has a pout and is calm for a baby belonging to two of the least calm people I know. Francesca cuddles with Lilly and she doesn't look exhausted considering she has two children to care for. It's a peaceful chaos written all over her face.
When the my phone starts it's newest rhythm from Roel's neediness, her eyes light up with questions but I silence the device and her. "He looks so much like Niko already." It works and she huffs rolling her eyes but love comes back when she looks at her son. "I know, can you believe how rude that is? I'm the one who carried him." There's no heat to her argument and Lilly looks at her brother studying his features. "Will he be boring forever?" The innocent question has a laugh getting trapped in my throat.
She was so excited about finally meeting her baby brother and being a big sister but the reality of a newborn didn't live up to her expectations. Francesca searches for an answer trying to hide her own humour but it's cut off by the clingy duo entering the den.
Roel doesn't even acknowledge anyone else coming to my side and carefully sitting as close as he can. Lilly moves closer to him, she's got him wrapped around her little finger and he gives in to whatever she wants as long as she says he's her favourite uncle.
The smile on her face is a carbon copy of her mothers when Francesca wants something. "Uncle Ro, bunny needs a little brother." Learning from his previous mistake he looks to the parents, Francesca's face is full of threat and Niko shrugs probably hoping he does it so he can enjoy the chaos.
Picking Lilly up, he searches for the right answer from the parents but doesn't get one. "I'm sure your dad will get you one." The words leave him slowly and Francesca's threat turns onto a new target as Lilly starts pleading. Pushing her cheek into Roel's she looks at her dad with big eyes and promises on his behalf. "We'll look after it please."
The newest member of their family comes to his parents rescue with a cry and everyone eases with the save. Francesca takes Sebastian for his feed and Niko stares after the spot waiting for them to come back. Seeing the same thing as me Roel makes a whip cracking noise making the laugh fall out of me.
Niko's voice is playful throwing him under the bus. "Maria how many times did he message you today?" I shrug I haven't even looked at the notifications but he acts like it's an answer and taps his chin. "Right, how many did you respond to?" I don't like him taking the piss out of Roel and my indifference leaves. "Not enough." An arm hooks over my shoulders pulling me closer to a familiar warm body and Lilly giggles at Niko's wide eyes.
Giving up knowing he won't win the with me on Roel's side Niko drops the conversation and moves on to a topic that has nerves coursing through me. "Ready for Vlad's?" They're talking so easily about fighting, it's not the same as the ones I've seen. From the murmurs Vlad is a sadistic bastard who enjoys the bloodshed and gives the opponents weapons. Roel doesn't have the same feelings as me and he sounds excited. "I'll drop him by the third." There bet is too lighthearted, it's not as though they're talking about bodily harm but an every day conversation.
The old scars on his body are enough to stomach, the thought of new ones being added makes a pit open up. I don't ask Roel about work, ignorance is bliss even when it's chosen. It's easy to convince myself he isn't going to get hurt when he leaves on a night because in my head he's only going to see Niko or Dion. Not doing dangerous shit that means he might not come home to me. The lies I tell myself won't work now, he's not training to stay in shape it's honing his craft. The knives he carries aren't out of interest but necessity.

Every worry and heartbreaking scenario sits under my skin while I spy on Roel in the gym. I've seen how men fight but I don't know his opponent to know if he's going to win. The heavy bag moves from the force of his blow but it's not enough to calm me. There's no arms or legs kicking out at him right now, no crazed asshole with a weapon.
He doesn't turn talking to the room and pulling me out of my creeping. "You don't need to hide your pervert ways wife." I wish that's what was making me sneak around, it would be easier to stomach than mapping the scars on his body and praying there won't be anymore added to it tonight.
When I don't react to his joke Roel turns. The fear on my face is too much to hide and his face falls as he eats up the distance between us. His voice is gentle coaxing me into the gym like I'm an injured animal. "Come here angel."
Stepping into his arms relaxes me but not enough, this could be the last time. "Don't go." My whisper has him softening and a deep sigh works through his body before he tightens his arms around me. Kissing my shoulder he speaks with conviction. "There are three things I know how to do." Pulling out of his chest but staying caged in, my brows come together. I've heard him say the same thing through the years but it's always been a list of two. Roel strokes his knuckles across my cheek as he counts of the items. "Fighting, fucking and being your husband. The last one is the most important."
