Union

58.

Maria
The sun comes up bathing the room in light and bringing Roel into full view. His skin is warm even though there's an inch of space between our bodies I can feel it trying to reach me. There are crescent shaped bloody marks on his cheek, long scratches down his arms and raised scabbed skin over his neck. Holding my hand up, I fit my fingers over the marks like a jigsaw but don't touch him. I don't remember hurting him and there's newer marks along his bicep, they look fresh still raw and the blood hasn't dried.
The deep raspy morning voice I love has my body freezing at getting caught. "You don't need permission to touch me, Angel. I gave you that when I gave you my ring and my name." His eyes are still closed so he can't see my naked finger. Pulling my hand back so he doesn't see that the ring was lost with my dignity, I hide it under my cheek in time because Roel blinks and jade eyes lock on to mine.
There's love staring back at me but it's mixed with pain making it hard to look at. Focusing on the marks I've left on him without consciousness my voice is small making my apology weak. "I'm sorry for hurting you." Roel cups my cheek but he doesn't say anything as he strokes the cuts lightly tracing each line. I'm blinking too fast making myself dizzy as panic takes hold.

What is he seeing?
Can he feel the other hands on me?
Smell them on my skin?
Does he know how disgusting I am?
What liquids have touched my skin and hair that shouldn't have?