Sadness mixes into my worry, he's so much more than three things. kissing his cheek I don't add anything formulating a plot to keep him with me. "Ok." Roel relaxes taking it as acceptance and I leave to find whatever I can use.
My mother always said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, hoping she's right I search for sleeping pills. I've used them before but they made me feel strange and my dreams were too realistic so I stopped. It's against every moral code to drug someone but I won't hurt Roel, I'm doing it to help him.
Going through the ingredients I try to figure out the best thing to hide the crushed pills in. There's nothing to disguise the powder with Roel not liking soup. Settling on dosing his water instead, I pull out the vegetables and keep alert in case he comes down and catches me. The powder sinks to the bottom of the tumbler and I stir blindly trying to make it dissolve while watching the bottom of the stairs.
Guilt tears it's head, I should just ask him to stay. Or hide his phone and turn off everything so he doesn't know the time. But this is the only idea that will work, setting the glass aside when his steps ring out I try to act normal and chop randomly. The carrot under the knife looks massacred but I keep going as if it was intentional.
Arms wrap around my middle, one hand flat against my stomach and the other taking the knife as Roel kisses behind my ear. "You don't ever cook for me." His tone is harsh, reprimanding. I've tried to and each time he pulls this shit. My guilt and anger mix together confessing my sin. "Do you think I'm going to poison you?"
I want to take the words back but double down straightening my shoulders hoping he doesn't realise that's exactly my plan. Softening around me, he rest his chin on my shoulder and expertly cuts the vegetable like he's a trained chef. There's a memory behind the words but he doesn't tell me it. "You aren't my slave, or worker. I will never make you live in servitude of me."
I'm going to hell for what I'm doing but it doesn't stop me taking the glass and turning in Roel's arms. My eyes want to stare at the liquid but I stay fixed on him and keep my voice gentle. "Ok, can I give you water at least? You were working out and need to stay hydrated." Definitely going to hell because he looks at me with love and kisses my cheek.
His fingers brush my shaky ones and I turn back around, if I watch him drink that's weird. There's no sound of him sipping and the energy shifts behind me. Looking over my shoulder Roel stares into the still full glass that's paused on the journey to his lips. When his head moves I'm gone, my legs pumping as I run to our room. If he won't drink the thing I'll lock myself away and refuse to come out until he agrees to stay with me.
His stupidly long legs catch up to me easily and I'm barely in our room when his fingers brush my arm. Whipping away from him I change direction and head straight into the adjoining bathroom. He's still behind me when I'm pushing all my weight against the door and a hand curls around the edge. "Come out angel." There's no exertion in his voice and I push harder. Roel wouldn't leave if I've locked myself in, he'd have to stay here.
Biting his finger he lets go of the door so I can slam it shut and lock it. "Get the fuck out. Now." The thuds don't make me jump, neither does the anger in his voice. A heavier thud jolts the wood and Roel softens his voice despite the violent attacks. "I'm not going to hurt you, engjëlli." Choosing not to respond so his focus stays on me not the fight he was preparing for I settle back watching the time.
It's only been ten minutes of him trying to coax me out when it all goes quiet. It's not time for him to leave yet. Fuck I misjudged him. Taking hesitant steps towards the door I press my ear to the wood but there's no sound. He's not walking around getting dressed, there's nothing to indicate he's even there.
My fingers shake on their way to unlock the door and a crash sounds behind me. The scream leaving me has my throat going raw and I cover my head as glass tinkles against the tile. My throat burns when arms wrap around me. Screaming for Roel a soft whisper touches my neck. "I'm here angel."
Looking up jade eyes are over my shoulder and a breeze comes in from the window pane he shattered. The psychotic bastard walked the outside of a building, on the 45th floor like a lunatic. My questions are stuttered and merge into an incoherent sentence. "You- how di- why d-" He doesn't answer filling with anger and using too much force to flip the lock Roel frogmarches me out of the bathroom. My neck is twisted looking at the empty space glass used to be and down to the little drops of blood. Following the trail of bloody footprints my body deflates. In my attempt for him to not get hurt I fucked up and became the cause.
"I'm sorry." The small voice leaving me is barely audible but he stiffens spitting back. "For which fucking part?" Any argument I had dies a quick death, he'll be pissed no matter what I say and I hate that I hurt him.