The silence builds but he keeps the pattern of tracing over the cuts like his touch will erase them. Closing my eyes I sink into the place I created, where none of this is real and I'm waiting for Roel to come home. The fake world where it's just me and him with no pain for either of us.
His thumb leaves my cheek making the cold settle back in and my face is tilted up. Lips press against my closed lids softly making me open them and the small on Roel's face is too small. It's not a smile but the natural way his lips are set. Kissing my forehead he presses the words into my skin. "You didn't hurt me Angel."
Buzzing fills the room before he can add another lie and Roel doesn't look away from me as he answers his phone blindly. Whoever he's speaking tells him something that has his jaw clenching and hand curling into a fist at my back. Anger colours his words as he agrees to whatever's being said. "I'll be there."
It leaves as soon as he looks at me again. A soft edge around a hard man. The brutality I imagined Roel capable of is nothing to compared to what I witnessed. The stark contract between his violence and pain are on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum.
Hurt comes back as he speaks slowly, his tongue protesting against the syllables they form. "Do you want one of the girls to go with you to Dr Hoxha?" I've spent my entire life hiding the truth about my family only for something worse to become public fucking knowledge. Everyone knowing that I was too weak to help myself and how my own body refused to help me. Seeing pity in their eyes will snap the tiny thread holding me together. Shaking my head no, Roel gives me a tight lipped smile and goes back to staring at me.
The skin that doesn't feel like mine itches uncomfortably with his inspection. Getting away from it my excuse rushes out as I lock myself in the bathroom. "I'll get ready." There's no response and the sheets don't rustle as I press my ear to the door. Turning the shower on the hottest setting, I keep my eyes down avoiding the mirror. Red angry lines mark my entire body, the lines turning into larger patches of abrasions the closer up my thighs they get. Closing my eyes I avoid between my legs and watch the lines come back over my stomach and chest leading to my arms.
Stepping under the spray my body stings and my skin cries out to be given a reprieve, now it moves when I fucking begged my limbs to help me. My hands are rougher pushing my revenge into my flesh and the water dripping down tinges pink. Getting rougher the accusations are shouted mentally as I work around each part of my body that conspired against me.
My knees go weak under the anger weighing me down but I can't stop my fall. A loud crack hitting the tile as my hand slips against the condensation on the wall that doesn't let me get purchase. My eyes burn but no tears fall, I'm sick of fucking crying. I want to be me, to not fucking have this thing inside of me telling me it's all over. I'm never going to be me again, the invasion of my body changed the coding of who I am and now I'm stuck in this useless fucking skin with bones made of pain.
An arm moves around my waist pulling me backwards and I react even though I know it's safe. Lashing out at the one person who I know won't hurt me Roel doesn't stop me as he holds me against his chest. He takes the pain I'm pushing into him and rocks me like I'm not fucking hurting him.
Holding on to his arms to ground myself, I match my breathing to his until our chests move as one. "I've got you angel." The whisper is repeated as he presses his lips into my shoulder. Roel keeps rocking me until I feel the anger go, numbness settling in on its rotation of the fucked up carousel of emotions going round my body.
Resting his cheek on my temple he turns rigid at my back and his usual rough voice bites out an order. "You do not fucking hurt yourself." The normalcy of Roel speaking in that tone makes me smile. He's not gentle by nature making the soft slow one crack my chest open.
Taking my silence as acceptance he softens again and kisses my shoulder. Because I'm by his side where I belong. Turning my head I return the gesture but there's hardly any pressure behind my lips and I make sure there's no gap for the dirt to get out. It works and I can file his lips curve up against my skin as Roel pulls us both up and guides me under the spray.
Moving further he winces at the temperature and turns the dial to the setting I used before. It's too cold against my icy skin and doesn't warm me after the scorching rain that stung. Roel doesn't turn me around, choosing to reach across me he takes the shampoo and lathers it in his hands before massaging it into my scalp.
Staying silent he keeps moving around my scalp and combing through my strands until all the suds are gone. Kissing my shoulder as he leans over me again for the conditioner wet fabric sticks to my back. Everything inside of me gets smaller trying to hide away from the fact I'm incapable, so fucking inept that Roel rushed in here fully dressed. Closing my eyes slowly I try to find anything to say but there's nothing significant enough.
"I'm sorry." Breathing my apology out his hands pause in my hair and he holds it up off my back to move closer to me. His lips brush my ear and emotion has his tone coming out hard. "Never apologise for me having the privilege of taking care of you. You're mine angel." Bitterness coats my tongue because he's wrong. I'm not his anymore, I'm not me so I can't be. Shaking my head my chin drops to my chest and I focus on the pink water swirling around my feet. "I don't know who I am." The thought leaves me without permission and I'm spun around to face an angry Roel.
He doesn't look anywhere but my eyes and gentle hands cup my face thumbing the water away. "You are Maria Çami, my wife. Engjëlli'm. The better part of me and the only fucking thing worth anything on this planet." There's nothing but conviction in his voice and eyes but he's describing someone I don't know. Moving closer until our noses brush Roel speaks against my lips but they don't touch. "You are everything good I have ever witnessed, a heart so fucking big you have to hide it from the world because no one deserves it. You're the woman who helped a pregnant teenager and paid for everything her baby needed, who stayed by her side when she had no one." Kissing my cheek he comes back and continues. "You, Maria Çami, are my only family. Even if they were in the thousands you would be the only one of importance." Kissing my other cheek Roel rests his forehead on mine covering me from the spray and stares so deep into my eyes my soul aches.
The urge to press my lips into his has my hands balling into fists. He can't taste the contamination inside of me, hurt is better than revulsion. The pain he's wearing is on my behalf but the disgust will be directed at me, I can't handle the amounts I direct at myself. Seeing it in his jade irises is something I can't let happen.
Burying everything deeper inside of me he deflates seeing me shut off and guides us out from under the spray. Wrapping me in a fluffy towel Roel doesn't pick me up and squeezes the water out of my hair. I wait for his arms to wrap around me, nothing comes as the heat moves further away and the water stops beating against the floor.
Keeping my eyes ahead I wait, no arms come around me, there's no warmth at my back only the sound of wet thumps, rustling and then a click. When his steps move further away my lip wobbles and I bite my cheek stopping any sound escaping.
Why would he want me? I don't even want to be in this horrible fucking body. It's rotten, defiled and dirty carrying things that don't belong to me but pressed so deep under my fucking skin it will never fucking leave. A warm hand pulls me out of my self evaluation, my lip stops moving and I relax. He didn't leave me, yet.
Roel has a towel around his waist but the wet waistband sticking to his hips shows he's not fully naked. That isn't what gets my attention or makes me freeze, the two lacerations on his torso have my sole focus. One under his collarbone that's pink but healing and an angry red one at his side, the thread is still visible in neat rows holding him together.
Stopping my hand before I touch him he moves closer half a step, closing the distance between us. Roel holds my palm delicately and traces the edge of his unmarked skin with my finger. "I would have got you sooner Angel, I promise." I hear the words but they don't make sense and no other explanation is given as my hand moves further up and soft lips press into my knuckles.